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16+ Violence

Diamonds in the Rough 💎 Prologue

by AmayaStatham


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Kayla Compton starring as Carla Sanchez

In a scarce lit room, clothes were tucked into a worn out travel bag along with a toothbrush, deodorant and some ziplocks with canned food. The mattress was being pulled up after which money was being pushed into the back pocket. A bottle of water was taken from the fridge which was being unplugged along with the television and some other electronics.

A letter lay on the dining table.

*

Dear Carla,

Your father has been fighting his sickness for a while now. His condition has become really grave and he wishes to see you one last time before he passes away. His condition is really bad and he regrets what happened in the past between you and him. He wishes to set things right, but the doctors placed him on bed arrest.

*

A black sweater was pulled over a white crop top and the travel bag was swung over her shoulder. Her necklace with white pointy spikes was shining even brighter due to the dark sweater. She walked over to the only mirror in the room and clenched her fist as she punched it causing it to shatter. Her knuckles were damaged, but she didn’t seem to care. She carefully picked up the shards and placed them in front of the only two windows in the kitchen, saving some for the front door. With one last look at her now empty house, she stepped out.

The shards were placed so that if she came back, she would immediately know if someone had entered her house or not.

*

If you decide not to come, he totally understands that given the circumstances which you had to live in in your childhood. But I know the Boss would appreciate it if you came, so please consider.

*

She closed her house with a key and whistled. A young boy came riding on a bike wearing torn pants along with a muddy shirt and tousled green dyed hair. She threw him the key which he caught with one hand.

‘Si no vuelvo en tres días, le dices a tu hermana que puede quedárselo. (*‘If I’m not back in three days , tell your sister she can have it).’

He nodded and said, ‘It’s going to be quiet with you gone. No toda la gente cambia, ¿sabes? (*Not all people change, you know?)’ he said while riding away.

*

Hope to see you soon

Faithfully yours,

Pablo Iglesias - On behalf of Mr. Sanchez

*

She knew the boy was talking about her father, but she brushed it off. Yes, her father did many bad things, but she had to forgive him eventually. She wasn’t sure if she was ready yet, but he was sick. She didn’t have the heart to hold a grudge until her death.

She signalled for a taxi after which she drove for two hours to a bus stop in town and took a bus to her hometown, Santa Huiana. She spent all of her cash on her rides and some water, as she almost reached her fathers house, she stopped earlier and walked on the sandy road.

The nearer she came to her house the stronger the smell of tobacco and cocaine became. 

‘Jerk,’ she muttered and saw her father sitting in a rocking chair in the yard. His heart was giving up and still he wasn’t quitting his smoking habit.

Mobile wallpaper: Smile, Celebrity, Actor, Spanish, Javier Bardem, 900912  download the picture for free.

Javier Bardem starring as Julio Sanchez

‘Mija Carla, you came,’ he squealed in excitement.

His arms open and ready to hug her. His eyes were twinkling with hope and his face asking for forgiveness for mistakes he made in the past.

She smiled at her father and just as she was about to step onto the yard a black pickup came across and two arms grabbed her steady by her waist and pulled her into the car. Her bag fell onto the ground as she struggled to fight the person, but it was in vain.

‘Mija! Mija! Security help!’ 

