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(Vampire) Temp tittle! (part 3)

by Anma


Chapter 3

Gia wolk up suddenly, it wasn’t a dream that did it. Just a jerky movement from under her head. She opened her eyes to deep space. Gia could make out a few figures around her. Each asleep, she slightly moved but her head bonked someone else.

“Owww,” a boys voice said.

Gia turned her head slowly to the side. She didn’t know that her head had been resting on someone's shoulder. She looked up at the complaining boy and could see the light blonde hair strands mixed in with his dirty blonde hair.

“Are you okay?” She said patting her head.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were there.”

The boy just smiled at her politely

“Its okay” he reached for his jacket wrapped around him.

“You cold? It gets chilly in here at night.”

“Sorta” Gia smiled, he handed it to her.

“There you go,” he said slipping away.

“Wait,” Gia said, “is it still okay to rest my head on your shoulder.”

“Oh,” the boy laughed sitting back down.

“Sure.”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Gia wolk up in the morning her head throbbing. The blonde boy still right beside her. Except for this time his arms were around her waist.

“I just don’t want her to fall,” he said scowling at a boy in the back.

He was laughing about something.

“Excuses, excuses,” the boy said, his silky black hair flopping in front of his face.

A brown haired girl sat next to him, her hair in a messy bun. She looked up from the ground meeting Gia’s eyes. A smile slowly crossed her face.

“Hey!” She says, “your awake!”

The carriage hit a bump and Gia could feel the grip loosen on her waist.

“Wow,” Gia said hitting the ground.

The boy across from them laughed harder.

“Congratulations Carson, you just dropped the girl when you were afraid she’d fall.”

Gia rubbed her thigh, and another girl moved toward her kneeling.

“Are you okay sweety?” she said taking Gia's hand.

The girl helped her to the wooden seat. Gia didn’t notice how souer her body was from it. She sat down on the jacket that had fallen off.

“Thank you,” Gia said.

The girl sat next to her.

“It's dangerous when the things moving.”

She nodded her head.

“So just stay sitting down okay??”

“Ya,” Carson said from by her, “sorry about that” he rubbed his hair.

Gia just looked at him, his hazel eyes meet hers and he smiled.


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Wed Jun 26, 2019 5:58 pm
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LanaOverland wrote a review...



Hiya.

So I like to start off my reviews with a summary to make sure I understood what was going on: Gia is experiencing about the same thing two times. Once in a dream she wakes up, and has a tender moment with a boy sleeping next to her. The second time in real? life she wakes up in a carriage in motion next to the same boy, Carson, who is trying to protect her from falling.

It was a little short for me to really get what the premise of your story was. It seems like Gia maybe has a power that allows her to see the future or maybe if not the exact future to get a vague sense of people's intentions and how she should feel about certain people.

Going into my critiques I'd like to apologize if my comments seem a little long. I get a little passionate about sentence structure. I assure you it's not a reflection on your writing. A do have a few small comments that are a little easy: spellcheck/grammar check, especially your "you're"s and "yours;" also every time you do a big edit read it aloud to make sure everything sounds natural there were a few times that sentences didn't seem to flow right or were a little awkward, but again that's an easy fix and happens to literally everyone; also some of the dialogue could use work, I think I picked out "Congratulations Carson, you just dropped the girl when you were afraid she’d fall" as my example for that. So yeah, that's my basic editing stuff, it's a work in progress, so that's all to be expected. Onto my more complicated stuff.

“Gia could make out a few figures around her.”
----Style suggestion: So the way this is phrased has Gia doing the looking rather than the audience. While this is technically true (Gia is the one that’s there), it takes the reader out of the immersion. It reminds them subconsciously that they are not there. It also slows down your pacing. To change this you could phrase it as “There were figures around her” or “figures stood/laid/sat around her.” It would also allow you to make the figures more active figures. Instead of being the object being seen, which frames them as more passive figures, they can be the subject of the sentence which means that they’re more active and thus more intimidating or important. You may have heard of the old “never use passive voice” tip (which is bullshit by the way because there are times in which passive voice more effectively portrays meaning). The active voice tends to stick with readers more—it keeps the subject from being buried in the middle of the sentence, it gives them intentionality, it’s easier/faster for readers to understand.

