The Secret of Tayburn Zoo: 10

A/N: There's a bit about elephants painting here. This is the first mention of this since the first chapter in which it was mentioned that painting with their trunks was the elephants' act in the zoo. I realise that might be a bit far back to expect people to remember from xD

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For the rest of the next day, Patrick could not get the image of an elephant twirling her trunk at MacLean out of his head. It was so familiar, so much more familiar than he ever was with the larger animals who couldn't fit in the underground. He was just about to push open his room door, his hand already brushing the door handle, when the urge that had been building finally took him. He lifted his hand away and took a step back, then jogged off to the left in search of the ladder to the elephant enclosure.

Instead of a hut, which an elephant obviously would never fit into, this trap door opened into the floor of a small wooden building that was closer to a stable than anything else. There were places for the elephants to eat, and little fenced off areas where they could feel a little bit like they had their own rooms. Each one had a window they could nudge open with their tusks to let the sun in during summer, but with temperatures dropping steadily all had been tightly bolted shut.

Ignoring the slightly eerie whistling of the wind through gaps in the window frames, Patrick folded his arms tightly across his chest and padded quietly outside. The elephants were still wandering around near a little pond up the back of their enclosure. Beneath their tusks and trunks, it was almost impossible to tell from this distance if they were talking to each other, let alone from the air, so Patrick hadn't imposed any restrictions on conversation for the elephants.

As he approached, the wind brought him snatches of conversation about a "nice young woman", as well as the "look on Patrick's face". Patrick jogged up to them before he eavesdropped too much and called up to the nearest elephant.

"Hey, Keira!"

Keira's tail whipped around to the side as she tried to turn her head round to see him, nearly getting Patrick in the head.

"Sorry, Pat," she called over her shoulder. The other elephants backed out of her way so that she could step around in a tight circle to look properly down at him.

Patrick waved. "Evening, all."

"Why hello, Patrick," Keira said, giving him the same flourish of her trunk he'd seen her give MacLean the night before. His eyebrows shot up, his eyes went wide. Keira immediately began to chortle and look around at her friends. "Guys, that's the look! That's what I was talking about!"

The other elephants chuckled, but didn't say anything. Most looked to Keira to see what she would say next. Patrick sighed. All the species had group leaders who were his first point of contact - Treego for the frogs, Chip for the monkeys, although his easy-going kindness had never seemed particularly well-suited - but the dynamic was never quite as crystal clear as with the bigger animals. He wished more than anything he could have found a way to integrate them better, but the Skype signal just wasn't up to scratch out in the paddocks.

"So," Keira said, "What can we do for you, Patrick?"

Patrick suddenly felt rather small compared to the crowd of elephant eyes staring down at him. He tried to peer forward as if he was inspecting something about them; looking like he had angered a herd of elephants was not good from the air or for his confidence.

He put his hands in his pockets and scuffed the frosted dirt. "Nothing in particular. Was just, uh, wondering how the inspection went for you all yesterday?"

"Ah, I see." Keira's lips widened into a smile, which was wide enough that Patrick could see the tips of it peeping out from behind her trunk. "Jealous of Ms. MacLean, are you? Finally realised there might be someone out here worth talking to?"

Patrick froze. The elephants were glaring at him now, and their tusks were sharp.

"I, uh-"

"Relax, I'm just messing with ye," Keira said, waving her trunk in the air as if to dismiss his fear.

Patrick's shoulders slumped, a relieved sigh whistling out of him. He blushed as he saw the other elephants relax and start to chuckle, most of them wandering away as they did so. Eventually it was just him and Keira. He spotted an easel just behind her that he could pretend to work on. Not exactly normal for a zookeeper, but relative terms mattered in Tayburn Zoo.

"Well, you're not wrong," Patrick said, patting down some wrinkles in his shirt that the wind had caused. He strolled over to the easel and started fidgeting with some of the screws. "I did come up here because of MacLean. It's just, I was thinking... What sort of questions did she ask you? I assume you did talk to her, unlike everyone else who had to put up with Crothers."

Keira nodded, then went through the long process of stepping back around in a circle to face him. "We talked, yes. She told us she was nervous, we told her not to worry. So far you're doing brilliant at following her lead, now that I think about it."

