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I can't Escape

by BrokenHeartsAri


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

It's like you're screaming,& no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed, No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless but nothing can save you. I wanted to fold up & stop. I didn't wanna think anymore, I don't expect my family to understand. They don't know me, then they always are asking "What the hell wrong with you?"Really too much! that's the real problem, isn't it? I can't do anything about nor could I change it. I'm not doing great in fact, I can't remember the last time I felt this bad. It doesn't matter what I do....or what I chose I'm what's wrong. If I'm not hurting myself I'm hurting everyone around me and there's nothing I can do about it.

It's not that I don't want to be happy. It's despite, how hard I try I can't bring myself to be happy. I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed, why did I have to be this way? I've had a great family, not so much great friends, good grades, on paper everything is ok. Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey. It's like there's this burden on me pulling me to the ground and however hard you try  can't bring myself out. I can't bring myself to care about anything, not me, not him, not her, living has become a constant nightmare. It's just not fair. Society will tell me to try breathing, counting to 10. Go for a walk, listen to a meditation. I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or medication. It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life, my relationships, my education, and to this day despite my best efforts to explain. I am always met with blind hesitation.

People ask me" why are you always so sad?" I tell them I don't know...I don't know. What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolute crap. That's become my new norm. I'm afraid of the world, I am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control. Where's the fairness of it all? Do they like to watch me fail? Into this hole of self-hate, shame and loathe. So I hide them and put up a wall. That's so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws.

I create this character and she is perfect, she's invincible. And so I carry on live these two lives, one for public and one just for me late at night cause that's easier than admitting you have a problem and that's the problem. The stigma is real people and it doesn't go away until we realize that mental health is a big deal. It's a hidden disease that's affecting so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries. It's a kid that never speaks. The guy who's always tired. The woman who's too emotional. The guy who was fired, he couldn't make it to work on time. His mental health was failing. Do you think any of his colleagues were aware? Course not. Depression is the hell inside all of us, we may not see it but it's there.

And it kills


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Points: 375
Reviews: 3

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Fri Mar 12, 2021 5:50 am
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AshlynPhoenix wrote a review...



Heya! Ashlyn here with my first review!
Before getting into the details, I just want to say that as someone with Asperger's Syndrome I appreciate the fact that your writing about mental illness.
Sooo, without further ado, the review, paragraph by paragraph:

It's like you're screaming,& no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed, No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless but nothing can save you. I wanted to fold up & stop. I didn't wanna think anymore, I don't expect my family to understand. They don't know me, then they always are asking "What the hell wrong with you?"Really too much! that's the real problem, isn't it? I can't do anything about nor could I change it. I'm not doing great in fact, I can't remember the last time I felt this bad. It doesn't matter what I do....or what I chose I'm what's wrong. If I'm not hurting myself I'm hurting everyone around me and there's nothing I can do about it.

You've got a powerful first line there, but it comes off a bit cliche. Yeah, having a mental illness no one understands does feel like screaming no one can hear, but I'd describe the feeling as some sort of emptiness. Like...your on a desolate landscape that's been burnt to the ground, and your searching for someone to take you home.
It's not so much a scream no one hears, as a isolation no one can understand. As for the bit that comes after, lol, I've gotta tell you, my initial reaction was YESSS!!! YESSS!! EXACTLY. No one is even capable of understanding how much it hurts.
Now, I have a supportive family so I've never had to deal with the whole ''What the hell is wrong with you' charade but yep, I relate to the 'I can't do anything about, nor could I change it' and definitely the 'I'm what's wrong' piece.
I feel like you should add in some more though-
How everyone treats you like a child.
How you feel self-conscious about everything you say, because you know everyone is going to say it's wrong.
How you tell yourself everyday your mental illness makes you special, but then your reminded of every single damn way it's a problem.

It's not that I don't want to be happy. It's despite, how hard I try I can't bring myself to be happy. I feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed, why did I have to be this way? I've had a great family, not so much great friends, good grades, on paper everything is ok. Yet all I ever seem to see is sadness and grey. It's like there's this burden on me pulling me to the ground and however hard you try can't bring myself out. I can't bring myself to care about anything, not me, not him, not her, living has become a constant nightmare. It's just not fair. Society will tell me to try breathing, counting to 10. Go for a walk, listen to a meditation. I tell them that this cannot be solved by exercise or medication. It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life, my relationships, my education, and to this day despite my best efforts to explain. I am always met with blind hesitation.

