Hey there! I can't say I'm too sure why I've decided to review this because my knowledge of scripts doesn't exactly go far (think being forced into reading 'An Inspector Calls' for GCSE. but hey, I like to challenge myself! As a result, don't expect anything too spectacular from this review, but what I can promise you is that I'll try my very hardest to give you advice you can hopefully apply to your work in order to improve it.
JOCK #1 sneers, staring to undo his belt.
I think you mean starting
The room starts to spin. COLE falls to the floor.
Just a question, does the room literally start to spin? As in, would the set literally start spinning? If so, this is completely fine. If not, you may want to reword that because right now, it comes across as the room literally spinning.
Overall
This certainly has an interesting premise, and I love how many directions in which this could go. It's left me with a lot of questions (in a good way) that makes me wonder what is going to happen next, who Cole exactly is, if he's genuinely gay, who's going to find Cole now that he's passed out, how people react to his bullying e.t.c. By leaving this on a cliffhanger, you've caught my interest and made me eager to find out Cole's fate, so a massive bravo to you for that considering it is the aim of all writers.
Now, as for critiques. As this is a short piece and as I'm also hardly an expert on scripts, I don't have an awful lot of critiques to give you. I do apologise for that, but I have managed to conjure up some suggestions and advice for you that can hopefully help improve this scene further. My main one being that I can't help feeling that this would benefit from being longer. I'm not necessarily saying you have to make more things happen, I'm mainly saying that more detail may be beneficial to this scene. Right now, it's mainly descriptions of the way in which Cole gets beaten up, and I just think that there is a lot more you can do with it.
One thing I think you could do is be more descriptive of setting. Whilst I'm no expert on scripts, what I do know is that setting is one of the most important elements when it comes to creating the right mood and atmosphere with this kind of thing. For example, you note that they're in a bathroom, but what does that bathroom actually look like? Maybe before you get into all the action, you could give a brief overview of how the bathroom looks. Is there graffiti on the walls? Are the walls an off-white colour? Is a tap running? Is there a broken mirror in there? Details like this will have a surprisingly positive effect on atmosphere, and because you're unable to really use imagery and what not with scripts, their importance is even greater.
On a sort of similar note, I think you could maybe add more dialogue. I mean, these jocks clearly aren't the nicest lads in the world, and I really want you to portray and emphasise that. Don't get me wrong, I'd hardly call them lovely young men as they are now, but really make us loathe them. I mean, heck, this is an 18 rated piece anyway so you may as well go all out. Make the other jocks talk more maybe because right now, Jock #1 is the only one who actually says anything. I'm going to maybe guess you've done that because he's supposedly the leader, but even the minions can throw in some harsh words when they want.
I also would maybe like to see more of Cole speaking. Yes, okay, he's having his face kicked in, but I think it will make us readers sympathise with him more if he at least tries to speak more. In fact, if he tries but struggles to speak, that could really rile the readers because it makes us think, that's just awful, absolutely terrible! The poor boy's trying to speak, and he can't even do that properly because of those idiot jocks! Kapeesh?
The only other critique I have is about the plot, content and situation itself because as it stands, it's a very stereotypical situation with noticeably stereotypical characters. You've got the jocks bullying the outsider, which even you have to admit isn't a groundbreakingly (that is so a word) original concept. I will hold back a bit with this because this is only the first scene, and so it's unfair to make assumptions surrounding characters. Nonetheless, I do think you should make an effort to differentiate these characters' personalities compared to any other jock, or any other outsider.
Let's go with the current situation where Jock #1 does all the talking. Maybe he's the leader and the other two are his minions, and if so, emphasise it until the sun don't shine. This is where adding dialogue would also improve this critique, for example, whenever Jock #1 says something you could have the other jocks but in to support their 'leader'. Have them laugh at Jock #1, have them call him a legend (or whatever the equivalent of a legend is in US land), have them tell Jock #1 to hit Cole where it hurts, have them egg him on when he insults and hits Cole.
I know my ideas are hardly the most incredible ones, but do you see what I'm trying to say? Try and make each character stand out because right now, they're all a little one dimensional and all I can really view them as are high school stereotypes... and c'mon, we all know people have more to them than the stereotypes we give them. Keep this in mind as you continue your script as well because it's important that you avoid cliches and stereotyped throughout, otherwise you may be falling into a dangerous trap.
Right, anyhow, I think I'm done. I can't think of any other critiques, so I'll leave it at that. If you have any questions regarding this review, don't be scared to message me or post on my wall to ask about it. I will be more than happy to give you further help and advice. Sorry this wasn't the most amazing review considering scripts aren't my forte, but I hope that I've at least said something helpful!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Points: 44360
Reviews: 1087
Donate