Patrick started to chuckle, then hesitated, but he realised it must have been obvious that he'd started, so he followed through on it and tried to confidently follow it up. "I'm glad I can fill such big shoes. What I'm thinking about though is this: did she ask you about my progress in figuring out what happened to all of you? Crothers never has, but that didn’t really surprised me."

Keira tilted her head to the side, a gesture which an elephant's ears really were not built for. She glared at the inside of her own ear as it flopped over her eye and shook her head to flop it back off.

"I guess she didn't," Keira said. "She really was nervous though. Maybe she forgot."

Patrick shrugged. "I suppose… So, how is painting going? Is there anything you need?”

Keira’s eyes widened a little. “Um, it’s all fine, I think. Why, is there a problem?”

Patrick waved his hands frantically, accidentally whacking his knuckles against the easel. “No, no, nothing like that. I just… you always seem to have such a handle on this. I never get to hear how you’re getting on.”

"Oh," Keira said, smiling a little. "Well, we've been experimenting with surrealism, some palettes that overly emphasise some colours, Sadie went on a sci-fi tear for a bit. Actually-"

She was cut off by the beeping of Patrick's phone.

"Ah, sorry," Patrick said, hopping down off the ladder, which his knees immediately regretted.

Patrick gulped when he saw the name on his phone. It was Sue Haldane, Crothers' boss. What could Crothers have complained to her about anyway? He'd barely paid a scrap of attention the entire time he was there.

He accepted the call and warily raised the phone to his ear. "Hello, ma'am?"

"Hello, Patrick. I hope I've not caught you on your way to bed," she said. Her voice was deep and her words clipped.

"Not at all," Patrick said, "I was just... doing some maintenance. Can do something for you, ma'am?"

"Actually, it's something I need you to not do," she said. "Do not open the zoo to the public tomorrow morning. The recent bi-monthly inspection carried out by Freddy Crothers and Tracy MacLean highlighted some pressing issues that must be addressed."

Patrick's stomach tingled with butterflies. He swallowed, trying to get some saliva into his suddenly very dry mouth. "May I be told what the matter is?"

"It's about the panda. The one that speaks. Speaks, McAfferty. I will be in contact further tomorrow."

With that, she hung up. Patrick's hand went numb and he dropped his phone in the grass.

Comments & reviews · 4
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kaitlyn
Review
kaitlyn wrote a review · Thu Jul 09, 2020 7:14 am

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Aand I think we're a third of the way done. Maybe.

First Impression: Well looks like Crothers was paying actual attention. And pretty god ending although personally I would've kept people in suspense as to what the problem was but that's just me.

Anyway let's get to it,

There's a bit about elephants painting here. This is the first mention of this since the first chapter in which it was mentioned that painting with their trunks was the elephants' act in the zoo. I realise that might be a bit far back to expect people to remember from.


I totally remembered this detail. Definitely not lying. *looks around nervously*

Instead of a hut, which an elephant obviously would never fit into, this trap door opened into the floor of a small wooden building that was closer to a stable than anything else. There were places for the elephants to eat, and little fenced off areas where they could feel a little bit like they had their own rooms. Each one had a window they could nudge open with their tusks to let the sun in during summer, but with temperatures dropping steadily all had been tightly bolted shut.


Well nice little description there. You've put in a lot of work to the worldbuilding behind this zoo from what I've read so far. And it has all been really good.

"Why hello, Patrick," Keira said, giving him the same flourish of her trunk he'd seen her give MacLean the night before. His eyebrows shot up, his eyes went wide. Keira immediately began to chortle and look around at her friends. "Guys, that's the look! That's what I was talking about!"


This is a lovely bit of humor as always.

He wished more than anything he could have found a way to integrate them better, but the Skype signal just wasn't up to scratch out in the paddocks.


The Internet bill in this zoo would be ridiculously high.

Keira nodded, then went through the long process of stepping back around in a circle to face him. "We talked, yes. She told us she was nervous, we told her not to worry. So far you're doing brilliant at following her lead, now that I think about it."


He should probably be in front of the elephant instead of making the poor creature turn every time.

"Actually, it's something I need you to not do," she said. "Do not open the zoo to the public tomorrow morning. The recent bi-monthly inspection carried out by Freddy Crothers and Tracy MacLean highlighted some pressing issues that must be addressed."


Does she have to mention the names? It doesn't seem like she needs to do that.

