z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter Three (The Mate Between Brothers)

by deleted1967


Oakley honked the car horn for the third time. She was parked outside of her best friend Max's house. Her and Max were supposed to go out for what would have been brunch if not for Oakley having slept in.

The house was a long pale blue trailer with black shingles. It had a window on the front that stared into the TV room, which usually displayed The Walking Dead or Grey's Anatomy or some other popular show Max liked to watch.

Max was running down the driveway, fumbling to hang her purse strap over her shoulder. She was wearing a knee length unicorn print skirt and a pink V-neck that had a cupcake on it with the words "Bad Bitch" as sprinkles. It reminded Oakley of Melanie Martinez's style. Her hair was dark, reaching just below her jawline.

Max hopped into the car, flattening her skirt as she sat, "You're SO late. I'm not even sorry I took a little long to get out the door."

"Good morning to you, too." She replied as she put the car in gear and began driving down the street.

"Actually," Maxine protested, "it's 'good afternoon'. I can't believe you slept that long. I mean, what time did you even get to bed?"

"Around twelve, I think." The nightmare of the crash flowed back into her mind. She pushed the thought away. "You still want to go to Gram's?" Oakley asked.

She was referring to a small cafe called "Gram's Tea House" which served different kinds of pastries, sandwiches and other lunch items. It was a cute little place if you wanted to quickly pick up a snack on the run. Though, the two girls acted like it was any other restaurant, not just a small tea house.

"Definitely. I love the iced tea they have there. So refreshing." Maxine replied.

Oakley shook her head, "It's lemonade, Max. Not iced tea."

"Right, right," she rolled her eyes, "Tomato tamato, potato patato. Just focus on driving."

* * *

Gram's wasn't very busy, as usual. There was only one other person in the cafe, but he was typing away on his laptop. He probably hadn't noticed they walked in.

"I mean, does she really think that she wouldn't get caught? It was a fifty. A fifty dollar bill. If Mom found out that Jaelynn had her girly little fingers in Mom's purse reaching for a fifty, she would freak out. Like, FREAK." Max whined. She crossed her arms over her chest and fell back against her seat, but it only took a second for her to come back to the table. "I can't believe she did that. A five or a ten, she could probably get away with. But a fifty? I wouldn't even try to take a twenty. That kid is messed up, Oakley. Messed up."

A waitress came by with our drinks, handing them out from a tray. "Here are your two lemonades. Do you need any more time looking at the menu?"

"I mean, that chick is crazy. Ker. Ay. Zee." Max ignored the waitress, continuing to talk, "I mean really. I can't believe she's my sister." Oakley gave a sympathetic smile to the girl standing awkwardly at the table, as if to say we just need a little more time.

"Jaelynn is really that bad?" Oakley took a sip of her drink. The mix of lemon and cucumber tickled her taste buds.

"YES." She sighed, ran a hand of fingers through her hair, then leaned against the table, "Did you know she's dating? She. Jaelynn. Dating. She's like, thirteen, and knows absolutely nothing about anything. At all. And she's dating. Dating."

Max used her mouth when she talked, Oakley thought, like everything was very intense, even if it was just to say "I don't like potatoes" or something simple. Her eyes and eyebrows moved a lot too. She just seemed to use her face much more than a regular person when she talked. She was very... enthusiastic.

"His name's Braedyn. With an E where the Y should be, and the Y where the E should be. Like, what is going on with this planet? And she wants to go to a party with him. Tonight. And of course, Mom says yes because she wants her to get 'out there,' and 'have fun,' and 'be social.' But it's with Braedyn. She's going with him. Who knows what they'll be doing?" Her hands were gesturing all over the place. That was one thing Oakley knew about Max. Never stand right beside her when she was talking, or be prepared to get hit.

"She's thirteen, right?"

"Well, yeah. But she wears lipstick and foundation and all these yucky things that she doesn't have to wear."

"Max, don't you wear all those things?"

"Yes, but I'm sixteen. She's thirteen. That's a lot of distance."

Oakley smiled and shook her head, "You shouldn't have anything to worry about. I think that thirteen-year-olds just want to hold hands and call themselves girlfriend and boyfriend. I don't think they'd be doing anything you should be worried about."

Max rolled her eyes, "Yeah, she's thirteen, but she's my sister. I'll probably just end up worrying about her all night."

The waitress came back to our table, with a large tight smile on her face, "Ready to order?"

"Yes," Oakley said before Max could continue rambling, "I'd like the taco soup, please."

Max fluttered her eyelashes at the waitress, "And I'd like the chocolate cake."

"Please," Oakley added. She was sure that if she didn't, the waitress would spit in their food.

"Right," Max smiled, "Please." But she dropped the smile when the girl walked away, "What am I going to do?"