Since you mention society here, I feel like you should expand a little more on how other people treat those with mental illness.The looks, the constant 'corrections'.
YESSS mental illness does have that 'I can't bring myself to care about anything' affect. However, this is just my thinking of course, but, I'd say it's the opposite-you care about everything, every little thing, more then everyone else, society just numbs you to the pain.
Blind hesitation is sooo definitely a good way to describe people's first reaction to someone with a mental illness lol, I really must applaud you for that line.
People ask me" why are you always so sad?" I tell them I don't know...I don't know. What I do know is that I wake up everyday feeling like absolute crap. That's become my new norm. I'm afraid of the world, I am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear that I will be judged for something I cannot control. Where's the fairness of it all? Do they like to watch me fail? Into this hole of self-hate, shame and loathe. So I hide them and put up a wall. That's so high, you will never see my pain or any of my flaws.

I'm starting to think you must be some kind of psychic iamo because I couldn't have put it better myself-that fear that society is going to judge you and laugh as you fall into that hole of self-hate.
Just a side note though: What happens if someone sees those flaws, those vulnerabilities? That might be something worth considering.

I create this character and she is perfect, she's invincible. And so I carry on live these two lives, one for public and one just for me late at night cause that's easier than admitting you have a problem and that's the problem. The stigma is real people and it doesn't go away until we realize that mental health is a big deal. It's a hidden disease that's affecting so many lives, wake up and listen to the silent cries. It's a kid that never speaks. The guy who's always tired. The woman who's too emotional. The guy who was fired, he couldn't make it to work on time. His mental health was failing. Do you think any of his colleagues were aware? Course not. Depression is the hell inside all of us, we may not see it but it's there.

And it kills

Now this paragraph is utterly perfect, and I can't think of anything else to add, but I must note that the examples you gave, such as the kid that never speaks are somewhat stereotypical.
______________________________________________
Over all this is a beautiful peace, that contains ideas people really need to hear. I applaud you for writing this <33
Keep on writing-
Ashlyn Phoenix






Thanks, for the review.I kind of went off my mental health problems, because I thought it would be important to let people know it's not a joke.





Your welcome! I kinda was going off my own experiences as well :) If it came off as though I was not taking this seriously, I'm sorry. It wasn't my intention to disregard your experience in anyway <3





It's ok. Keep a lookout for some other stuff. I going to do a series of this.



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Tue Mar 09, 2021 5:56 pm
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frogforest wrote a review...



Ok so I'm just gonna jump right into this,
Overall I think that there are a lot of bold and powerful ideas here. I can definitely see the emotion and feeling seeping through the words. Some of the lines are like a slap to the face, awakening, and giving the reader perspective.
BUT, with that said, I think that the sentence structure in some of the paragraphs is really taking away from the ultimate dynamic of the piece.
Some examples would be, in the first paragraph, "I can't do anything about nor could I change it. I'm not doing great in fact I can't remember the last time I felt this bad." I think that maybe you could add in some commas to break it up. It's hard for the readers to digest the sentences (especially compound sentences) if they don't take a break to breathe.
Another example, "It's a kid that never speaks or the guy who's always tired, the woman who's too emotional, or the guy who just got fired cause he couldn't get himself out of bed due to his mental health but do you think any of his colleagues knew that?". I feel like this would read a LOT easier to read if you split it up into multiple sentences. Here's how I would write it, "It's a kid who never speaks. The guy who's always tired. The woman who's 'too emotional'. The guy who was fired, he couldn't make it to work on time. His mental health was failing. Do you think any of his colleagues were aware?" BUT that's just how I would write it, you don't have to change your version, this is just a suggestion.
There are other instances where the sentence structure is a little off, and it does take away from the idea you're trying to carry across.
Now, for my praises,
I literally love the last line, "And it kills". It's like BOOM, end of sentence, drop the mic. A great way to close off the idea because depression quite literally kills people.
Another line I'm simping for is, "I am always met with blind hesitation.". As someone with mental health issues, I can imagine that depression would feel like a lengthened hesitation. But I that's just how I interpreted it. AND that's another great thing about that line, it's abstract, so how the readers imagine it is completely up to them.

Overall: A strong piece with potential to be EVEN BETTER.






Thank you I will definitely consider your words.Thank you again for the review.



frogforest says...


AHHHH I saw you edited this, and it's GREAT!!! It definitely flows a lot better, and feels more meaningful.




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