Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


The steps to Heaven

by Ani May Queen


I know this doesn't seem like Fantasy yet, but it will be! Trust me! The first part just isn't...

Pologue:Her Smile...

I first met Kioko is kindergarten when we were put in the same class. I thought she had to be the most annoying individual on the face of the earth with the exception of Barney. She’d jump out of her fancy car everyday with a smile on her face, wave at the car and wouldn’t stop until it disappeared from view. She's then run straight to the doors of the classroom, waiting for them to open as she rocked back and forth with that huge grin on her face. When the doors opened she was always the first one in and then she ran to her seat and sat straight up and placed her hands nicely on the desk. Sometimes she even hugged the teacher. She always raised her hand, even if she wasn’t sure of the answer, although she usually was. I never did that, I always had to be 100% sure that I was right before I raised my hand. I didn’t get called on much in Kindergarten.

We changed seats a quarter of the way through the year and this time we even had to sit next to each other. She’s always tried to talk to me and she’d tell me jokes and talk about T.V. shows which really annoyed me. I tried to ignore her, and once I even told her to shut up. Her eyebrows pressed together in a frown, and her bottom lip pouted out slightly and her eyes got moist like she was going to cry, which I really didn’t get. She turned away from me and stared straight ahead for the rest of the day and didn’t talk to me at all and at playtime she sat in the corner and played with a small raggedy Anne doll and a raggedy Andy doll and politely turned down any invitations to play with the others. I liked it that she stopped talking to me, but I thought maybe I had hurt her feelings and I didn’t like that.

The next day she was smiling again and she even smiled at me but she didn’t talk to me anymore than she needed to. By lunch I was sure she was avoiding me. At playtime again she sat alone with that stupid doll she brought every day. She sat there just making it “walk” and play in the dollhouse she had made out of wooden blocks. It had to be the sorriest excuse of a structure I have ever seen. It was just three blocks, two standing up and one laid across the top and it fell down every time she brushed against it. For a while I told myself that was why I walked over that day and asked her if I could help her built a new house.

I’ll never forget that moment. I was standing above her and she was sitting on her legs, her dress fanning out over them just showing the tops of her knees. She looked up at me, her eyes wide like Anna Marie when she had seen a butterfly while we were at recesses. She looked like for a second she didn’t believe what was going on. Then she smiled. It wasn’t a big smile like she gave on the first day of school when we had to stand up and introduce ourselves. Nor did it show off her pearl white teeth like the kids who want to show you the hole where they lost a tooth, big and wide and forced. It was a small smile, and her eyes squinted up, like they were smiling too. And she nodded.

We worked for the rest of playtime that day on that house. I showed her that it would be better if we did a layout of the house, like a blueprint or a bird’s eye view instead of trying to build an actual structure. She listened in amazement to every word I said and told me I was “really smart.” No one had every said that to me before. It made me feel all warm inside and I liked that.

I hated going home even more than usual that day. The next day I was the first one at the door. That day, after she had finished waving goodbye to the black car, she turned and ran straight for me. She grabbed my hand and flashed that dazzling smile at me. She asked me if we could play again today and I said yes.

The other boys in the class teased me for a while because I played with dolls, until of course, all the girls started being my friends. Even at the tender age of six, when everyone was supposed to think that everyone of the opposite sex had “cooties” (What exactly are those anyways?) the other boys realized that this wasn’t quite right. Before long, they swallowed their pride, picked up their dinosaurs, action figures, and hot wheels and joined us.

Surprisingly, I liked having friends, but I was also a little annoyed that I couldn’t spend more time alone with Kioko. I noticed – at least I think I noticed, I might have imagined it – that she smiled differently at me than she did at the other kids. She’d pause for a second, looking somewhat like a deer in the headlights and a little dazed, then she’d smile that small, pure smile like the one she’d given me when I had asked her to play with me for the first time. I always felt warm inside whenever I was with her, and even when I just thought about her. At the time I didn’t know those feelings had a word.

She was Kioko Oshima, Japanese on her father’s side and English on her mother’s. Her skin reminded me of a porcelain doll except for the perfect amount of pinkish blush on her cheeks. Her hair was shiny raven black, straight till a little past her chin at which point in broke off into long loose curls until it hit her mid-back. Looking into her eyes is just as good as, no better than gazing at the sky on the clearest of days. She was beautiful, she was smart, she was funny, she was the nicest person I had ever met, and I loved her.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 34

Donate
Fri Jan 20, 2006 7:08 pm
Ani May Queen says...



I'm kind of annoyed at the story though. It seems like it is inappropriate for a prologue, perhaps it would be better if it was at the beginning of Chapter One. From there you could go switch to the protagonist and continue on.


I'm sorry it annoys you. I did decide to make it chapter one though. Although I might change it back. I just wanted this part to kind of show what the main character (you guys still don't know his name do you? Oh well, it's in the next chapter!) was like and why and how much Kioko means too him. You'll why it was such a big deal for him to actually make a friend latter, but for now just know he cares about her a lot. The reason I made it a prologue was becuase the rest of the story takes place when they're freshmen in high school. As you can see, a huge time difference and I thought it would be approprite to have this part be more of a preview.

More than that, the story didn't particularly hook me. Kioko seemed like a stock character, she needs to have more of a substance to become real. Your protagonist sounds real enough, but he seems to be relating more in the way of feelings and emotions than details.


Could you please diffine "stock character" a bit more, I don't really understand. Also, this part takes place when the protagonist is in Kindergarten, and kindergarteners do relate more with feelings than details. In the next parts, when he's older, he won't do this as much.

I think you should elaborate more on this. Flesh out the story so that instead of doing a hurried recounting you should take your time. It would be the difference between writing a description of a dream and writing the dream. So, take the time to write the details.


I realize you wouldn't get it at this point, but this is a bit like a description of a dream. Its kind of like the main character is having a flashback or going back and watching his childhood replay. He doesn't remember a lot of details, only little things. So hopefully in further chaps. I can "flesh out the story" a bit more like you said.

BTW: I love your wording on that: flesh out the story. :)




User avatar
862 Reviews


Points: 2146
Reviews: 862

Donate
Fri Jan 20, 2006 6:34 pm
Griffinkeeper wrote a review...



You spelled prologue okay, it is an alternate spelling of prolog.

I'm kind of annoyed at the story though. It seems like it is inappropriate for a prologue, perhaps it would be better if it was at the beginning of Chapter One. From there you could go switch to the protagonist and continue on.

More than that, the story didn't particularly hook me. Kioko seemed like a stock character, she needs to have more of a substance to become real. Your protagonist sounds real enough, but he seems to be relating more in the way of feelings and emotions than details.

I think you should elaborate more on this. Flesh out the story so that instead of doing a hurried recounting you should take your time. It would be the difference between writing a description of a dream and writing the dream. So, take the time to write the details.




User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 34

Donate
Fri Jan 20, 2006 12:21 pm
Ani May Queen says...



Okay, thank you Ginny. I'd realize it was too long till you mentioned it but then I read it out loud and realized "wow, that's really long and annoying!" So thanks, hope this new title's better.




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 6

Donate
Thu Jan 19, 2006 12:15 pm
*~Ginny~* wrote a review...



The title, The steps on the Stairway to Heaven Is far to long (seven words), It doesn't really sound right. usually a title is no more then six words, even that can be too many. How about shorting it to, The Stairway to heaven or how many steps there are, say... Five steps to heaven. That's just a suggestion.

But remember, use no more than six words in a title.




User avatar


Points: 690
Reviews: 1

Donate
Thu Jan 12, 2006 3:30 am
Hikari No Mori says...



Hello Ai-chan!! I is here!

Also, you spelled "prologue" wrong. Other than it being a little detached in some places, it was a good story so far! Of course, having heard about it before reading it sure helps!




User avatar
798 Reviews


Points: 6517
Reviews: 798

Donate
Tue Jan 10, 2006 12:21 am
Jiggity says...



It could ptentially be confusing...it depends on how well written it is and on the clarity i.e. how clear it is that certain parts are flashbacks. I cant really tell until you post the first chapter...then I'll know for sure. When you post the first chapter post the somewhat prologue before it, so we (the readers) can tell how the story will be set out and in what direction its going.

p.s- I did enjoy your story, its real good.




User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 34

Donate
Mon Jan 09, 2006 11:54 pm
Ani May Queen says...



