the rain splatters down
churns the snow,
melting the crystals
and beating out the
the bricks ooze, slip,
with a slushy bog
of bland shaved ice.
in short, it’s disgusting out.
Hi there! Tee here for a review.This was super interesting to read and analyze because I don't think I've ever seen a poem in which snow and frosty weather have been associated with the feeling of disgust! This is an interesting thing to write about that's probably accurate for a lot more people than I realize.In terms of capitalization, I think you made the right decision in leaving everything lowercase. This almost makes the poem seem even more angry/disgusted in terms of tone; there's a sort of passive aggressiveness that accompanies the decision to avoid proper capitalization or other stylistic choices like this. Your punctuation doesn't seem to contain any errors, so I won't touch on anything there. I will say that I'm glad you used periods to signify the end of each thought.I like your use of imagery. I feel like, when it comes to weather and outdoorsy poems, the ability to convey images and depict certain pictures within the reader's mind is the most effective way of getting your message across, so kudos to you on this. I would have perhaps chosen another, more aggressive verb in the place of "splatters" -- maybe "plummets" or "plunges" -- just to really tie together the feeling of disgust and irritation.Great poem!!
Hiya, it's Mack dropping by with a quick review~!This is an interesting little poem that you've written here and I really enjoyed reading it. I liked the use of imagery that helped to describe what you're trying to convey to the audience. I'm not quite sure what you meant in the last like "in short, it's disgusting out." though it's mostly the word 'out' that confused me. Other than that, this was a really good short poem! ~Mack
Hello,This is a short but very descriptive poem! I like how the snow was described in a way that used a lot of imagery and metaphors. I think it is also written well by vividly describing what you see and concluding with the short and true statement at the end. This is pretty relatable because I also hate seeing all the slush outside...In short, great job with this poem!Keep Writing
Hey! Vagrant here to provide a short review.So the poem feels like something we all feel in general about rainfall in snow and I think you did a commendable job in expressing all that succinctly and clearly. I like the word choices, structure and tone of the poem. The intent and feelings of the speaker are also subtly evident.Overall, a good outlook from my end.Great work, keep up the swag! Cheers!
Hi! I'm Clairia, here to review.This was such a fun little idea! Like @dahlia58 said, slushy snow is pretty gross, haha. It can be difficult coming up with something original on a site full of work of all kinds, but I can assure you I've never seen something like this (idea-wise) before! Kudos to you for your creativity!Your piece is very well done. It's rendered beautifully, and the word-choice and flow is spot on.I'd like to make a couple notes, however, and I hope you'll take them into consideration!
in short, it’s disgusting out.
and churns the snow like butter, melting the crystalsand beating out the white.
and churns the snow like butter,
Eww...I hate slushy snow too. It's just gross, no other way to describe it. This poem is really short, so there's nothing much to edit. I'd suggest capitalizing the beginnings of the sentences, but if writing them like this is your aesthetic, then please ignore what I said. I could almost see the slushy snow oozing like...never mind. This poem is great^^
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