Chapter Two (The Mate Between Brothers)

by deleted1967

Oakley was woken up the next morning by the sound of busy traffic outside her window, impatient business men and women honking their horns at drivers in front of them. Stretching out her arms, she slowly slid her legs out from under the covers and sat up at the edge of her bed. Her brown hair stuck to her neck, falling out of it's messy bun at the top of her head. Her eyes felt as if they had been glued shut, that every opening of her eyelids was a workout rather than effortlessly blinking.

She stumbled down the hallway, following the rich scent of fresh coffee, when she found her aunt sitting at their kitchen table, newspaper in hand.

"Good morning, Oakley!" Her face brightened a little, but her expression looked a little off. As if she was attending her best friend's wedding, though the groom was her ex fiance. "How was your sleep?"

Oakley yawned, "It was good." If she were to mention the fact that she'd tossed and turned in her bed all night thinking about Ben, she would definitely upset her. Especially since today marked the third year anniversary of the accident...

"What are you reading?" Oakley said, gesturing to the newspaper. She reached up into the cupboard to grab a plastic cup, "I don't think I've ever seen you read those things. Into sports now, are you?"

"No," Aunt Laura chuckled humorlessly, "I'm looking at the job openings. Have you ever been to the Cockpit? They need a waitress."

Oakley muttered, "I'm pretty sure the Cockpit is a sleazy bar downtown, Laura. Why are you looking for a job, anyways? I thought Anna got everything sorted out at the library..?" She grabbed new jug of milk from the fridge. She pulled off the ring around the cap, opening the garbage to throw it away when she noticed three recyclable coffee cups in the garbage. She looked up to see another one on the table in Laura's hand.

"Yes, Anna and I figured everything out. But, it's actually Colin this time," her voice stuttered, "I, um, got fired from the bakery."

"What?!" Oakley almost spilled her milk. She turned to stare at her aunt, "You got fired from the bakery? Why? When? How?"

It was then that she noticed the dark circles around Laura's eyes, the pink puffiness of her nose and the pale tone of her face. "Last night. Colin said that he needed someone that could always be on their feet, and he noticed that around... this time of year... I tend to get a little sloppy. But, 'cakes can't be sloppy, Laura.'" She shrugged.

"But that's terrible!" She sat down with the woman, reaching out to hold her hand. "They can't do that! You have a right to be a little sloppy! You're still..." mourning the death of your child, she wanted to say. "having a bit of troubles getting the hang of things. Colin can't just fire you."

"It doesn't matter, Oakley." She sounded depleted, like a child that just got told the ice cream store is closed, "I'm looking for a new job. One that will be better, hopefully."

She gave a sympathetic smile, "It will be better, a lot better. But, why don't you just take a break for a little while? I can get a job somewhere close. I know the Beef Buffet is always hiring. I could ask Leanne if she needs any help with the kids at the day home. Just take a break."

"No," Laura replied without hesitation, "No, Oakley. I couldn't let you do that. I still have to go to the library. I still have to work. It takes time to get a job, Hun. Maybe I'll go ask the Beef Buffet if they want to hire me."

"Fine," Oakley sighed, standing from her seat, "But I'm still going to ask Leanne about the day care. I can help out too y'know. I'm sixteen."

"Yeah, and you won't let me forget it." Laura laughed, "Aren't you supposed to go somewhere with Maxine today?"

"Oh shoot!" Oakley yelped, dashing to her bedroom. She fell onto her sheets, grabbing her phone and unplugging it from the charger wall.

How was it 1:30 already?

Her phone was clogged with messages from her best friend. "Where are you?" "Are you coming?" "You were supposed to pick me up a half hour ago." "Are you sleeping?" "Oakley, I swear to God if you're sleeping." "WAKE UP CHILD." "WHERE ARE YOU."

She quickly wrote a message back to let her know she'd be at her house in a half hour. She ran to the bathroom, soaping her hair in the sink and running leave-in conditioner through it with her fingers. She wrapped a towel around her head, speeding to her closet. She was rummaging through her clothes, trying to find something decent to wear.