"Well," Oakley suggested clinically, "you could come over to my house. Judge me silently as I read the sixth book of my series. Watch me draw, and erase. And redraw. And erase. And —"

Max interrupted, "Though that all sounds very tempting, I have another idea in mind." She grinned, "What if you and I went to Howler's tonight?"

Howler's was a club that apparently was the best place to find fun, according to Max. However, Max and Oakley's definitions of fun weren't exactly alike.

"Howler's?" Oakley asked.

"Yeah! Everyone is talking about going tonight, and everyone is going to be there. And we should be there, too."

"Howler's isn't exactly my place, Max."

"I know, Oakley. I know, Oaks. But we girls gotta stick together. And this'll be fun. Don't you want to have fun?"

"Max..."

"I know, I know. But everyone will be there. And if you don't go then I don't go, and I really want to go." She whined.

Oakley opened her mouth to speak when a voice interrupted her, "Howler's, eh?"

She looked up to see a boy in an apron leaning against Max's seat. He was smiling, showing off white teeth. His hair was a shiny white, and Oakley was more than sure that she had never seen him before. His name tag read "Silven."

"Yeah," Max spat, "What do you know about it?"

"Not a whole lot," he replied, "I've been there a couple times. It just, it tends to get a little rough sometimes. I don't know if it's your kind of place."

"Oh yeah? And what is our kind of place?" Max growled.

Before he could reply, Oakley said, "Your name tag."

"What?" He asked.

"It says Silven. Is that a last name?"

He chuckled, "No. Just my name."

"That's a pretty cool name," Max said in a child-like voice, suddenly interested.

"Uh yeah," he replied, taking a seat beside Max. Oakley saw his eyes flick to the crack of her friend's V-neck for less than a second, and she suddenly felt conscious of how covered she was.

"But, I still don't think Howler's is your type of hangout. You might just be better at home working on the art of yours." He blinked, his eyes on Oakley. She had never told him she was an artist.

She was about to respond when she noticed a familiar dark figure at the window. He was wearing dark jeans despite the heat and a dark hoodie. His hair was dark as night, and he seemed so out of place, a burnt marshmallow next to all the untouched ones.

Silven turned around to see where she was staring, and cursed under his breath so quietly that Oakley almost didn't hear him. He smiled at the girls, excused himself, and got up to leave. He went straight to the door, turning around the corner and out of sight. The man went with him.

"That was weird. That dude, he looked so sketchy. Kinda hot, though." Max babbled.

The man, he was so familiar. Oakley didn't seem to remember him from anywhere, but then she realized. She had seen him before. He'd been staring at her at a convenience store not far from her apartment a few days before. She had completely forgotten about it; she just thought that he had mistaken her for someone else.

But, Silven knows him, she thought, and he knew about my art. Something's not right...


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118 Reviews


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Fri Aug 11, 2017 5:19 pm
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hello, BaileyMatwiww! PastelSlushie here for a review. Let's get right into it! I also haven't read any of the previous chapters, so my apologies if any of the points I make are wrong.

NITPICKS (I will provide 5, do what you want with them)

1) Her and Max were supposed to go out for what would have been brunch if not for Oakley having slept in.
^ Change the beginning word to she.

2) Oakley gave a sympathetic smile to the girl standing awkwardly at the table, as if to say we just need a little more time.
^ Remove the comma in this sentence.

3) Howler's was a club that apparently was the best place to find fun, according to Max.
^ Since it isn't a possessive noun, remove the apostrophe out of Howler's.

4) "But, I still don't think Howler's is your type of hangout.
^ Again, remove the apostrophe in Howler's. And I'm not sure for this one, but I think there should be a space between hangout.

5) Silven turned around to see where she was staring, and cursed under his breath so quietly that Oakley almost didn't hear him.
^ Remove the comma in this sentence.

OVERALL OPINION
I really enjoy Max and Oakley as characters. They have funny and relatable personalities and really come to life in the story. However, I feel you work too much on their personalities and of the rest of the story. While it is a necessity to work on personalities, working on it too much can make the rest of the story lack.

One prime example of that is the heavy amount of quotation as the story goes on. While quotation is good in a story, too much can be bad. I'd suggest working more on the setting and detail and maybe lessening the quotation a bit.

While I did like this chapter, I feel this is a little too short than the normal chapter. While I haven't read the previous two chapters, I feel you could combine the first and second chapter and maybe combine this and the fourth chapter? At the moment, the length of this chapter reminds me of a novella instead of a chapter book.

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review.

Pastel




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Wed Aug 09, 2017 11:47 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, BaileyMatwiiw. Back again.

You know the drill by now. Nitpicks first, overall thoughts after. I will preface this by saying that this chapter is of similar quality to the previous one except with even more intrigue, which is great.