In this case I'm unsure of what's the most effective. On one hand they aren't important to the scene going forward and barely make an impact on the scene beyond the blonde boy, so it doesn't matter really if we know they're there at all. Yet on the other hand you're mentioning them. So it might be that you'll want to make this change and add a little more description to set the mood of the scene. What does knowing these vague figures are around her mean to Gia both what she thinks and what she feels.

Ultimately it is up to your discretion. I mention it because it's something people tend to do without thinking about it, so just like be aware when you're editing if it works better in a different phrasing.

“She looked up at the complaining boy and could see the light blonde hair strands mixed in with his dirty blonde hair.”
----So yeah, same thing as my last comment. This example I think has a lot more of that pacing thing. When I’m editing I tend to look at descriptions and exposition in the point of view of a character very carefully. That’s because there tends to be an implied external stop. Even if it’s not first person, the character describing something or explaining something usually implies that they are thinking about it in the moment of the story. Which implies that they aren't doing anything else or that whatever else they're doing is not crucial. So for example in this sentence it is implied that she has just found out she’s been asleep on this boys shoulder, he complained at her, and she stopped for a bit to really look at his hair then responded to him. And that might work. For instance if she’s really moved by his appearance. If it’s something strange or particularly beautiful or she's really preoccupied by appearances, she might stop and think about it before returning to the issue at hand. As is I personally think it doesn't works. I think the priorities in the moment don't really demand that I know his hair is dirty blonde--though again later on it is important because we need to know it's the same boy in the second half of this scene.

There's a lot I can say (and did say (my god I talk too much)) about these two very particular sentences' construction and how they could readers out of the immersion or out of the pace of the scene, but, going broader, I think what I'm getting at is that there could be more feedback from our MC. She's taking in a lot of information, but not giving us a lot of response. We know his hair is blonde, but we're not yet sure why that is important to know. We know she's focusing on that detail about the hair, but it seems weird/unnatural, to us that she's doing that because to us it feels innocuous. I'm actually very curious if the rest of the world but him is vague and shadowy (that's the impression I got at least), or if its not and she just knew he was the important detail in the vision. And does she have free will in this vision? Is it that vague world I described earlier and she has free will to investigate him in any way but only him? Or is it a whole world that she can experience but for some reason, whether that be delirium from the dream state or just only having interest in him, she only chooses to investigate him? Or maybe it's just always going to give her the same vision and she has to play it out that way? (Maybe that's too many questions all at once, but these kind of future telling things fascinate me). The point is that it could be more clear, with some information on what Gia's thinking.

Uh that's it, I guess. Sorry if this is just like a giant block of text, and you're like "geez I know how sentences work." Again, that's not a reflection on you or your writing.




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Sat May 11, 2019 8:34 am
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Liberty wrote a review...



Hello Anma!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on obviously. I'm here to give the awesome chapter of yours a review! Let's get right into it now, shall we?

Alright, so I love the description that you've added in here. And not many spelling mistakes, so great job! *claps* Also, I have a question: What does 'Temp title' mean? You've used it in your tittle and I never found out what it meant, so maybe if you could answer this, I'd very much appreciate it. :P Okay, so there were a few teeny weeny things that I'd like to point out, 'cause why not? That's what I do! ;)

Starting from right... here:

“Owww,” a boys voice said.


The bold word needs an apostrophe (') after the 'y'. Or else it'll sound like multiple boys said owww, if ya know what I mean. :P

The boy just smiled at her politely


You didn't put any punctuation mark at the end of this sentence, so maybe a period (.) would do good. :)

“Wait,” Gia said, “is it still okay to rest my head on your shoulder.”


You didn't exactly use the correct punctuation mark here... It'd be better if you used a question mark at the end, don't ya think?

Gia wolk up in the morning her head throbbing.


The bold word is misspelled. Did you by any chance mean to write 'woke', instead?

The girl helped her to the wooden seat. Gia didn’t notice how souer her body was from it. She sat down on the jacket that had fallen off.


Did you by any chance mean to write 'sore' instead of 'souer'?

“So just stay sitting down okay??”


Erm, over here... I don't suggest using two question marks (?) unless it was an accident, which I can totally understand. :D Oh, and one last thing at the last sentence, you used a different tense for 'meet' than the rest of your sentence. If you wrote 'met' instead, it would sound better in your sentence since it's past tense. Well, that's it for me over here! I enjoyed reading this chapter and I can't wait for the next one! :mrgreen:

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500





He who knows only his own generation remains forever a child.
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