Cold Friday Nights

if i’m not causing you some gender or sexuality confusion, as we stand here tonight in this family life center and i hand you the ticket that you didn’t know you needed, remember my phone number when the effect hits you later on tonight.

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Points: 22098
Reviews: 455

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Sun Aug 15, 2021 6:00 pm

Hijinks wrote a review...

Hi there Jack! I noticed your poem has been hanging out in the Green Room for over a month, so I thought I'd drop by with a review for you.

I can really relate to this poem on the end of the person receiving the confusion -- after having a long conversation with someone about conflicting identity stuff, she said something along the lines of "I'm going to email you something, don't freak out when you read it, and if you do freak out, you know my number, you can text me." When I got home and checked my email, I saw she sent me the "Am I a lesbian master doc" and needless to say I did freak out, big time. And similarly to the way the poem talks about "not knowing you needed the ticket", I didn't know I needed to read that document -- but yeah, I did.

What strikes me about the speaker of this poem is that they seem to be conveying two tones: one of mischief, like, "I'm gonna rock this human's world by showing them that heternormativity is NOT the answer and I take pride in the gay chaos I am causing", but also one of love, care, and concern for the person being addressed. Especially the way they describe the "ticket" as something they know the other person needs, and reminds the person that they can call them if they want to talk to someone about the "gender or sexuality confusion". To me, the combination of these two "motives" makes the narrator sound a bit more human than if it was purely "I'm here to do good", if that makes sense.

Critique-wise, I don't have any huge ones. I did notice you say "tonight" twice, and I think that in such a short poem it might be worth it to avoid that kind of repetition. Even just changing out "as we stand here tonight" for "as we stand here this evening" would eliminate that repetition nicely.

The sentence also feels a bit run-on, especially in the way that the middle chunk ("as we stand here tonight in this family life center and i hand you the ticket that you didn’t know you needed") is a separate idea to the outer parts. I think it could be interesting to experiment with parenthesis or potentially even line breaks to make the sentence slightly simpler to untangle, but it's really up to your taste and what effect you're going for. Right now it feels like this is something that might be scribbled on the back of the "ticket", and if you added line breaks it wouldn't feel like that anymore.

I would agree with winterwolf that the choice of lowercase capitalization works super well for this poem; it makes it feel more personal, more familiar, more "this is a message being shared one-on-one with the person I'm causing identity confusion".

Overall, I really enjoyed reading and reviewing this poem! I hope this is useful to you, and I'm sorry I don't have more constructive criticism. If you have any thoughts/questions about stuff I said, feel free to bring those up!

all the best,
-whatcha

Points: 5175
Reviews: 33

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Thu Jul 22, 2021 12:35 am

winterwolf0100 wrote a review...

First off, I want to say that this vibes with me a lot. My ultimate goal as a genderfluid individual is to confuse everyone around me. Nowwww, onto the actual review! XD

Soooo, this is clearly all one sentence, but I'm going to attempt to split it up in a way that makes sense anyway.

if i'm not causing you some gender or sexuality confusion, (...) remember my phone number when the effect hits you later on tonight.

I already stated this, but I absolutely love this concept. I also notice that throughout the entirety of the poem, you don't capitalize anything, which is a really nice choice for this particular poem in particular. It makes it feel more personal and close, and also makes it less formal and again-- more personal. For this sentence in particular, the phrasing of "gender or sexuality confusion" is a bit chunky in a way. I'm trying to to think of a better way to phrase it-- 'if i'm not causing you to question your geender or sexuality', perhaps? Just something to think on, I suppose! I also love the idea of remembering a phone number, because it means the narrator is there for the reader if they ever need that help.

as we stand here tonight in this family life center and i hand you the ticket that you didn't know you needed

Now this is certainly interesting! The first thing that I'll point out is that family life centers, in my experience, are strictly confined to a church setting. I'm sure you realized this, so I'm just pointing it out for any readers, because it really gives the meaning a twist! I love the idea of an older LGBTQ+ individual being able to offer guidance to a younger church member who may be questioning, especially because some churches have a particularly stifling environment for young LGBTQ+ people. The idea of handing them the ticket they didn't know they needed is a beautiful concept, especially in the church context. It's the moment of realization when you go
"Nothing's wrong with me."
"There are other's like me."
"There's a word for it."
As a queer individual, had I seen someone like that at my church, I feel certain I would've figured myself out quicker. This especially ties in beautifully with the gender and sexuality confusion, because really, it's not confusion at all, but a realization of one's self. It's coming to terms with yourself sooner. Most people don't realize they're searching for something until they discover their identity or sexuality, and finally, everything feels right. You don't realize you need it until you have it.

Overall, the beauty of this piece is the simplicity but also the impactfulness. It's truly a masterpiece, and I felt torn taking it apart into separate pieces because it all flows so amazingly. It's such a powerful story and message, that when you're in a place you don't feel you belong, when you're searching for that missing piece of yourself, there'll be someone there who'll not only help you find the missing piece, but will help you pick yourself back up and make a life for yourself afterwards. Again, honestly, what a masterpiece. Thank you so much for sharing it!

I'm so happy I clicked on this and checked it out. My mind is truly blown at the absolute brilliance of it all. For now, stay strong, stay safe, and stay proud of who you are. Like for everyone I review, my dm's are always open to talk writing, the piece, or to vent about life. I'm here, and feel free to ask for a review if you ever want one in the future. I'd be honored to help out. I hope this helps, and thanks for being amazing! : D

~Winter