Nitpicks

It reminded Oakley of Melanie Martinez's style. Her hair was dark, reaching just below her jawline.


There's nothing particularly wrong with the description, but I'd like you to segway into it more naturally. Given how you've grounded the narrative in Oakley's perspective, it feels a little odd for her to draw attention to a detail of Max's appearance that she is completely used to. It seems strange that she would pay particular attention to her hair if it looks like it always does. It'd be like me consciously noticing that my sister had brown eyes even though I've known that my entire life.

You could fix this by giving Oakey more of a reason to notice Max's hair. Maybe the breeze blows it into her face, or maybe it's styled in a way that she doesn't normally wear it. Try to disguise the description a bit. It's a horrendously picky point, I know, but that's only because the chapter is good.

Max hopped into the car, flattening her skirt as she sat, "You're SO late. I'm not even sorry I took a little long to get out the door."


Full stop rather than comma after 'sat'. I also think 'sat down' would sound better than 'sat' on its own, but that's your call.

"Good morning to you, too." She replied as she put the car in gear and began driving down the street.


The full stop after 'too' should be a comma and 'she' shouldn't be capitalised.

Though, the two girls acted like it was any other restaurant, not just a small tea house.


Delete the comma after 'though'.

"...If Mom found out that Jaelynn had her girly little fingers in Mom's purse reaching for a fifty, she would freak out..."


I'd change 'Mom's' to 'her'. I get you might have been worried about confusion over whether 'her' referred to the mother of Jaelynn, but we can work it out from the context. The repetition of 'Mom' feels a bit strange.

"I mean, that chick is crazy. Ker. Ay. Zee." Max ignored the waitress, continuing to talk, "I mean really. I can't believe she's my sister." Oakley gave a sympathetic smile to the girl standing awkwardly at the table, as if to say we just need a little more time.

"Jaelynn is really that bad?"


Most of the dialogue in this chapter is good, but it veers towards being a tad too exposition-y at times. Having Max say 'I can't believe she's my sister' and Oakley say 'Jaelynn' rather than 'her' makes it feel like you're trying to make sure the reader is clear on who everyone is, which doesn't feel natural in a conversation between two very close friends. I think you could edit this quote to something like:

"I mean, that chick is crazy. Ker. Ay. Zee." Max said, ignoring the waitress. Oakley gave her a sympathetic smile, as if to say we just need a little more time.

"She's really that bad?" Oakley said, taking a sip of her drink.


Along those lines, anyway. Just try not to think about making sure the reader understands what they're talking about. Write the conversation as it would unfold if nobody was listening at all.

"YES." She sighed, ran a hand of fingers through her hair, then leaned against the table


A few things:

1) You should have a comma rather than a full stop after 'yes', and 'she' shouldn't have a capital letter.

2) A hand of fingers? That's quite a horrifying image. Just say 'a hand' or 'her fingers'.

3) Delete the comma after 'hair'.

Max used her mouth when she talked, Oakley thought, like everything was very intense, even if it was just to say "I don't like potatoes" or something simple. Her eyes and eyebrows moved a lot too. She just seemed to use her face much more than a regular person when she talked. She was very... enthusiastic.


I like this paragraph, but I'd cut the bits I've struck out. The 'when she talked' bit is repetitive and the last sentence just seems to cling on without adding much.

"Right," Max smiled, "Please."


Full stop rather than comma after 'smiled'.

"Well," Oakley suggested clinically,


There's nothing particularly clinical about what she suggests so I'd cut this.

Max interrupted, "Though that all sounds very tempting, I have another idea in mind." She grinned, "What if you and I went to Howler's tonight?"


1) You don't need to tell us she's interrupting when Oakley has already been cut off mid-sentence. We can infer that for ourselves.

2) Full stop rather than comma after 'grinned'.

"I know, Oakley. I know, Oaks.


Pick one. Don't have her say her name twice.

"I know, I know. But everyone will be there. And if you don't go then I don't go, and I really want to go." She whined.


Same again. Comma, not a full stop. No capital on 'she'.

"Yeah," Max spat, "What do you know about it?"

"Not a whole lot," he replied, "I've been there a couple times. It just, it tends to get a little rough sometimes. I don't know if it's your kind of place."

"Oh yeah? And what is our kind of place?" Max growled.


I don't get why Max is being this rude? Maybe it's a character thing, but it feels very overdone. I'd tone down her hostility a bit.

"But, I still don't think Howler's is your type of hangout. You might just be better at home working on the art of yours." He blinked, his eyes on Oakley. She had never told him she was an artist.


No, but she was talking to Max earlier about how she could come over and watch her draw. Would she not presume he'd overheard somehow? Unless the café is too big for that. Maybe try and describe the setting a little more so it's evident that their conversation couldn't have been overheard.

