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the tale of the longing trespasser

by AvantCoffee

	once she loved the soft sounds,
	how holy they covered the skeleton world
	when wiser frames shed their clothes
	to feel the cold better.
	yet her holey tracks let her down
	from clouds and misty grounds
	heavily behind;

	it filled her boots
	until she couldn’t move,
	and from then the truth lost to the falling and piling…
	some say she grew roots there
	and shed her clothes in example;
	others say she curled up in blankets
	to forget her name.

	in both tellings
	she prayed it was only hibernation,
	that she was only healing
	for softer sounds than this.

A/N: Reviews are appreciated ^^

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106 Reviews

Points: 10793
Reviews: 106

Wed Jun 19, 2019 1:56 pm
silvermoon17 wrote a review...

Hello coffeeism (whatever that means..); here for a review. So first of all, I appreciate the fact you’re vague at the beginning.. but maybe it would have been even nicer had you used that line for comparison or imagery. I don’t think you made a regular rhyming scheme.. no.. definitely not.. and I think that you go on too much about storytelling. A catchphrase and shorter sentences as well as a rhythm would have kept us hooked till the end- but since you do not do that, I cannot give you any credit really. I basically stopped reading after some time since I just could not focus! I think you are much too vague. The title does a better job at explaining your plots than the poem itself. Then you move from a misty ground, to boots and her feeling of being lost and falling, to her praying it was only hibernztil’..? What? I’m sorry if I missed something.. but this poem just shapes out the thoughts you were having while writing. The structure is broken, and you only describe and describe and describe. Basically, we only have exposition from beginning to end- no evolution, no nothing; just description- a poem has a plot you know. And that thing moves forwards. Otherwise, the poem loses taste since there is no life or reason or message or anything behind it. It’s just exposition..

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42 Reviews

Points: 8
Reviews: 42

Tue May 21, 2019 8:13 pm
seekingthetruth wrote a review...

hi seekingthetruth here to give you a great review,

I was drawn by your titile it made me want to read , well done. I thought it was going to be a novel but this was much better. the launage used here was juxtaposed to each other which made it even more intresting. you have great techinqiues , you really know what u are doing dont u. you have the potential to be a great writer, thier were no spelling or grammar errors it was fabulous a piece of cake

well done hope to review a work by u soon
seeking the truth was here and found the truth

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542 Reviews

Points: 30484
Reviews: 542

Tue May 21, 2019 8:20 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...

Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room for you.

Okay let's start.

Out of the whole poem I couldn't see anything wrong with it, everything was written really well. I just love the name you chose out, it's very fitting, it does feel a little long, but that doesn't really matter.
I really love the story you have behind your poem, to some people it's quit true. I remember there was a time in my life were I just wanted to get away from everything, so this poem really spoke to me in away. I really like the way you started it and ended it. It was just really well done. And I like that you added a little bit of description into the poem here and there, it just makes it feel a lot more real, and easier to relate to.
Your punctuation was well done, everything flowed really well, and your spelling as great to.

Over all this was a really well done poem, and I'm glad I had the chance to read and review such an amazing work. I do hope you will keep writing and post again on YWS, because I would love to read more of your work. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
Reviewing with a fiery passion.

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846 Reviews

Points: 25262
Reviews: 846

Sun May 19, 2019 5:41 pm
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alliyah says...

The imagery in here is lovely and I really like those final three lines. Not sure how I feel about the holy/holey play on words, but overall this is a really nice piece.

AvantCoffee says...

Thanks alliyah <3 Mm yeah I wondered about the holy/holey thing as well. It's still pretty fresh so I imagine I'll need to look back over it after stepping back. Thanks for commenting!

This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer