Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
“I think it would be good for you Daniel. Stuff around here has been pretty hectic and as a young man you don't need worries like that in your life yet.”, said his father across the diner-esque table.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing, shipping him to a private school? His parents could barely keep their shack-like house from being taken away. With the divorce chewing up money and them fighting; where could this idea possibly come from? His grades in school are above average, and he doesn't get in more trouble than any other kids. He hadn't made any real friends yet, just some druggies that were decent enough to acknowledge him.
“Uh, so, did i do something to piss you guys off or what?”
“Its just those kids you hang around, theres something I don't like about them.”
“They seem dangerous sweetie thats all”, his mom added.
“You dont even know them, how would you know what they're like?”
“Ive heard things about what they do. Drugs and stealing? thats not like you!”
“Jesus Christ mom! I'm not stealing or getting high! Don't you know me!? Just because you guys aren't around doesnt mean i'm here doing illegal shit!”
He actually knew that she barely knew what he was like anymore. The distance between them had been there but why would his parents want him out He knew his parents were splitting up but why ship him out?
“Now is not the time to be a little smart ass Daniel!”
His father was clearly pissed, which never end swimmingly. Its kinda like a gorilla, have you ever seen an angry gorilla? They clobber around and throw whatever they get their hands on. So yea, its kinda like that. But Danny was prepared for gorilla fights, especially after months of them.
“Why do you want me out all of a sudden how about a little allusion to that!?”
“We think its better Daniel”
At this point he wasn't close to either of his parents. Its hard to stay close when both of them are out partying all day, coming home and staying with other people constantly. He scarcely saw them, he practically lives alone.
“Tell me the truth, what is this about!?”
Then it clicked in his head, he barely knew them, which means they barely knew him. Someone would need custody after the divorce. But with him sent away no one would need to look after him. This was simply a ploy to rid of their only son.
“Oh my god, I know what this is.”
“What Daniel?”
“You’re just dumping me, you're getting rid of me, just throwing me away, well fuck you! You’re never hear anyways, its not like anything will change!
He had smashed something mid explosion, he didn't know what. His parents were stunned, and their faces were guilty. The house was silent and sweaty, with the sole hanging lamp in the ceiling swinging back and forth over the table.
“Thats not at all what this is” said his lair of a father
Dannys hand was dripping blood. It was his fathers “1# Dad” mug he crushed from the blow.
“Bullshit, you two are throwing me away, like you're throwing away your marriage! Youre not my dad, and you're not my mom. You are nobody to me”.
His father glared, “Fine you think youre a badass? How about this? You've been disowned from this family. So you are officially no one to us.
The that sentence rang in his ears, it was deafening, he couldn't take it anymore. This house was a prison, and it was his opportunity to break out. He bust the door open and ran as far and hard as he ever had. Hearing only the wind, gravel beneath his feet, and the sound of his breath. His parents didn't make a sound.
He sprinted through Cole County. His mind was racing, his life flashing before his eyes. Everything seemed gone. Like this wasn't real. How could it happen to him? He had never been unwanted before. Where will he go? What will he say? When people ask him why he's not out at 2 in the morning will he tell them he's on his way home or will he tell them he was abandoned? He stopped running, he looked where he was. Sprocket Street, the main road going through this town. He was directly under the streetlamp out front of Bakers drugstore. He heard only the sound of crickets and wind. Almost on cue a drop of rain hit his face, and slowly the rain fell harder and faster. Soon it was a steady downpour, showering him till his clothes and hair plastered to his body. He sat on the curb, exhausted , defeated.
Suddenly he heard something. A voice? Laughter? Whos out at two o'clock?
The he clearly heard a voice, reaching out from the onyx alley.
“You and me right now baby, lets see what you can do!”
He rose up and walked into the alley. The rain fell harder, and the wind picked up. The raindrops were needles against is soaked skin. As he creeped further he heard more voices.
“You can take him Mercy, he's only got size on you dude.”
“Bitch im twice your size what are you gonna do?”, a new voice taunted. He detected a slight Hispanic accent.
He entered the moonlit lot. 6 figures were standing in the fury of rain, drenched and drunk on laughter. Their bodies glistening in the night. A semi circle formed around two people. Their shirts were off as they began to square up. The one on the right was tall lean and decently muscular with long arms. On the right was a shorter, very cut and stocky warrior in his stance. Is this a fight? he thought. Why out here, now?
“Alright! Alvin you ready?”
“Yea, yea, i'm ready.”
They sounded young, like his age.
“Mercedes! you go?”
“Yea I am.”
They're really about to go at it.
“Yall got gloves on!?
They confirmed yes. It began to hail.
“Here we go!. Ready! Fight!”
The bigger one, he presumed was Alvin took the first swing. He threw a wild haymaker easily dodged by the shorter one he assumed was Mercedes. Alvin connected a jab, then another, then straight right. The stocky guy was getting pounded on. Then like a gunshot rang Mercedes uppercut. Like a cannon went off into the lanky fighters chin. He hit the asphalt before the dealer followed through. It was over.
