Young Writers Society

Aloha! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method Today!

Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm diving headfirst into some new reading material, ready for an adventure. I whip out my trusty binoculars, and what do I see? A super intriguing story called "The Break-in" that definitely deserves a solid review. So, no more waiting around, let's jump right in!



Top Graham Cracker - What I Know
So very first of all, you've written an amazing story here! The humor started from the first sentence and stayed right there by your side 'till the very end. You have a huge imagination and you're full of creativity! From a prompt you've managed to create something humorous and marvelous, Chapeau!

Slightly Burnt Marshamallow - Room for Improvements
There is always, and again, ALWAYS, room for improvement. For example, you can add more dialogues, adjust the pacing, describe the setting more vividly, and many more things. But in the end, the only thing that I really think you should do........ is write a sequel! I would love to read a sequel of "The Break-in". But of course, that is entirely up to you.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I'll say it again if I have to, but the humor of your story is just on point. The first sentence of the story is the best and definitely my favorite, it's also the reason why I decided to read further, I knew that this story was funny one.
The part where you describe the trash in the car is also just awesome.

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
As I said before, I just loved this story! It was just the thing to read today, so I'm glad I stumbled upon it.
A "little extra note": Feel free to check out some stories from @foxmaster, such as This season on Ms. Fowell's School of Witchcraft and Mayhem! and Dark Side of the Coffee Machine 0: The BIG boss!, for some more ideas to add some extra flavor to your storytelling!

Me,
Rose

I'm really sorry Blue the checklist challenge made me do it Hey Blue! Tuck here with a review for you today.

Wow, that took a steep turn. I love how you took a challenge and ran with it and created something totally different than what I was originally imagining. Not only did you work a great plot into a descriptive challenge, you balanced them in such a nice way so that they complemented each other. On the whole, a well-done story!

However, I felt that your antagonistic character was playing into a lot of stereotypes. While I appreciated the many small cues you gave the reader to hint at the personality, I was somewhat disappointed to find a character that matched all of those stereotypes. This could have been avoided by creating a rough-looking biker guy who has a princess sticker on his leather jacket that his young daughter put there, or another similar character. That would help humanize the character and give him some more dimension beyond "big-tough-scary-guy".

I also take issue with some of the action that took place here. From the impression I've received, your main character is smaller than the owner of the Tempo. I'm surprised to see that the owner doesn't give more pursuit, or take more physical action to prevent an escape. As far as we know, he stands there in stunned silence and watches as the rest of the story unfolds. Besides, the main character has to take at least four minutes to escape, since she would have to:
1) Find an unlocked, unoccupied car (which may prove to be difficult since previous description states that the parking lot was empty )
2) Travel to said car and enter it (another 30 seconds at minimum)
3) Hotwire the car (assuming that she's done this before, she may be able to do it in 1-2 minutes, but if this is one of her first times, it'd probably take closer to 5)
All of that is plenty of time for her to be chased down by the Tempo's owner, or at the very least for the owner or some other eyewitnesses to notice the plates, notice her description, or otherwise intervene. This doesn't seem like the perfect crime by any stretch of the imagination, so I have a hard time imaging how she escapes from this unscathed. All this to say, her escape likely would not have been as smooth as it is written here.

Overall, however, your mix of description and plot made for a vividly entertaining story, and I enjoyed seeing the parts of your personality that were brought out in your response to this prompt! While I took issue with some of the specifics, the idea was original and refreshing to read. I hope that some of my critiques have been helpful to you, and please feel free to reach out with any questions!

Best,
Tuck

Hey, it's Pervy here. This story was good and you described the events well. It just left me wondering that the average man would beat the s*it out of you for trespassing in his car, since to guys, cars tend to be very important. I also think that the girl was over-reacting. If the man showed no signs of hostility, what gives her the reason to suddenly break loose, stabbing the car tire (without the man stopping her?) and breaking into the NEXT car (:D) and hotwiring it before the man can move a muscle.

Just a point, and I noticed you misspelled "tired" when you meant just "tire".

That's all, a good short story and all that, but why would the girl change her entire ID for something like that? Oh well ^^

Sincerely,
Perviguana~

Okay, i enjoyed this story.

However, i feel the main character is a tad strange. Why would you just walk over to a car, see that it was open and immediately see a knife and then immediately presume that it's a murder weapon. The latter was explained:

"Maybe I have an overactive imagination. "

Indeed.

Also the ending in my eyes feels rushed. This just kills the mood. And it doesn't make me feel like remembering this story after I've read it and moved on.

I do understand that this was a "Story prompt," piece and so it wasn't your idea so to speak.

I suggest work on that ending and flesh it out a bit. Then your golden!!!