"It's about the panda. The one that speaks. Speaks, McAfferty. I will be in contact further tomorrow."

With that, she hung up. Patrick's hand went numb and he dropped his phone in the grass.


Very surprising ending.

And that's it.

Overall: And we get some conflict all of a sudden. Let's see if this aligns somewhat with the story or is it going to be Episode 3.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Lib
Comment

Okay so um.

WHAT???

MacLean knows that the animals can talk. Crothers doesn't. MacLean musta betrayed poor ol' Pat. Or Crothers has known all along and snitched. Or... I can't think of anything else.

Also, I'd expect a more confused reaction from Haldane. Talking animals... if I was in her shoes, I'd chuck whoever told me this into an asylum or something. >~> Unless of course people here are used to animals talking.

Hmm... I'm unsure how this didn't come across, because Crothers, McLean and Haldane all work for the company, Neuromax, that Patrick used to work for. It was when he was working for Neuromax that he accidentally caused all the animals to talk, and they sent him away to figure out why using a zoo as a cover. So when they come around for an inspection, they all know that the animals can talk, but Crothers is extremely awkward about the whole thing, so they try not to arouse his anger by talking to him.

Will try and make that clearer in redrafts :)

OHH. Oh okay. I knew that Crothers, MacLean, and Haldane all worked for Neuromax and that Pat used to work for them. The rest of everything makes more sense now! Thank you. ^^"

ah okay, cool cool :)

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Dossereana
Review

Hi @BiscuitsLeGuin I am here to do a review on your work, as I said I was going to sorry that I did not review it early ear.

Plot
okay I feel like this chapter should have been the second one or the fourth in stead of the tenth one, its just the the elephants that you just suddenly bout into it, that is not really flowing with the last chapter I feel, I do love how this carry's on then you end it at such a cliff hanger, I loved the ending and I am really looking for ward to the next chapter.

What I like about this chapter

As he approached, the wind brought him snatches of conversation about a "nice young woman", as well as the "look on Patrick's face".


well this sounds like a destration, or something, but I do say that this line here is funny to read, you have some grate lines in this chapter.

What Think needs work in this chapter

For the rest of the next day, Patrick could not get the image of an elephant twirling her trunk at MacLean out of his head.


Okay so I feel like your skipping parts in the story, I also feel like this chapter started in quite a weird way, I mean I did not here anything at least I think about the elephant in the other chapter, I no you said that it is really late in the story to be menchaning it again, but I am shore if you worked hard the last chapter and on this one I am shore that you could make it sound much better.

He lifted his hand away and took a step back, then jogged off to the left in search of the ladder to the elephant enclosure.


I did not no about the elephant enclosure at least I think.

"Why hello, Patrick," Keira said, giving him the same flourish of her trunk he'd seen her give MacLean the night before.


okay then I am really confosed with this, is Keira an elephant that can talk to people or is Keira a human, or can Patrick understand them, I feel like I am missing a lot here, I am not shore how they or talking to each other and I no what the elephant is saying.

So That Is All That I Can Say About This Chapter, if I came across as being to hard on you I am so sorry pleas for give me, So keep up the grate work here.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill

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Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review · Wed Jan 30, 2019 4:13 am

Bisc!

Oops, guess I didn't get to this last night afterall. :3 I'm here now though! And super excited to see what you've got for me next! <3

There were places for the elephants to eat, and little fenced off areas where they could feel a little bit like they had their own rooms.


At this point I probably have a reputation as being THAT reviewer xD But I am a big proponent of not repeating words in close proximity to one another -- and here you have the word "little" used twice. I'd recommend trying to rephrase it so that you can remove one of them (you could probably just delete the second occurrence and things would still read well -- but that's up to you, obviously ^^ )

He tried to peer forward as if he was inspecting something about them; looking like he had angered a herd of elephants was not good from the air or for his confidence.


To be honest, I'm not 100% sure what you mean in this sentence -- especially after the semicolon. I suspect it probably has to do with the British English vs American English expressions and colloquialisms, but I honestly have no idea what the last bit is supposed to mean. So I thought I'd point that out in case you wanted to take another look at it ^^

Patrick froze. The elephants were glaring at him now, and their tusks were sharp.