“Oh shit!”, yelledl a nameless body.
“That was so tight!, shouted another.
“Get him up man don't just leave him down!”, commanded a tall muscular figure.
“Shit, my bad.”
The Lanky guy was dragged to the side, only slapped several times before shaking his head awake.
“What happened?”
“You got your ass kicked thats what happened”, jokingly replied a heavyset, hatted body
Laughter erupted from the group, followed by lighthearted insults. Danny was still frozen where he stood. Not believing what he just saw, why did all this just happen? He was lost in thought, a voice snapped him back to reality.
“Hey! You! Who the hell are you?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I've always wanted to write some contemporary fiction circulating around a messed up family life and gangs and everything. I'm a believer in figurative language (I'm a Dickens person!), so I'm not a huge fan of the writing style, but I think it suits the story. It's still lucid and easy to read, which is pleasant. I see that you have many simple errors (missing commas and grammatical errors). Hopefully this project will be revised and go a long way further. Good luck to you and this work!
Hello CaliCo, I must say your story is interesting, very easy to read and follow as well as filled with adequate action to keep the reader coming for more.
Daniel is a likable great character who is trying to understand the world around him but not letting it take control of him so well done.
My review:
- Your story should be in either present tense or past tense, never both. You use both present tense and past tense which can be confusing to the reader. e.g.
Present tense: " At this point he wasn't close to either of his parents. Its hard to stay close when both of them are out partying all day, coming home and staying with other people constantly. He scarcely saw them, he practically lives alone."
Then past tense: " Then it clicked in his head, he barely knew them, which means they barely knew him. "
So choose one for your story, either present tense or past tense.
- Is it Daniel or Danny? Use the name that the reader should know the character by. Daniel may be his name but if the character is always called Danny, always use Danny when he does an action or vice versa. Using both Daniel and Danny can be confusing even if they are the same name.
- This paragraph is confusing. " His father was clearly pissed, which never end swimmingly. Its kinda like a gorilla, have you ever seen an angry gorilla? They clobber around and throw whatever they get their hands on. So yea, its kinda like that. But Danny was prepared for gorilla fights, especially after months of them. "
The paragraph is confusing because it is conversational, as if someone is speaking it but there are no "parenthesis."
If you would like to take a conversational stance, as in writer communicating thoughts with reader, you have to do it from the start and write using first person point of view (through the point of view of Daniel e.g. I looked at my father. He was clearly pissed, which never ended swimmingly.). However this piece is written in third person. (through the point of view of the reader e.g. Daniel looked at his father who was clearly pissed, which never ended swimmingly.)
- Mind your punctuation, grammar and spellings.
e.g: “Tell me the truth, what is this about!?” A question mark can never come after an exclamation mark, so it should be: "Tell me the truth, what is this about?!” Also, don't use the exclamation mark unless someone is shouting.
e.g: " Someone would need custody after the divorce. But with him sent away no one would need to look after him. This was simply a ploy to rid of their only son. "
Try: " Someone would need to take custody of him after the divorce. But with him sent away, no one would need to look after him. This was simply a plot to get rid of their only son. "
e.g: “Thats not at all what this is” said his lair of a father
Try: “ That's not at all what this is,” said his liar of a father.
e.g. " Dannys hand was dripping blood. It was his fathers “1# Dad” mug he crushed from the blow. "
Try: " Danny's hand dripped with blood. It was his fathers mug labelled “1# Dad” that had been crushed by the blow. "
e.g: " “That was so tight!, shouted another. " A comma does not come after an exclamation mark.
Try: “ "That was so tight!" shouted another.
- Always use punctuation: You're not Youre. e.g: Not,
" Youre not my dad, and you're not my mom. You are nobody to me”.
" Fine you think youre a badass? "
- Did you mean, "When people ask him why he is out at two in the morning..."
e.g: "When people ask him why he's not out at 2 in the morning will he tell them he's on his way home or will he tell them he was abandoned?"
- Was there an actual gunshot? If not, don't mention it here. It is quite confusing. I actually though Mercedes was shot dead when I read this line.
"Then like a gunshot rang Mercedes uppercut. "
- The dealer followed through. You never told the reader that one of the two fighting was a dealer so mentioning it during an action is confusing in this sentence: " He hit the asphalt before the dealer followed through."
Also, followed through what.
- If you or the reader does not know the name of a character, don't call them nameless because the character actually has a name that we just don't know. e.g: “Oh shit!”, yelledl a nameless body. Also, the coma is unnecessary.
Try: “Oh shit!” somebody yelled.
My review is so long but do not get discouraged. This is actually one of the stories I've enjoyed most here on YWS because it is easy to read, I like the character and the story appeals to me. Will he actually go to private school? That would be a twist. Also, does the chapter end there, not enough closure to keep the reader wanting more. End on a conflict that the reader can follow through to the next chapter. Too long, my bad. Keep writing.