z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter One (TMBB Werewolf)

by deleted1967


Gram's Tea & Coffee was a small cafe a few blocks down from the high school. Not a lot of people seemed to know about it, since most of them went to Starbucks instead. Gram's was never filled with customers, and it was rare that there was ever a line at the counter. Oakley liked the peace and quiet. She'd come there to read a few times, just by herself. But, she was usually there with Maxine, her best friend. She often wondered if Max would rather go to Starbucks or another more popular coffee joint, and that maybe she just tolerated Gram's because Oakley liked it. She'd never asked her, though.

As they walked through the door of the cafe, Max was rambling along, "I don't get it. Jaelynn is a complete delinquent, now. A delinquent, Oakley! Agh, and the worst part is that Mom does nothing to stop her. She just lets her do whatever she wants. 'Can I borrow $20?' 'Sure, baby.' But God forbid I ever ask." She rolled her eyes.

Max was quite the chatter box, and was still jabbering along when they reached the counter. The barista at the register had a patient smile on his face, where Oakley gave him a sympathetic look. She couldn't possibly count the many times she had to give that look to other cashiers and waitresses.

"Oh!" She laughed, "I'd like a vanilla iced coffee and a blueberry muffin."

He punched in some keys on the register, then looked up to Oakley, "And you?"

His eyes were a gorgeous blue that seemed to compliment his blond, almost white hair perfectly. His eyelashes seemed to flutter with unbelievable grace with every blink. She wondered if he dyed his hair, and then realized it was such a stupid question. No hair dye could ever make such a perfect colour—

"Ahem."

She snapped out of her reverie to find both the boy and Max staring at her. "I would just like a chai frappe, please," she muttered.

"Coming right up," he replied as he moved to the other wall, quickly rinsing out a blender and reaching into cupboards.

"You're new," Oakley sputtered, trying not to sound too desperate to keep the conversation alive.

"Yeah," he smiled as he continued rummaging through dishes and strangely shaped containers, "I just moved here a few weeks ago. I noticed a 'now hiring' sign in the window and checked the place out. Seemed easy enough to manage, so I thought why not. Plus, maybe I'd be able to meet some people, y'know, make some friends."

Max chuckled, "Yeah, if you wanna make friends with the elderly."

Oakley rolled her eyes at her friend's comment. She wondered what had caught his interest about this place. It wasn't exactly popular or necessarily trendy. Vintage paintings lined the faded floral walls, cracks and stains strewn across the wallpaper. Plus, Max wasn't exactly wrong about the elderly thing. It was an obvious place for grandmothers to sip coffees and talk about their grandchildren. The job probably didn't pay much. He couldn't possibly have only been interested by the "now hiring" sign in the window, which Oakley noticed was still hanging by the door.

"So, you come here often?" he asked as he set the finished drinks and muffin on the counter.

She flushed, "I'm sorry?"

He grinned, "I mean, you obviously know the staff well enough to know I'm not a usual employee."

Max grabbed the small bag with her muffin inside as well as her iced coffee, gesturing for Oakley to follow her to a table. Though, she turned herself to the counter and continued talking, "Yeah, I come here quite a bit."

"Lucky for me," he smiled.

She felt her cheeks redden as Max commented, "You're quite the smooth talker for someone we've only just met."

He didn't take his eyes off Oakley, "Only to the pretty ones."

She was about to open her mouth and reply when a boy pushed open the cafe door and stamped his way to the counter, "Hey, Silven, we have to go. I mean, really have to go."

Silven. His name was Silven.

Oakley was too busy staring at the other boy to think about the unique name. He had dark hair and dark eyes that strangely reminded her of chocolate. The two seemed to emphasize his pale skin, and the fact he was wearing a black t-shirt and navy blue jeans didn't help much.

"Minn, what are you doing here? I'm working. I can't just leave."

"I'm sorry," Max asked, "Who's this?"

The barista, Silven, turned to look at the girls, "He's my twin brother."

Oakley pondered at their contrasting features. Silven's hair was so delicate, shining bright white like the moon, while Minn's was black as night. They looked like complete opposites. The only thing that seemed similar between the two was their jawlines. They were even built differently. Silven's shoulders seemed to curve softly down, while Minn's jutted out, more muscular in a way. She could hardly think them to be brothers, let alone twins.

"Would you shut up?" Minn spat, "Lucinda needs us, now come on."

"He's in the middle of his shift," Oakley grumbled, "Cut him some slack."

Minn turned his eyes to her, managing to not move any muscle in his body except for his head and neck, "Listen little girl, I don't owe you an explanation. If I say he goes, he goes." Bringing his attention back to Silven, he repeated, "Lucinda needs us."

Silven sighed, "Alright, fine. Just for a few minutes. Oakley, you two can stay here. Just tell anyone who comes in that I'm in the washroom or something, okay?"

She nodded.

"Thanks," he quickly wiped his hands on his apron, then pulled it over his head and set it down on the counter. He made a quick smile in the girls' direction before following Minn out the door.

"Boy, that guy was weird. Did you see the way he looked at you? It was like he hated you or something," Max said, taking a seat at their usual booth. Oakley took the seat across from her.

"It's weird," she said, fidgeting with the straw of her drink.

"I know right? I mean, that dude, Silven, flirted with you."

Oakley rolled her eyes, "No, not that. Silven knew my name."

"What?" Max asked, taking a bite out of the top of her muffin.

"He knew my name. We didn't introduce ourselves, did we?"

"I don't think so. That's a little strange."

They never did introduce themselves. So, how did he know who she was? She wasn't wearing a name tag or anything. It must've been a mistake. It must have slipped out at some point. Maybe Max said it. She must have.


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Fri Aug 18, 2017 2:35 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for another review.

DarkPandemonium pointed out a lot of the grammar nitpicks, so I won't nitpick, but I will have a couple of tips to improve your writing style.

Firstly, try to show instead of tell. You did a good job telling, but there were several occasions when you would show us something, and then tell us immediately after. It kinda killed the showing you did. Here's an example:

Max was rambling along, "I don't get it. Jaelynn is a complete delinquent, now. A delinquent, Oakley! Agh, and the worst part is that Mom does nothing to stop her. She just lets her do whatever she wants. 'Can I borrow $20?' 'Sure, baby.' But God forbid I ever ask." She rolled her eyes.

Max was quite the chatter box, and was still jabbering along when they reached the counter.
Since we've seen through Max's actions that she likes to talk, you don't even need to say that she was a chatter box in the next paragraph, but you still need to mention how she's chatting when the reach the counter because that's an action and further drives home the point you made in the first paragraph.

She flushed, "I'm sorry?"
Between actions that aren't speaking (which sounds weird, but I think you know what I mean), and dialogue, there should be a period to separate them. This happened quite often in your writing, and it's not a big deal, just so you're aware.

As for your characters, I thought you did a great job describing Max and making her really come alive through her pointless chatter, and I liked the close friendship she shares with Oakley. You did a good job showing that, and I think that it gave the story a more realistic feeling, although it might sound a little strange.

Minn also came across more strongly than I think is completely believable, so maybe if he was just a little bit curt and even rude to Oakley and Max, that would have accomplished what you needed, but the way he behaved made the story more odd in a way like "What is the writer doing here" than "Wow, I can't wait to see why he/she's acting that way!"

You did a good job describing how it feels to have a crush, and the light flirting made it even more believable, in a way. I liked that little tinge of romance, and it really made the story come a little more alive and had great plot value.

Overall, your strongest points were the flirting scene and how that built the story up, and how you showed us Oakley and Max's strong friendship through their casual conversations. Your weaker points were grammar and stretching character's personalities, although that is a very fine balance, and it's nothing that can't be fixed. Good job here, and keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

Best wishes,
MJ




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Thu Aug 17, 2017 8:01 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Bailey!

So, first of all: this is great! I'm guessing this is a revised opening to the story? It feels like an altered version of chapter three, but you've teased out some of the best bits of it and made it more subtle. I especially prefer the way you changed Silven knowing about Oakley's art to him just casually using her name. It's so quietly slipped in that I had to go back and check where he said it.

However this fits in with the story as a whole, I like it. If this is the new opening, I give it a big thumbs up. However, you're here for a critique, so let's get on with the nitpicks.

Nitpicks

Not a lot of people seemed to know about it, since most of them went to Starbucks instead.


I'm not sure what it is about this sentence that doesn't sit right with me. Maybe it's the somewhat cumbersome use of 'not a lot of people' - something like 'few people' might be a bit more succinct. It also feels like there's a bit of a problem in regards to conveying the link between people not knowing about Gram's and them going to Starbucks - I'm guessing you mean that, because the Starbucks is there, nobody bothers to look for Gram's. You could do with illustrating that more. If you had something like:

Few people knew about it, perhaps because it stood in the shadow of a huge Starbucks.

As always, only an example, but you can see how this sort of shows more clearly why Gram's gets neglected. I know I've explained this point terribly, but I think it's just one of those gut instinct things that's really hard to put into words. Make of it what you will!

But, she was usually there with Maxine


Remember what I said about starting sentences with 'but' and 'though'? You always tend to slip in unnecessary commas after them. Get rid of this one.

Max was rambling along,


Max was quite the chatter box, and was still jabbering along


I'm not sure I've ever heard anyone say 'rambling along' or 'jabbering along'. More likely would be rambling or jabbering on. Though I think you could get away with just 'rambling' on its own in the first instance.

The barista at the register had a patient smile on his face, where Oakley gave him a sympathetic look.


Not sure 'where' is the right conjunction - I think you're trying to refer to the register, but it actually links back to the barista and doesn't make sense. To be honest, I think these would work well as separate sentences. Just:

The barista at the register had a patient smile on his face. Oakley gave him a sympathetic look.

Simple but perfectly effective.

She couldn't possibly count the many times she had to give that look to other cashiers and waitresses.


Would 'how many times' be better than 'the many times'? Also, I think this needs to be in the past perfect, as in:

She couldn't possibly count how many times she'd had to give that look to other cashiers and waitresses.

"Oh!" She laughed, "I'd like a vanilla iced coffee and a blueberry muffin."


'She' shouldn't be capitalised and the comma after 'laughed' should be a full stop.

He punched in some keys on the register, then looked up to Oakley, "And you?"


The comma after 'Oakley' should be a full stop.

She wondered if he dyed his hair, and then realized it was such a stupid question.


This is more personal preference, but the 'such' throws me off kilter for some reason. It just seems out of place to me, but it's up to you if you want to keep it.

"...Plus, maybe I'd be able to meet some people, y'know, make some friends."

Max chuckled, "Yeah, if you wanna make friends with the elderly."


I'm not the biggest fan of putting dialogue tags before the dialogue. To me, it makes it feel like there's an unnatural pause before the speech and ruins the fluidity of the conversation. This is especially harmful here, because Max's comment should feel witty and instantaneous. If you had:

"...Plus, maybe I'd be able to meet some people, y'know, make some friends."

"Yeah, if you wanna make friends with the elderly," Max chuckled.


See the difference? The response feels quicker, more immediate, as is the case with real-life speech. It's up to you, of course, but I'd consider it.

Oakley rolled her eyes at her friend's comment


Not necessary. We can tell that for ourselves.

Vintage paintings lined the faded floral walls, cracks and stains [were] strewn across the wallpaper


Just a few picky grammar points. You need a 'were' before 'strewn' and a semi-colon instead of a comma.

She flushed, "I'm sorry?"


Unless the verb before the speech is speech-related (i.e. 'said', 'shouted', 'muttered') you put a full stop after it in this kind of structure. So you should have a full stop after 'flushed' rather than a comma.

He grinned, "I mean, you obviously know the staff well enough to know I'm not a usual employee."


Same here. Grinning is nothing to do with actually speaking, so it shouldn't be framed like a dialogue tag. Change the comma to a full stop.

Though, she turned herself to the counter and continued talking


Unnecessary. The sentence would be better without it.

He didn't take his eyes off Oakley, "Only to the pretty ones."


Full stop after 'Oakley' rather than a comma.

"Thanks," he quickly wiped his hands on his apron,


You only close dialogue with a comma when it's followed by a dialogue tag. There should be a line break too. This should be written as:

"Thanks."

He quickly wiped his hands on his apron,


They never did introduce themselves. So, how did he know who she was? She wasn't wearing a name tag or anything. It must've been a mistake. It must have slipped out at some point. Maybe Max said it. She must have.


Excellent end to the chapter!

Overall Thoughts

1) As I've said, I really enjoyed this. You're getting a better balance of description and dialogue, the pacing is good and the cliffhanger is intriguing. It feels like you're taking the critiques on board and improving all the time.

2) The most consistent flaw I'm seeing is this sort of thing:

She was about to open her mouth and reply when a boy pushed open the cafe door and stamped his way to the counter, "Hey, Silven, we have to go. I mean, really have to go."


The barista, Silven, turned to look at the girls, "He's my twin brother."


Minn turned his eyes to her, managing to not move any muscle in his body except for his head and neck, "Listen[need a comma here by the way] little girl, I don't owe you an explanation.


It seems to me that you think that any sentence preceding dialogue should be closed with a comma, but that isn't the case. If they can stand as sentences in their own right, they should be closed with a full stop like anything else. The second one, for the sake of demonstration, should look like:

The barista, Silven, turned to look at the girls. "He's my twin brother."

If you're uncertain about punctuation around speech, look for some comparable dialogue in a published book and compare your grammar against it. I actually just checked The Kite Runner to ensure that the advice I'm giving here is correct.

3) Minn seemed a little unsubtle. I don't know if what they're up to has any level of secrecy, but he didn't seem to be making any effort to hide it. I can't tell at the moment if this is a problem or not, but I did find myself wondering if and why Minn would talk so openly and aggressively in front of two strangers. If there's a reason for it, or if Minn just isn't the sort that gives a damn, that's fair enough. I just thought I'd mention that it stood out to me.

I'll call the review here. As always, I hope it was helpful, even though I'm having to get pickier with you by the day. Excited to read more!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




deleted1967 says...


Thanks. I'm not very well with grammar, especially with dialogue, so I use YWS like an editor I guess. Minn is hiding something, but he's very rushed. He mentions Lucinda's name, but that's all. I thought I accomplished some secrecy by him not explaining the situation, just continuing to say "we have to go." He isn't very subtle, but he is very rushed and in a hurry to get Silven out the door. I could go back and put in some more dialogue. Possibly make him say "you can flirt with girls later, Silven, we have to go NOW" or something to that effect to make it more repetitive in how rushed he is. Or describe his breathing as ragged. I'm grateful that you mentioned it though.

Also, I've read The Kite Runner. It's such a good story, I think, even though I'm not usually one for historical fiction.

You're comments were very helpful. Thank you.



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Thu Aug 17, 2017 9:05 am



I don't think leaving a review would do much good because I loved everything! Please release more of this. :)




deleted1967 says...


Wow, thank you so much! I'm actually so happy you said that, thank you so much! *blushes*




Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author