Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
It's like you're screaming,& no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed, No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless but nothing can save you. I wanted to fold up & stop. I didn't wanna think anymore, I don't expect my family to understand. They don't know me, then they always are asking "What the hell wrong with you?"Really too much! that's the real problem, isn't it? I can't do anything about nor could I change it. I'm not doing great in fact, I can't remember the last time I felt this bad. It doesn't matter what I do....or what I chose I'm what's wrong. If I'm not hurting myself I'm hurting everyone around me and there's nothing I can do about it.
It's not that I don't want to be happy. It's despite, how hard I try I can't bring myself to be happy. I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed, why did I have to be this way? I've had a great family, not so much great friends, good grades, on paper everything is ok. Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey. It's like there's this burden on me pulling me to the ground and however hard you try can't bring myself out. I can't bring myself to care about anything, not me, not him, not her, living has become a constant nightmare. It's just not fair. Society will tell me to try breathing, counting to 10. Go for a walk, listen to a meditation. I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or medication. It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life, my relationships, my education, and to this day despite my best efforts to explain. I am always met with blind hesitation.
People ask me" why are you always so sad?" I tell them I don't know...I don't know. What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolute crap. That's become my new norm. I'm afraid of the world, I am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control. Where's the fairness of it all? Do they like to watch me fail? Into this hole of self-hate, shame and loathe. So I hide them and put up a wall. That's so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws.
I create this character and she is perfect, she's invincible. And so I carry on live these two lives, one for public and one just for me late at night cause that's easier than admitting you have a problem and that's the problem. The stigma is real people and it doesn't go away until we realize that mental health is a big deal. It's a hidden disease that's affecting so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries. It's a kid that never speaks. The guy who's always tired. The woman who's too emotional. The guy who was fired, he couldn't make it to work on time. His mental health was failing. Do you think any of his colleagues were aware? Course not. Depression is the hell inside all of us, we may not see it but it's there.
And it kills