Okay, so, obviously you know your characters better than I do. But this felt kind of... out of character? for the rest of the tone of the novel? And even within this chapter, the elephants seem to be a fairly cheery lot -- and it sounded like she was teasing him. But he seems like... legitimately scared for his safety? And that just struck me as odd.

Like I know he doesn't have the rapport with the big animals as he does with the others -- but I've gotten no vibes at all that he's scared of any of his animals even a little, at all, the entire novel. And now here he's acting like he's going to get mauled or something because the elephants joked with him?? Even though he regularly jokes with the other animals?? idk it just struck me as odd

So far you're doing brilliant at following her lead, now that I think about it


Ahah, aw <333

I never get to hear how you’re getting on.


See, here's another place where the characterization feels... weird? in this chapter. Because this sounds like old friends catching up -- not him being guilty for not coming frequently, and not her annoyed with him for it. We're getting back into normal TZ feels, but it feels tense since the mood was off earlier in the chapter.

~ ~ ~

Okay!

WOW that's a cliffhanger, huh? So much drama!! I love it ;) And I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter to see what's going to happen!

Overall thoughts...

I do think characterization could be improved in this chapter. I feel bad for bugging you for a chapter and then complaining about it xD I /did/ like this chapter. It /was/ good. But the characterization felt off and could use a bit more consistency here. Like, either work on building up the tension with the elephants earlier on in the novel -- or not have him have such a dramatic reaction to them.

I mean, I get they're big, and maybe you could play in a phobia of his of large animals or something?? But I mean pandas aren't small -- and he plays with dangerous animals otherwise and isn't scared of them. So I'm just perplexed by these relationships.

I am also perplexed about the relationship between Tayburn Zoo and Neuromax. Like, I think I mentioned in the last review, but I have an absolutely terrible memory and forget details quickly -- but like, I thought he was here kind of as an exile because he made talking animals and Neuromax found out and now his punishment is trying to figure out how to fix them, right??

So if Neuromax already knows that the animals talk... why was he so concerned about Crothers finding out?? And if they don't know and it is super bad if Neuromax finds out (as Sue's snippy tone is suggesting here), then why in the world did the animals trust Tracy with that information the first time they met her??

I mean I get she's sweet and charming and all that. But it's a massively important thing to keep secret, apparently, so why would they trust a newcomer just because she's sweet?? And... idk? I guess I'm just confused about all of these components coming together at this point in the story and you might want to work on ironing out some of those kinks in later drafts if you decide to go back and edit this??

But!

I still really liked this chapter and I am absolutely loving your novel <3333 I super don't want to be discouraging in this review. I am eating up every new chapter you give me with the same eagerness that I had when I first jumped into your story, and I am delighted each and every time you drop me a new link. Like... happy enough that being allowed to read and review this was my reward to myself for doing my homework earlier xD

You are a super talented author and asdfdga I love Patrick and Lexi and Chip and ALL of them more than I could possibly express. This is such an adorably awesome novel idea and I'm ALL ABOUT IT.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

Ima reply properly to this later because omg you are so sweet, but it%u2019s not that neuromax don%u2019t know that any of the animals talk, just Aurora. The fact that the new animal talks means that their assumption of Patrick causing it must be wrong. Patrick doesn%u2019t want them to know that he%u2019s completely lost, but Aurora accidentally let slip to Tracy by looking so furiously at Carothers. (The others weren%u2019t actually hiding it from Crothers, he just never acknowledges them so they don%u2019t bother talking). Now it would seem that Tracy, who seemed cool, has betrayed them, and in my mind what Patrick fears is the zoo being taken away from him because he%u2019s clearly no closer to understanding what%u2019s going on.

Does any of that make sense and which bits have I suuuper not made clear?

Also lol love the new name xD think this might be the first time you%u2019ve changed your name in as long as I%u2019ve known you?

Ohhh I see, yes, that explanation makes a lot of sense! Thanks for clarifying ^^

And thanks haha. It is! It is the first time I have ever switched usernames ;) It was meant as an inside joke (that I can explain at some point but not worth it here lol) and also just to make the paranoia of the unclassified movement skyrocket because they are certain that ShadyBeard is part of #classified hahaha

Ono *has no idea what is going on because they%u2019ve been busy with uni*

Haha no shame in that ;) both are entirely juvenile things but hysterical ;) and I%u2019m a juvenile person so here we are hahaha



Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist.
— Pablo Picasso