Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Historical Fiction

E - Everyone

Hide

by Arch Stanton, none


I once walked through an open door

To see what was inside

I saw many terrified people who

Looked like they were trying to hide.

"Any Jews in there?", shouted

The regional German Police head.

I was supposed to report back a "Yes"

But said "empty!" and walked out instead.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar


Points: 5
Reviews: 2

Donate
Wed May 06, 2020 6:28 pm
Arch Stanton says...



Thanks everyone, for all the positive reviews and sugge




User avatar
157 Reviews


Points: 6575
Reviews: 157

Donate
Sun Apr 26, 2020 1:21 am
LadyVendetta wrote a review...



Hello, I'm Jade and I can't wait to review your poem :) Let's get started.

I once walked through an open door

To see what was inside

Interesting start, I like how door could almost be used as a metaphor, like an entrance to a world that feels so different, cruel, and inhumane. I don't know if that was what you were going for, but I like the start nonetheless!

I saw many terrified people who

Looked like they were trying to hide.


Oof, I can imagine the sad eyes and the quivering bodies. It pains me to think that but I have no problem with this part other than the flow feels a bit forced.

"Any Jews in there?", shouted

The regional German Police head.

I felt cold when I read that. It's sad, but you pictured it well. My only comment is the comma is unneeded in the first line, it makes it a teeny bit harder to read.

I was supposed to report back a "Yes"

But said "empty!" and walked out instead.

I'll admit this made me smile, a warm ending to such a sad, horrific poem. (As in the events, not your writing!)

OVERALL: I'm surprised about the emotional roller-coaster and I congratulate you on how well you captured this. I have no overall complaints and I hope you write more in the future! Have a great day!

Jade




Arch Stanton says...


Whew, coming online after a long time. Thanks for your review!

My language was very simple, no metaphors intended honestly, but I guess it's the reader's perspective that matters.

I used the comma to make it grammatically correct, but I guess it wasn't necessary here.

I'm glad that you've liked it overall

Thanks again!



User avatar
31 Reviews


Points: 2199
Reviews: 31

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2020 12:01 pm
View Likes
Alfonso22 wrote a review...



The cruelty of humanity knows no bounds, but fortunately bravery, in the service of compassion is also present. The speaker, who might have been expected to obey either out of a sense of duty or fear, risked his own safety for the sake of others and it takes bravery to do that.

I like the casual way that you convey this fact in a kind of offhand casual conversational way. Makes the bravery in the face of potential harm stand out even more.

Thanks for sharing!

I meant this as a review. Well, there go my points! LOL




Arch Stanton says...


I'll take this review to heart, but sorry about your points, heh!



User avatar
44 Reviews


Points: 115
Reviews: 44

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2020 7:59 am
View Likes
HGsomeone wrote a review...



I love this poem.

It's so simple and short but communicates a clear message without dressing it up in fancy figurative language. The rhyming scheme is similar and adds a consistent flow to the entire piece.

I wish I could write more here (i normally do because, y'know, points...) but I can't.

as I said before, I love this poem

(P.S. Horrible Histories, is there anything better? well maybe this poem, but no)




Arch Stanton says...


Thanks for the review! Really appreciate it



User avatar
21 Reviews


Points: 243
Reviews: 21

Donate
Sun Mar 29, 2020 7:42 am
View Likes
Tanishka wrote a review...



Hey! Welcome to YWS . This is Theia here for a review.

Amazing work , I have to say . In a really long time , I haven't read anything like this. The imagery of the poem is amazing and it communicates the whole story really well. The imagery would also be my personal favorite feature of the work. I think you could work on the layout a bit , just a tiny bit.

"Any Jews in there?", shouted

You could make it "he shouted" followed by the line ahead . My favorite line is :

I was supposed to report back a "Yes"
But said "empty" and walked out instead.

This was truly amazing. You can make the rhyme scheme a little more consistent but it is okay if you don't do that. I hope you will post more amazing works like this.

Keep writing and welcome!!




Arch Stanton says...


Hi Thea! Thank you so much for your suggestions, I'll try to work on my rhyme scheme more.

In my opinion, though, the rhyme scheme is consistent, I meant to write the first 4 lines as a separate stanza, but I forgot to do that. So it's still abcb for both stanzas...

I generally don't write this kind of poems, just more kid comedic, cause I aspire to write like Kenn Nesbitt (whether they're funny or cheesy or not at all funny is a different thing! If you don't know who he is, please do look him up, his puns are simply the best!)

Anyway, I think I'll post something I like best among everything else in my kids section of poetry...

Thanks again!



Tanishka says...


NP, The 2 stanzas would surely make things work.



Arch Stanton says...


I do, however, feel that the syllable count needs work, what do you think about that?



Tanishka says...


Maybe a bit, but don't change it much.




A ruler leads by example, not force.
— Sun Tzu