She was about to respond when she noticed a familiar dark figure at the window. He was wearing dark jeans despite the heat and a dark hoodie. His hair was dark as night


That's a lot of 'dark's. You might be doing it for effect, but I don't think the syntax allows the reader to feel the impact. If you had something like:

She was about to respond when she noticed a figure at the window, lingering like a shadow against the glass. Dark jeans, dark hoodie, dark hair - he seemed so out of place in the heat...etc.

This is just an illustrative example, obviously, but it shows how clustering and syntax can draw attention to writing choices. If you're going to repeat adjectives, you need to make it clear that it's being done for effect otherwise it just looks absent-minded. Either rephrase the quote or keep the original passage but vary the adjectives.

he seemed so out of place, a burnt marshmallow next to all the untouched ones.


Considering that you're painting the figure as sinister, comparing him to a marshmallow is probably not that appropriate. Marshmallows, burnt or otherwise, are sweet and soft and squishy. They don't really conjure up the image of a sketchy stranger.

"That was weird. That dude, he looked so sketchy. Kinda hot, though." Max babbled.


Comma after 'though', not a full stop.

Overall Thoughts

1) I love Max. She's funny and tangible and speaks in her own distinctive way, which makes her come to life on the page. Her dynamic with Oakley is believable and enjoyable to read. Just be careful not to overdo her personality, if you get what I mean. She was oddly hostile to Silven even though he hadn't really done anything, which felt a bit unrealistic, and sometimes the way she talks seems exaggerated. It's nothing to worry about too much because, like I said, I love her, but just be careful to ensure she feels real.

2) Oakley and Max seem to say each other's names a lot in conversation. Oddly enough, that's not something that happens that much in real life, at least not in two-way discussions. Maybe consider cutting down on the number of times they call each other by name.

3) This chapter has confirmed what I speculated about in my last review. You could definitely take chapters 1-3 and put them into one. It's your call, but I'd advise you do combine them, because they'd gather more momentum if they were together and have that sense of completion that a chapter needs.

4) As I touched on in one of the nitpicks, I think this piece is a little dialogue-heavy and could do with a bit more description of setting. I'd like to get a sense of what the café looks like, what it smells like, what it sounds like. The prose is a bit sparse at the moment.

That's all I'll say for this review. Another enjoyable chapter with the most enticing cliffhanger yet. I'm looking forward to the next instalment.

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




deleted1967 says...


Thank you! I'll just reply to some of your overall points.

(1) I can understand where you are coming from, and I do have some trouble with making a character realistic, but I am definitely working on it. I feel that her rudeness was a little necessary, though I can see why it would seem so over the top. She was rude to the waitress, which is because she's a very chatty character, and it's in her personality. I can understand why the rudeness with Silven should be cut down, but I just want to say that she does feel defensive, because he was listening in on their conversation, and is a complete stranger. Perhaps I should write in something about her wanting to be defensive because of his eavesdropping. But I do understand why it should be cut down a little.

(2) Ah, I'll focus on that, definitely. I always say the conversation out loud before I even start writing, so it was kind of just how it came to me, but I'm glad that you told me, or else I would not have noticed.

(3) The chapters are short, because I post them on wattpad, which the users are kind of used to short frequently posted chapters. If this were to become an official, published book, the chapters would be different, but for the purposes of wattpad, and making sure the chapter isn't TOO long for reviewers, I keep them short.

(4) I will definitely work on that!

Also, I have one question! How do you take quotes from the text? I've always been confused on that...



Panikos says...


Fair enough about Max's rudeness to Silven. I don't think you should get rid of it entirely because it makes sense for her to be defensive. It might just be a matter of changing the verbs, because I think 'spat' and 'growled' are a bit strong. Also fair play when it comes to the chapters - it does certainly make it easier to review when they're short.

As for quoting stuff, you just need to put the text in [quote][/quote] and it'll appear like it does in the review. :)



deleted1967 says...


Okay sweet! Also, I've seen people make comments but cross out their text/italicize/bold/colour their text. Do you know how to do that? It looked really cool. I wasn't sure if the colouring of the text was for certain people only or...



Panikos says...


Crossing out is:
Italicising is:
Bolding is
I'm not actually sure about colouring because I haven't done it for ages. The only way I know to do it would be to open a new PM, click on Font Colour and then copy the codes into a review from there - red, for example, would be . I tend not to do that just because it's a bit more fiddly.



Panikos says...


Dang, it deleted the codes. I'll type them out with spaces in between so it doesn't get rid of them.
Crossing out: [ s ] [ / s ]
Italicising: [ i ] [ / i ]
Bold: [ b ] [ / b ]
So basically that but with no spaces.



deleted1967 says...


Ah, okay! Thanks!!!
Here just let me try it real quick.
So I hope this is crossed out.
And this should be italicized
And hopefully, this is bold




Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain