Hey there! How about a review?
I love how light this was. I really needed something sort of carefree and spontaneous today! You did a pretty good job of simply telling what you wanted told- which is good.
I speed up and calmly settle in step with him.
I find this a little amazing. I know maybe one girl that would have been brave enough to just walk up to some guy they thought was cute and introduce themselves- on the street. And she was a little bit manic. My point is I find this action very forward of your character that seems pretty shy at other times.
"Cameron," he assures me, and his steady hand shakes mine.
We don't "assure" people when we tell them our names unless the person was confused about our name and they got it right- THEN we'd assure them. But this was out of place. Don't be afraid to use simple he/she/they said dialogue tags. Other dialogue tags like breathes, screams, muffles, chirps, ect just bog the writing down because we have to read something we already know- in writing you can generally tell what the dialogue is suppose to feel like based on the scene and characters feelings and what's being said- we don't need to be told, believe it or not. It can be hard to get out of that mentality though- I still catch myself writing "whispers" from time to time. But although it seems like it creates more variety in the writing, it's just telling us something we already know.
The tall boy laughs.
We learnt his name was Cameron pretty soon into the story, but the MC keeps referring to him as "tall boy" or "hot boy" and it just feels rather unnecessary to me. I know that that's kind of the theme of the story- what with the title and ending and all- but calling Cameron "hot boy" really doesn't impact us at all. Readers don't fall in love with characters for their looks (how could we? We can't see anything), we fall in love with them for their personality. Which brings me onto my next comment.
We didn't have a lot of time to get to know your characters, and your characters didn't have a lot of time to get to know each other! Literally all we know about Cameron is that he's handsome (according to Emma) and he lives next to Emma- and he's four years older than her!- and I'm not going to play the "OMG HE'S WAY TOO OLD FOR HER" card, because I've totally been there, and age doesn't really matter when you're older, but when it's at this age you kind of get this feeling like is he just taking advantage of her? Because really, the story and romance progresses so fast that the characters don't even have time to fall in love. They talked all of once - a very short conversation I might add - and the next day they're rolling in the grass together...? Sadly it doesn't work that way. I'd suggest slowing this piece down a bit, let the characters get to know one another, let us get to know them (maybe Cameron invites Emma to go bowling with him and his sister or something?). I still hardly know anything about Emma, even.
Larry and Stella wait outside watching their grandbabies have fun. I slip by, and run smack into tan abs.
We weren't introduced to them as Larry and Stella when you first mentioned them, so it felt a little odd when you threw their names in there like that- it's a bit confusing at first, I found myself thinking who's Larry and Stella..?
"Look at me. Actually, don't..."
I thought this was funny! It shows us a bit of what Emma's humour is about, which I absolutely love! Try to do more like this- really show us her character. This line later on also made me a bit sad because so many people - especially teens/tweens think they're not attractive. I have seen the most beautiful people down in the dumps because they think they're ugly and it breaks my heart.
"Mom? Dad? Can I go say goodnight to my neighbor?"
Would you ask your mum and dad this? Would they say yes without looking at you funny? Somehow I doubt it. Parents are a rare breed that can smell fish MILES away from the ocean. They're always suspicious of anything that may possibly be suspicious. Just think about it. Everyone's parents are different, though they all seem to have this suspicion though.
Anyway, nice job! I hope you keep it up!!! ^_^
-Socks
Points: 0
Reviews: 494
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