In the end, she picked out a pair of high wasted jean shorts with galaxy print leggings, a Twenty One Pilots tank top that she bought from her last trip to Hot Topic, and a loose unbuttoned black cardigan. She wasn't a fashionista, but it was comfortable enough. Her hair was down over her shoulders, still a bit damp from her hair dryer. Her lashes were coated with mascara, and her lips were glossed with cinnamon lipstick.

She sighed into her mirror. She wondered that if she knew how to put on make up like Max that maybe she'd be prettier. She knew that she could pull off cute, and her aunt always called her beautiful, but her aunt had been her adoptive mother ever since she was born, she couldn't help it.

Stepping back into the kitchen, she found Laura still sitting at the table, though she had traded out the newspaper for a puzzle book. Oakley hugged her goodbye, "Is Grandma awake yet?"

"I'm not sure. Though it might be a bad idea to go and check. In case she's reading." Laura gave her a cautious look.

Her Grandmother seemed to believe that reading was some sort of ancient ritual. For it to be interrupted would be for hell to come down and smite you, I mean if hell were actually just an old lady with a threatening stink eye.

"Well," Oakley laughed, "I'll just leave her alone then. I'll see you later? Oh, what time do you have to go to the library today?"

"Oh, I have today off, thankfully. When you get back do you want to order some Chinese food? We could stay in and watch horror movies," Laura replied with a raise of her eyebrows. Even though the rings around her eyes showed how sleep deprived she was, and that she probably wouldn't make it through movie night, Oakley shrugged, "Sure. Sounds like a plan."

It only took a minute for her to pull on her high tops, grab her keys, and shuffle out the door. She wondered how much lecturing she would get from Max about being late. Oh, the joys of Max.

~ ~ ~

Hey reviewers! Author here! I know that this chapter is a little vague. I'm looking for reviews particularly on grammar and making sentences smoother. Hope you can help me out!

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Fri Aug 18, 2017 2:22 am

Carlito wrote a review...

Hello hello! I plucked this out of the green room because I love dramatic/realistic stuff! I also saw your note at the end before I started reading, and I will do my best to oblige and not repeat too much of what the reviewer below me has pointed out

Oakley was woken up the next morning by the sound of busy traffic outside her window, impatient business men and women honking their horns at drivers in front of them.

This is one of my favorite articles for cleaning up prose. I've used this so much on novels and have cut out thousands of unnecessary words. Here, you don't need "the sound", because simply describing the sound and knowing that it woke her up will let the reader know it's a sound. "busy traffic" and then describing said busy traffic is redundant and the description of the sound is better. So, you could condense this sentence all the way down to "Oakley was woken up the next morning by impatient business men and women honking their horns at the drivers in front of them". Same idea, but more concise

Her eyes felt as if they had been glued shut, that every opening of her eyelids was a workout rather than effortlessly blinking.

Try to do this sentence without "felt". This is also mentioned in the article I linked above. It's stronger to simply describe what she's feeling rather than to say she feels something and then describe what she's feeling. (And it's hard! This is something I'm constantly having to edit in my own writing!)

Her face brightened a little, but her expression looked a little off. As if she was attending her best friend's wedding, though the groom was her ex fiance.

The second sentence is a fragment. I think it could be fixed one of two ways - "Almost as if she..." OR combining it with the sentence before it - "...looked a little off as if she was". If you went with the second option, the sentence would become a little long and convoluted and you might want to trim it down. "though the groom was her ex fiance" is confusing to me, and this might be something to cut out or condense or rework.

she would definitely upset her.

Something to be careful of when you have two people of the same gender speaking - being very clear with pronouns. "Her" is ambiguous, it could refer to Oakley or the aunt. I'm 99% sure you're referring to the aunt, and really all you have to is say "her aunt" instead of just "her" to make it crystal clear

Especially since today marked the third year anniversary of the accident...

Ellipses are a pet peeve of mine in novels. I actually rarely (maybe never) see them in published novels. I don't think they're necessary and I think you get the wanted drama with a normal sentence.

She reached up into the cupboard to grab a plastic cup, "I don't think I've

Dialogue grammar rules always trip me up! I'm 98% sure you need a period instead of a comma after "cup".

