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16+ Violence Mature Content

the tally of times

by AvantCoffee


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

A/N: Very open to any critique of this, but also specifically wondering whether the italicised words listed in the poem are the best fit (the intention there is violent impact, disturbance, shock value) – while still being realistic to what words TV news presenters actually say


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55 Reviews


Points: 3092
Reviews: 55

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Tue Oct 29, 2019 10:02 pm
WinnyWriter wrote a review...



Hey! Your work is well-written. It gives the reader something to ponder. I don't personally watch TV, but still, I am aware of how the stream of evil can hammer away at a person. It can be hard to push out of your brain.

As for your italicized words, I think your choice is pretty good. The word murder always has something startling and repulsive about it. I kind of think that you kicked off that line well by using that particular word.

Your writing is creative and shows talent. Keep it up.




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Points: 31
Reviews: 3

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Mon Oct 21, 2019 4:55 pm
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bkk99 wrote a review...



on the topic of your italicized words - those are definitely the words that i would have used if i were writing about this. some other words i have heard a lot include (i'm going to censor for the sake of propriety) g*ns, kn*ves, r*pe, etc. however, your word usage has the shock value that is needed to emphasize your topic. i thought this was a very interesting piece. i had to read it over a few times to truly understand where you were going with it, but now i get it.

as someone who lives in a city where crime is very prevalent, those are words i hear day in, day out on my television. there are times where i feel like i'm a prisoner to my tv, and i hate it, and you kind of just summed it up in words.

i really love the flow of your writing because everything just fits together in ways i'm still learning how to accomplish. i also ~really~ love your usage of commas, because i'm so glad to see someone else who uses them as much as i do (that's a good thing, don't worry!).

something i did notice is that you use the word 'tally' several times - i'm wondering what the meaning behind that is? it fits very well with your work, but it is something that stuck out to me when reading it and rereading it.

overall, your writing is very beautiful and this is definitely something i will be thinking about the rest of the day.





"Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down. I walk through your dreams and invent the future."
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