Thanks for your advice, I really appriciate it. But please don't just limit yourself to critiqueing, I'd like to know if you like it or not to. :D

Also I was wondering what you'd think about this; the part that's already up isn't the first chapater, its somewhat of the prolouge. While this is in first person, the first chapter would be in third person. I plan on adding shorter chapters through out the story that will be told in fisrt person, usually flashbacks. I want to know if you'd think this would be to confusing. :? Please, before I finish the first chapter in totally in third person!




User avatar
798 Reviews


Points: 6517
Reviews: 798

Donate
Mon Jan 09, 2006 5:59 am
Jiggity says...



She’d jump out of her fancy car everyday with a smile on her face, wave at the car and wouldn’t stop until it disappeared from her view and ran straight to the doors of the classroom, and waited for them to open as she rocked back and forth with that huge grin on her face.


She'd jump out of her fancy car everyday with a smile on her face, wave at the car and wouldnt stop until it disappeared from view. She'd then run straight to the doors of the classroom, waiting for them to open as she rocked back and forth with that huge grin on her face.

She always raised her head, even if she wasn’t sure of the answer


Im not sure, but I think thats ment to be: She always raised her hand

Im pretty sure thats it. Otherwise it was well written.BTW I added the next installment to my story Shaman, I hope its good. If its not tell me immediately and I will re-write it.




User avatar
56 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 56

Donate
Mon Jan 09, 2006 3:02 am
Snip Snip wrote a review...



She looked up at me, her eyes wide like Anna Marie when she had seen that one butterfly on a flower out in the soccer field while we were at recesses.
You should probably just make it recess. And "when she had seen a butterfly..." instead. Other than that sentence, everything is pretty good, although you could describe things a little more.




User avatar
173 Reviews


Points: 1090
Reviews: 173

Donate
Mon Jan 09, 2006 1:39 am
J. Haux wrote a review...



...I don't see much in the way of serious editing, but you do have a lot of typos etc...and things that you should be able to fix on your own. Or Jigsaw will point them out for you. :D

Like here:

For a while I told myself that was way I walked over that day
*why (?)

Here's one thing I especially liked about it. It may change appropriately with the story, but I liked the simplicity of the language for this--the way that it seemed like the thoughts and expressions of a kindergardener crept back into the retelling. A nice touch. :D

Sometimes, though, I think sometimes it's a little too much and seems fake...or it's less subtle or something *sigh* Sorry I can't explain better.
Nor did it show off her pearl white teeth like the kids who want to show you the hole where they lost a tooth.
I'm not even sure what kind of smile that's describing.

She was beautiful, she was smart, she was funny, she was the nicest person I had ever met, and I loved her.
You didn't show us a lot of these traits. We can only take his word for it. You might to look for other, (possibly) more appropriate words to describe her.

Hm. Can't wait to see this morph into Fantasy. :D

~Jacquie~




User avatar
798 Reviews


Points: 6517
Reviews: 798

Donate
Mon Jan 09, 2006 1:26 am
Jiggity says...



You'll have to wait a moment. Im currently writing the next part of my story Shaman. While I do that why dont you read the first installment of my story.




User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 34

Donate
Mon Jan 09, 2006 1:11 am
Ani May Queen says...



JigSaw wrote:Your right about it not seeming to belong in Fantasy...but I'll reserve judgement till the next installment. Otherwise it wasn't that badly written. It does need work though along with some serious editing which I cant provide right now. Later, perhaps.


Please tell me what "seious editing" it needs. But be nice about it, I cry easily. Also, it doesn't get really fantasy realated untill later, but trust me it will! Really, I'm not lying! Anyways, thanks for the comments.




User avatar
798 Reviews


Points: 6517
Reviews: 798

Donate
Mon Jan 09, 2006 12:09 am
Jiggity wrote a review...



Your right about it not seeming to belong in Fantasy...but I'll reserve judgement till the next installment. Otherwise it wasn't that badly written. It does need work though along with some serious editing which I cant provide right now. Later, perhaps.




User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 34

Donate
Sun Jan 08, 2006 7:51 pm
Ani May Queen says...



Okay, at least now it looks better...




User avatar
34 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 34

Donate
Sun Jan 08, 2006 7:22 pm
Ani May Queen says...



Okay, why in the world didn't the "pre" thing work? :?: It said "Highlighting the entire text and pressing the "pre" button (available under the subject line) will keep any indentations or white space that you have." Which I did. Can anyone explain why that didn't work?





The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart