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E - Everyone

Perception

by Capa002


I saw a woman drown in an ocean of insecurity.

I saw a kitten curl herself in a bed of roses.

I saw a man grip onto the golden key.

I saw a glass shatter beneath his feet.

I saw a book gather dust on a shelf of ivory.

I saw a child stare through the bars of protection, security and innocence.

I saw him stab the sword of betrayal into my heart.

I saw myself bow down and accept it.


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62 Reviews


Points: 2872
Reviews: 62

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Wed Feb 07, 2018 8:18 pm
AliceinBluue wrote a review...



Hey hey! Alice stopping on by for a quick review of your lovely poem!

First up, what I liked about your poem!

I really liked the emotions you are conveying in your poem. It gives off a sense of melancholy, of acceptance. Like, you can't save everyone, you can't even save yourself, so why should you even try. Some things you see are good, some things people refuse to let go of, and some things lead to destruction. I really, REALLY liked the line 'I saw a child stare through the bars of protection, security and innocence.' like, you take things that are normally seen as good things(protection, security, and innocence), and you make them a prison. The child is looking out, obviously yearning for whatever lies beyond the bars, but they can't reach it, because they are trapped by the very things that keep them safe from things that would do them harm. And because of that, they are being harmed in the process, like the child will struggle against their cage all their life and hurt themselves on the bars. Hands down my favorite line.

Next, onto my critiques!

While I like the ambiguity of most of your lines, a few more context clues would be helpful. Like in the line about the man gripping the key, what is the key exactly? Does it unlock a door? A chest? Why does he grip it so hard? Does it lead to his downfall or his salvation? And the line about the glass shattering, does the glass shatter because of his own actions or because of the actions of another? Does he free fall or does he scrabble for purchase and cut himself on the sharp edges? Just a bit more information and you can engage the reader so much more.

That about wraps it up for me! My critiques ended up being mostly suggestions, so you can disregard them if you want to keep a bit more ambiguity in your poem. As for your title, I actually really like the one you have now! But, if you're not totally married to it, maybe something along the lines of "I Saw" or "Acceptance"? Keep up the great work!
-Alice




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5 Reviews


Points: 12
Reviews: 5

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Tue Feb 06, 2018 10:06 pm
resfeber wrote a review...



Hey!

I really do love this poem. I get a big sense of something good never lasts. I'm not sure if that is exactly what you intended on doing, but as the reader that's what I take from this. I do like the poem title but some other suggestions are, "Eye Sore" or you could be fancy and do "Rien n'est ├ęternel" (which means nothing lasts forever). These are just suggestions, don't feel like you have to take them into consideration. Either way enjoyed reading the poem and could relate to it in many ways. The poem has a sad and powerless tone to it, this intrigues me even more because you are able to use this to your advantage and create a story that accurately can show emotions like crushed or devastated. Keep writing! I would love to read more! Also great job with the imagery, I have a brain that likes to imagine the words I'm reading as a movie, and your poem did just that!





"Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness."
— Bishop Desmond Tutu