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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Spades - 2

by Vervain


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

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125 Reviews


Points: 59
Reviews: 125

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Tue Aug 11, 2015 5:15 pm
Songmorning wrote a review...



What?! WHAAAAT?!! Ace got shot? I didn't realize that was what happened in the last sentence of the first part! I was. Extremely shocked by that. I've only read the first sentence at this point, but I had to record my reaction before reading further.

Daly's contemplation of "demerits" was the first thing to make me feel certain that these two are not from this world. The "imaginary boulder" incident in the first chapter made me suspect it, as well as their conduct, but this slightly detached reaction to Ace's death made it clear to me. If not from out of this world, they're at least knowledgeable of things from out of this world, or supernatural things.

I'm very intrigued as to who or what this "Fear" is, and what it has to do with a Green Lantern pendant. I'm up to the --- break, and I believe they're implying that they're going to resurrect him somehow. Which is good, because I kind of got to know Ace in the first chapter, and I was feeling a bit disappointed that he was dead already. Well, I'll see.

So it seems "Fear" and "Chaos" are two separate factions...
Don't "Phobos" and "Demos" mean "Fear" and "Chaos"? Are these people perhaps from Mars or the moons of Mars?

I had to look up the definition of ley lines, but as soon as I found out what they were, I thought that was a REALLY cool concept.

Oh, and I had a suspicion that the girl was Steph as soon as I read "cherry-red lips." You're doing a good job of connecting little details in this story so far.




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254 Reviews


Points: 11396
Reviews: 254

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Tue Jul 28, 2015 1:47 pm
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Sonder wrote a review...



Hey Ark! Night back for another review. ^-^ Apologies if it's all over the place, I'm just going to say what comes to mind as I look through the chapter.

Oh goody. So now I see that yes, Ace will be returning for future chapters, as well as his now antagonist ex. Juicy stuff. I'm excited.

So I really like this chapter because it starts introducing the new, unknown world from characters that know about it. I think you did a really good job at making the reality they live in (regarding Fear and Chaos and their powers) known, but you shared just enough about it that I'm still not sure what's going on and want to read on. You did well with sharing it as if it were old news for Daly, and that makes it exciting and more believable. Plus, new characters are always fun, and I smell future conflict for sure. ^-^

Another aspect I enjoyed was the character development (or perhaps just an expanse in my knowledge of the characters) in this chapter. My first impressions of Daly and Naomi from the first chapter weren't necessarily correct, and this chapter gave much more insight by focusing on Daly. I knew that Naomi was jumpy in the first chapter, but now I have better understanding as to why she was twitchy and why Daly is so frustrated with her. The dialogue between them flowed really well, and Daly's sarcastic personality helped lighten the dark mood. It was well balanced, and I liked it.

Even though you told me that Ace would be the main character, I didn't expect him to be completely dead. That fact immediately sucked me into this chapter and held me there. Now I have to figure out what happened to him and what his relation to all these people is. Poor guy. XD

I'm interested in Daly's control over ley lines, and the mention that Steph used them as well. I looked them up because I didn't know what they were originally, but I'm curious as to whether you'll clarify what they are in future chapters for those who didn't know like myself. It can be inferred that they have something to do with the earth's energy, but I don't know if the definition may need to be more clear for the reader as the story goes on. Not that anything should change in your approach of them in this chapter, as I think you did really well keeping it mysterious, but I'm curious as to the bigger plan. :)

I'm very eager to know more about the Fear and Chaos groups. They're obviously in conflict, and hate each other, but they also (from what I've seen with Steph and Daly) have powers and organizations. I was especially intrigued by the fact that Steph appeared after Daly thought of her presence. Is mind-reading a possibility? What's the significance in their group names? I'm intrigued.

One thing that bothered me was when Naomi attempted to shoot Steph. The scene went really quickly, and for the most part was good, although it could have used maybe a tad more description? Not sure, though, because I wouldn't want it to get bogged down. Anyway, the only problem was this sentence:

A thin line of blood trickled down her cheek as she dropped the gun and smashed it into the mud with her heel.


I was confused as to if the bullet grazed her when she had teleported away, and how it hit her cheek if Naomi was aiming to kill. I would think it would graze her neck or her side or somewhere else, because Naomi probably wouldn't have been aiming for her face, but maybe she was. It was unclear, and I wasn't sure how bad the wound on her cheek was. It sounded like a graze, but again, what caused it? Why on her face?

The healing process that Daly assisted with for Ace was very interesting as well. I found the mention of the bones getting too excited and Ace not wanting to be a unicorn morbidly funny. I really like Daly's dry sense of humor, and his point of view is just as realistic as Ace's was in the last chapter. It's great.

And finally, there's the offer Steph makes, and the reveal that she was his ex. Dun dun dun! I was hoping that she would be significant in the future, because it seemed odd that Ace would focus so long on her in the first chapter and have that be it. So you did well with that. ^-^ I'm really looking forward to how Ace is going to react to all of this. It's going to be a lot to take in (as well as for the reader) so I'm interested in how you'll handle that. :)

I'm also wondering how Ace could mistake a Fear pendant for the Green Lantern. How similar are the symbols for that? :P

Overall, I felt that this chapter was very good. I think it had a well balanced mix of description and dialogue, and the plot moved forward very smoothly. As a reader, I'm looking forward to the next chapters and have tons of questions that hopefully you'll answer. You've done extremely well with character introductions and development, and I'm really liking the overall plot so far. Thanks for sharing! I'm struggling to find flaws because I think your writing is so great. ^-^

Keep writing and being amazing!

~Night





attempting foot extraction
— Mea