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​Chime of the Clockwork

by Blake's stories and poems


It was 11:59 P.M., two people stood at the ladder of the mighty Clockwork along with two guards. The time ticked bit by bit until midnight.

“I din’t kill nobody!” one of the people said.

The other person said “C’mon now, you and I both know there's no getting out of the Clockwork.” The mighty Clockwork began to chime as the ring spread across the great town.

“Send ‘em up” one of the guards called. One guard waved his pistol, motioning the two people to begin climbing the ladder. They complied and began climbing. The other guard followed behind them to ensure they did not try to escape.

Both of the people entered the main clock room as the guard slammed the door behind them.

One person banged on the door and cried “I din’t kill nobody! Y'all must be crazy!”.

The other person went and sat in a corner of the room and said “I’ve told you this once before, there’s no getting out of the Clockwork.”

“I’ll bet there is! We just got to look for it right?” The other person replied desperately.

“I don’t plan on helping some murderer!” the other man said.

“You're crazy! You’d rather die than help a supposed murder? B‘sides I told you I'm not some killer! You know, come to think what are you even in here for? Actin’ all innocent! Well y’ur in the clock tower too so what'd you do huh?” the other man said.

“Well I’m Daniel Jones, and I ain't some murder I’ll tell you what. You might ‘member my grandfather: Elijay Jones, nearly tore down the city from stealin’. But even he didn’t kill a single soul. But as far as what I did, stole a bunch o’ stuff from an old shop. ‘Course I didn’t exactly tear down the city. Kinda expected this; gettin’ caught, maybe like me you should just accept your crimes as well as your execution.” Daniel said.

“Stealing and murder are both unforgivable! And I assure you I did neither!” The person said.

“Tell me, what’s y’ur name?” Daniel said.

“Why I’m Joe, why do you want to know?” Joe said.

Daniel replied “Welp Joe, that man you murdered was Elijay. And ‘case you got the memory of a goldfish, that man was my grandfather. And I ain't exactly too pleased you killed him. But ya’ know? You're lucky, I won’t up and kill you here now and as long as you don’t try to escape this execution.”

The room fell almost completely silent, the only sound was the light sounds of the machinery beneath the piston they stood, and the ticking of the mighty Clockwork. Joe walked over to the glass circle upon which the clock hands ticked. Joe looked out at the industrial town that sat way below. He looked over at Daniel to see he was looking down at the floor. Joe began fiddling with clock hands but they did not budge from their intended position. Joe slowly creeped to the door and began to fiddle with it, trying to get it open without making noise. Then the door handle clicked but the door did not open.

Daniel quickly looked up and said “Oh well that’s it then.” Daniel stood up and ran at Joe. Joe dodged the attack leaving Daniel to punch the door. The door flung open as Joe ran for the door, Daniel punched him out of the way before he could escape. Joe quickly went unconscious.

After a bit, Joe finally awoke. He looked over at the door to see it once again locked shut. Then he looked over at the clock arms to see only about ten minutes remaining. The sound of the ticking echoed through the room.

Daniel began “Well your awake huh? Y’know they said I was a hero for stopping you. And y’know what, you try anything again and I’ll repeat that again. ‘Cept this time I won’t stop once you're out.”

Joe replied “This is crazy! I swear I’m not some killer! This isn’t ‘nough time! You do realise if we don’t do somethin’ then we’re crushed in ten minutes!”

Daniel replied “Well in my eyes I just redeemed myself by stopin’ some murderer. And I ain't exactly gonna just up and undo that just before my death.” Joe sat down and looked around desperately but he saw nothing. He sat there still nervously looking around as the minutes ticked by. 8 minutes, 7 minutes, 6 minutes, 5 minutes, 4 minutes, the clock seemed to tick endlessly. Joe closed his eyes, but then he realized something.

“Y’know if I’m gonna die in the next few minutes then I ain’t goin’ out without a fight!” Joe screamed. Joe flung himself at the glass repeatedly.

Daniel said “You know if you manage to break that glass you’ll just up and fall to your death anyway. Ah know what, I don’t care anymore, just fling yourself out the window if you really want.” Joe continued to do so. The clock ticked down to 1 minute as Joe slammed himself against the glass. The glass finally shattered. Joe began trying to climb along the outside wall, however Daniel quickly ran over and flung Joe back into the Clockwork. Joe fell down onto the massive piston upon which they stood. Daniel then ripped the minute hand off of the clock. Daniel raised the minute hand above his head like a blade ready to swing it down upon Joe, however the hour hand which was still on the clock had finally just ticked to 1:00. Before either of them could react the piston flung upward crushing into the ceiling as the chime of the Clockwork once again rang across the town.


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367 Reviews


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Sun Jan 31, 2021 10:50 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hello! Plume here, with a review!

I thought this story was very interesting! There's a lot that isn't explained, but the vagueness adds to the experience. Sometimes the best stories don't have the most information, and honestly, I prefer it to having to read paragraphs upon paragraphs of exposition. I think you've got some great concepts here.

One thing I really loved was your two distinct characters, Joe and Daniel. The language signatures were super distinct and they both had their own characters that helped to move the story along. It was really well done, and I applaud you!

I also love the world you've created. It's very interesting. It seems these two men have done something bad and as punishment they have to get destroyed in a clock? It's very fascinating, and it's unique ideas like these that make the best stories.

That being said, there were some parts that I was uncertain of. With the two different people being both referred to as "the other man/person" in the beginning, it was a little hard for me to determine which was which. Sometimes Daniel's accent was a little hard to follow, too. Your plot and pacing degraded towards the end, and it sometimes felt like things happened a little too fast/too slow. It was slightly hard to follow.

Specifics

“Send ‘em up” one of the guards called. One guard waved his pistol, motioning the two people to begin climbing the ladder. They complied and began climbing. The other guard followed behind them to ensure they did not try to escape.


There should be a comma after up in the dialogue.

Daniel began “Well your awake huh? Y’know they said I was a hero for stopping you. And y’know what, you try anything again and I’ll repeat that again. ‘Cept this time I won’t stop once you're out.”


"Your awake" should be "you're awake." Your is the possessive form, and you want the contraction of "you" and "are."

Other than that, it looks pretty good. I think you've got a really cool and interesting premise here, and your story is a great length. I look forward to seeing what you come up with next!!




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Mon Jan 04, 2021 5:03 pm
InuYosha wrote a review...



Hi Blake's stories and poems! I'm Yoshi and I'm here for your review!

Let's get started, shall we?

First Impression: I really think this is an interesting story. It's really dark and gloomy with a twist ending. Very nice.

It was 11:59 P.M., two people stood at the ladder of the mighty Clockwork along with two guards. The time ticked bit by bit until midnight.


Issue: Even though this section isn't very descriptive and it doesn't have much action, it feels a bit empty.

Fix: You could fix this by adding more descriptive sections-- like describing what the Clockwork is. You can also fix this by using descriptive verbs. For example, you could add, "The Clockwork seemed to glare down at them condescendingly." or something of the sort to give some spice.

Issue 2:The first sentence is a run-on.

Fix 2:You could change it by adding a subordinating conjunction at the beginning so that it is, "As 11:58 changed into 11:59, two people . . ." If you don't like subordinating conjunctions, you could separate them into two sentences.

“I din’t kill nobody!” one of the people said.


Issue: This dialogue is forced. This means that your dialogue is too plain and doesn't describe how this person is feeling. Are they angry? Are they being sarcastic? Are they exasperated? You need to tell the reader what is happening-- with more detail.

Fix: To fix it, you can give some action, for example: "I didn't kill nobody!" one of the individuals standing there shouted, waving his arms theatrically. As you can see, this flows much better.

The other person said “C’mon now, you and I both know there's no getting out of the Clockwork.” The mighty Clockwork began to chime as the ring spread across the great town.


Issue: Improper punctuation. You are missing a comma.

Fix: To fix this, you place a comma in front of a quote. Whenever any character speaks through dialogue, there must always be a comma in front of the quote.

Issue 2: Improper technical line spacing.

Fix 2: Although this can sometimes be a writer's choice, you should always break the line after a quote. In this example, you have the descriptive sentence directly after the quote. This causes it to be hard to read and messy. To fix it, you can create a line break after the quote.

One person banged on the door and cried . . .

The other person went and sat in a corner of the room and said . . .

The other person replied desperately . . .


Issue: You are too vague and plain in your language that consists of "one person" and "the other person". There are many examples of this throughout the novel. I understand that you are attempting to be mysterious, but there is a line between mysterious and confusing. I think in this story, you've crossed over to the "confusing" side. First of all, I can't tell the difference between the two "people" except for the fact that one of them screams "I didn't kill anyone" or something every once in a while. Other than that, there is no clear differentiation between them. Second, you've decided to introduce their names later in the story. To the reader, those names have no meaning, so why did you decide to leave the reader in the dark for the entire first half? If you're going to introduce the names anyways, then at least introduce them early.

Fix: Fixing this is pretty self-explanatory. All you need to do is give the two characters their names earlier in the story.

Anyways, I think this is a really great story! Keep up the good work!

-y0shi




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Mon Jan 04, 2021 1:45 am
SpunkyKitty wrote a review...



Hi! Spunky here to review!

Grows:

“I din’t kill nobody!” one of the people said.

I'm not sure if this is a spelling error or just the accent of the person. Ignore me if it's an accent.

One guard waved his pistol motioning the two people to begin climbing the ladder, they complied.

This sentence doesn't flow correctly, and needs a comma after pistol. Maybe change it to something like "One guard waved his pistol, motioning the two people to begin climbing the ladder. They complied." Of course, you can edit it further.

“Well I’m Daneil Jones,and I ain't some murder I’ll tell you what.

a space is needed between the comma and the "and." Also, did you mean "Daniel"?

"mabey like me you should just accept your crimes as well as your execution.” Daneil said.

"mabey" should be "maybe." Even if it is for the character's accent, I think that crosses the line.

“Stealing and murder are both unforgivible!

"unforgivible" should be unforgivable.

Glows:

This is a pretty dark story. It's very interesting! The whole dialogue was super realistic, and I love how Daniel was so stubborn. Really well written story, it just needs a bit of polishing up.

Bye!






I'll make sure to fix some of those things. Thanks for the advice it's very helpful! Also the characters do indeed have an accent, however the "Mabey" was just me being bad at spelling so thanks for pointing it out!




"While we may come from different places and speak in different tongues, our hearts beat as one."
— Albus Dumbledore