I thought Anna got everything sorted out at the library..?"

Which is it going to be? Period? Ellipses? Question? Pick one (but probably not the ellipses :p)

She grabbed new jug of milk from the fridge.

I think I would start a new paragraph here because you've gone from dialogue to action that has nothing to do with the dialogue. It also wouldn't hurt to specify "Oakley" to start the paragraph rather than "she" to make it crystal clear who is performing this action.

She turned to stare at her aunt, "You got fired

Same as before, period instead of a comma.

It was then that she noticed the dark circles around Laura's eyes, the pink puffiness of her nose and the pale tone of her face.

"noticing" falls into the same category has hearing and feeling like I mentioned above with that article.

"Last night. Colin said that he needed someone that could always be on their feet, and he noticed that around... this time of year... I tend to get a little sloppy. But, 'cakes can't be sloppy, Laura.'" She shrugged.

The only time I think ellipses work in prose is in dialogue to show natural long breaks. So even though I've been anti ellipse until now, the ones here in the dialogue work for me just fine!

She sat down with the woman,

You can get way more specific here. This isn't just a woman, it's her aunt. "Oakley sat down with her aunt..."

"having a bit of troubles

"Having" is a new sentence and should be capitalized.

a child that just got told the ice cream store is closed, "I'm looking for a new job.

Period instead of a comma. You have a full sentence before you go into the dialogue.

She gave a sympathetic smile, "It will be better, a lot better.

Specify the "she". Period instead of a comma here, too. One rule I read somewhere in terms of action with dialogue and when to use a period or a comma that has helped me is - if the action can be performed while the dialogue is being said (shaking your head, drumming fingers, pacing, etc.) then there can be a comma. If the action cannot be performed while the dialogue is being said (smiling, breathing, swallowing, etc.) then there should be a period because that action has to end before the dialogue can happen.

"Fine," Oakley sighed, standing from her seat, "But I'm still going

Refer to explanation above

"Fine." Oakley stood from her seat and sighed. "But I'm still going..."

She quickly wrote a message back to let her know

Specify the "her".

soaping her hair in the sink and running leave-in conditioner through it with her fingers.

Does she rinse her hair after the soaping?

still a bit damp from her hair dryer.

When did she use a hair dryer? The only thing mentioned is that she towel dries her hair.

She wondered that if she knew how to

"She wondered that" isn't necessary because you're going to tell us what she wonders and we don't need to know that she's wondering first

"Well," Oakley laughed, "I'll just leave her alone then.

Periods instead of commas (see note above)

Overall, I think your writing is pretty good. You get the point across and really nothing I pointed out was would take away from the meaning or the idea of the story. It's all nit-picky stuff that will make your writing more mature! Since you said you're only looking for sentence level stuff I won't comment on any big picture things, but if you would like any big picture thoughts I would happy to go back and do that for you as well!

Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing, and let me know if there is something I didn't mention that you would like feedback on!

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Sun Aug 06, 2017 9:02 am

Panikos wrote a review...

Hello again! I thought I'd pop in for another review.

This chapter shows a lot of your strengths - the dialogue is strong, and you capture the normality of Oakley's life in a way that is vivid and believable. Not a great deal happens, but I was still drawn in. That's a real skill. Few writers know how to write engagingly about the simple things.

I'll use the same reviewing method as last time, starting with nitpicks and closing with overall points. Something tells me there'll be less to say in this critique; the quality of the writing is better in this chapter than the previous one.

Nitpicks

falling out of it's messy bun at the top of her head.

You mean 'its'. You only use an apostrophe when it's a contraction of 'it is'.

Her eyes felt as if they had been glued shut, that every opening of her eyelids was a workout ~~rather than effortlessly blinking~~.

Don't need that last bit. It labours the point a bit.

She stumbled down the hallway, following the rich scent of fresh coffee, when she found her aunt sitting at their kitchen table, newspaper in hand.

Is 'when' the right word? 'She stumbled down the hallway, when she found her aunt sitting at their kitchen table'. It sounds funny, like she actually decided to stumble down the hallway after finding her aunt. Perhaps:

She was stumbling down the hallway, following the rich scent of fresh coffee, when she found her aunt sitting at their kitchen table, newspaper in hand.

Or:

She stumbled down the hallway, following the rich scent of fresh coffee, where she found her aunt sitting at their kitchen table, newspaper in hand.

"Good morning, Oakley!" Her face brightened a little, but her expression looked a little off. As if she was attending her best friend's wedding, though the groom was her ex fiance. "How was your sleep?"

This is very random? I get what you're going for, but the comparison feels so disconnected from everything that I had to stop and reread. Part of it might be the phrasing - I don't think the line foregrounds the actual source of the imagined awkwardness enough. If you said something like 'As if she was watching her best friend marry an old flame she'd never quite got over' it would just clarify that sense of smiling through discomfort a bit more. Obviously that's just an example and you don't have to use it, but my point is that you need to make the simile feel more relevant.

Oakley muttered, "I'm pretty sure the Cockpit is a sleazy bar downtown, Laura. Why are you looking for a job, anyways? I thought Anna got everything sorted out at the library..?" She grabbed new jug of milk from the fridge. She pulled off the ring around the cap, opening the garbage to throw it away when she noticed three recyclable coffee cups in the garbage. She looked up to see another one on the table in Laura's hand.

This is a really nice paragraph, really subtle. You weave important implications into the narrative so deftly here.

"Yes, Anna and I figured everything out. But, it's actually Colin this time,"

I'd get rid of the comma after 'but'. It feels like there's an unnatural pause in the dialogue.

She sounded depleted, like a child that just got told the ice cream store is closed,

It's a bit of a feeble comparison considering that she's in mourning for her (suspected) dead kid, quite clichéd too. I'd suggest changing it, but it's your call. In any case, there's a tiny tense slippage - it should be 'was' rather than 'is'.

Her phone was clogged with messages from her best friend. "Where are you?" "Are you coming?" "You were supposed to pick me up a half hour ago." "Are you sleeping?" "Oakley, I swear to God if you're sleeping." "WAKE UP CHILD." "WHERE ARE YOU."

Loved this; it made me smile.

She was rummaging through her clothes, trying to find something decent to wear.

The use of the past progressive is out of place here; it feels like you're about to follow it up with a 'when' clause, but you don't. The past simple would work better, i.e. 'she rummaged through her clothes, trying to find something decent to wear'.

but her aunt had been her adoptive mother ever since she was born, she couldn't help it.

Comma splice. Change the comma to either a semi-colon or a full stop.

For it to be interrupted would be for hell to come down and smite you, ~~I mean~~ if hell were actually just an old lady with a threatening stink eye.

It's a funny line, but scrap the 'I mean'. Having the first person suddenly bob up in a third-person narrative is weird.

Also, would hell really come down? It's generally believed to be underneath us. And it tends to be God that does the smiting, I think.

Overall Thoughts

1) It's a well-written chapter, the middle section being particularly strong. It's easily the most subtle writing I've seen from you yet. However, I don't think enough happens. Just like chapter one, it's only a single scene. I feel like you could quite easily put the previous chapter and this one together, possibly with whatever you've got planned next, to create something more substantial. Having chapter after chapter of small scenes can give the illusion that the story is taking too long to get going.

2) Your description is a bit on the plain side. Don't get me wrong, there's something very refreshing and readable about your prose, but I don't feel wholly immersed by it. Perhaps try to integrate more sensory description, touch and taste and smell, and linger a little more on specific details in the environment. I am being incredibly picky here, but that's because I can tell how good you are.

I'll leave the review here. I'm still quite in the dark about the plot and I haven't formulated strong opinions about any of the characters yet, but I'm sure I will have a better idea about them soon. I'll be looking out for the next instalments. I hope this review helped!

Keep writing!

~Pan

deleted1967 says...

Thank you! I've been editing as I go over, and I think all your notes are well explained. I'm glad that the paragraph about the coffee cups was to your liking, and I'm happy that those messages made you smile, haha. Thank you so much for your time!!!

Young Writers Society

Chapter Two (The Mate Between Brothers)

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