Her father shouted as he jumped out of the chair and tried to run towards her, but his fragile heart made it difficult to keep up and Carla was dragged away. He helplessly watched his daughter being kidnapped right in front of his eyes after not seeing her after so many years. 

~~~

Constructive criticism is highly appreciated:

* On the content mainly

* On the Writing style


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Tue Feb 13, 2024 3:04 pm
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Ley wrote a review...



Hello! :D Ley here to review this piece for you!

First impressions...

I usually don't read thrillers/mysteries because I have trouble keeping up with the plot, but I decided I'd give this a go as I love your writing style and I just know this is going to be a great novel. The introduction, to the dialogue, to the formatting was perfect! This is a grand start to an even better novel!

When I was reading this I felt...

Sad, confused (as I always am whenever I start reading something new, so ignore this xD) but also intrigued.

My favorite line/quote is...

My favorite lines/paragraphs are words in the note! This gives the reader some sense of background, and clarity, as to Carla's father's situation. You didn't give away too much-- like why he's on house arrest, why him and his daughter don't have that great of a relationship, or why Carla hesitated to even go see him. You gave just enough information for us, the readers, to be on the edge of their seats! The perfect prologue <3

Some things that could be improved are...

I saw that you wanted feedback on the content and writing style, so here ya go:

As for content, I feel like this prologue felt a little rushed. I would've liked to know what Carla was thinking when she got kidnapped, what emotions were going through her brain-- how cold was the person's hand? What did the inside of the car look like? What was the person wearing? Were they masked? It seemed like the story is going to revolve around the kidnapping (maybe?), so try expanding on it.

As for writing style, I don't have any suggestions because It's perfect, as I stated in the introduction to this review! You did a lovely job!

Overall...

This was a super interesting prologue to the start of Carla's escape journey-- maybe? I haven't read the rest of the chapters (I'll review the other two today), so I'm excited to see what comes next!

Have a great day <3


With Love,
Ley




AmayaStatham says...


Hey Leya!

Thank you so much for this review. <3 I appreciate the critiques as much as the praises. I'm glad you like where the story is going. I'll surely take your suggestions into account when I'm editing. ^-^



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Fri Jan 26, 2024 4:48 am
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Elsinore wrote a review...



Love the way this piece is stylized! From the use of Spanish to the italics to the little asides noting which actor should play which character, this is a very unique piece of writing and I really enjoy that uniqueness. You did a great job crafting a story that I am going to remember, and employing some interesting and clever tricks in order to do so. Very much enjoyed it. Good job!




AmayaStatham says...


Thanks Elsinore!



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Thu Jan 25, 2024 11:29 pm
PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello, hello, hello friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.


Per my interpretation, this was a great start to a novel! A central conflict was introduced, and so were some important characters.

The story starts by following Carla, who is packing up things in her house to go see her dad, who is very sick. Before she officially leaves, she gives the house keys to a boy and says he can give the house to his sister if she's not back in three days. Then she gets on a bus and travels to her dad, spending all of her money in the process. But before she can get up to him, a truck drives by and snatches her, leaving her dad only to watch.

This was a really great starting plot that leaves the novel able to go in any direction, so good job with that!


If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be related to a sentence in the opening paragraph, more specifically when you said,

The mattress was being pulled up after which money was being pushed into the back pocket.


This was just a little confusing to me because at first I didn't realize mattresses had pockets, and I thought it just jumped from talking about a mattress to someone stuffing money in their pants, so maybe clearing that up a little could be helpful. Perhaps you could say something like "the mattress's back pocket" or "its back pocket" instead of just "the back pocket."

But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


If I had to pick my favorite part, it would definitely have to be the way you showed Julio, Carla's dad, throughout the chapter. His character went from hateable to loveable in a matter of paragraphs, and I love that you wrote it this way!

Something that stood out to me in regards to showing Julio as a hateable character came in the letter. You said,

His condition is really bad, and he regrets what happened in the past between you and him.


This shows that there's some bad blood between Carla and her father, but nonetheless, he still wants to see her.

And that is the loveable side of him, that truly comes out when he sees her for the first time walking up to his house. You said,

His arms are open and ready to hug her. His eyes were twinkling with hope, and his face asking for forgiveness for mistakes he made in the past.


He's done terrible, terrible things, but still, he opens his arms wide for his daughter and shows that he's there, which is a really beautiful way to show his character and the way he's evolved since the last time he saw Carla, so kudos to you for writing that!

I would also like to say I absolutely love your casting choices! Javier Bardem is wonderful, and I'm glad to see he's getting recognition through your work!


Overall, this was an awesome start to a novel! There were great characters and great backstories, and a conflict was introduced almost immediately. You did a phenomenal job with this, and I can't wait for the next chapter!

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!




AmayaStatham says...


Hi PK!

Thanks for taking your time and reviewing my work. I'm glad you loved it, I appreciate the criticism. XD

Cheers,
Amaya

PS: I'm happy you like the casting ^-^



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Thu Jan 25, 2024 9:18 pm
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SkyVibes wrote a review...



Hello hello! BlueMerce here to read and comment!

First off you get brownie points for including Spanish in this introduction to your story. I love reading books that have Spanish here and there. It's such a beautiful language and makes the story so much more captivating!

I'll be writing this review as I'm reading so my review is in somewhat order lol.

First I want to quickly talk about the letter. I think you absolutely get the message across that Carla's father wants to see her because he will be passing away soon, but I think the letter is a little choppy. His condition is mentioned twice so it seems a little repetitive. I would keep the mention that his condition is grave but delete the second mention of that in the next sentence. I would also delete "really" next to "grave". But that's just me.

Next still on the topic of Carla I see that she has broken a mirror. You do a great job describing what she is wearing but I think you could mention also what she looks like. Now obviously there is a picture of her but to help add that little bit of extra flavor would make it more interesting. I think the mirror would be a perfect place to slip in the color of her eyes and hair. For example, her eyes could be this color and were red from tears and her hair was this color and put into this hairstyle. You can of course use this suggestion word for word if you wanted to :)

On the topic of the letter at the very end of Carla's intro I saw the ending of what I assume is the letter. I think you should keep that close together or if you keep it at the end, make it have something urgent. Say like for example a taxi is already paid for and waiting for her until x amount of time.

Now onto Javier!

More brownie points because I absolutely LOVE the name!

I think "Squealed" isn't exactly the best fit for Javier. Seeing the picture I imagine he is middle aged maybe a little older. To me and probably only me (lol) I think of "squealed" used to talk about a little kid exclaiming. I might also mention how his condition has impacted his ability to reach out towards his daughter for a hug. Maybe he's weak? I saw this because based on the letter I think he is probably weak. Maybe mention him sitting down somewhere when he sees his daughter because he's on bed rest?

Also, I noticed when writing in Spanish you also add the translation of it. Mija means daughter so I would maybe add that somewhere so people don't think her birth name is Mija Carla. Just a suggestion! Although I do want to add that I don't think of course the translation needs to be mentioned every time Mija is mentioned lol.

Now as I mentioned I'm writing this review as I'm reading so now I see that her father was actually sitting in a chair. I think maybe mentioning that a little earlier would help with the details :)

To add more flavor to this writing I would write about if Carla knew a man or woman grabbed her based on their hands and arms. Are they muscular? Was it fragile or large hands?

Alrighty! So in conclusion I think this story is very interesting and I hope you continue to write more about it because I would love to read more!
Of course, all criticism that I have written is purely only of my own ideas and suggestions so take what you think is helpful and throw away the rest. Or throw all of it out lol. I don't mind either way.

I think your writing style is good. Again I love the Spanish sprinkled in the text!

Keep on writing!

-BlueMerce!




AmayaStatham says...


Hey there Blue!

Thank you so much for the honest criticism, that's really what I hoped for. ^-^ I appreciate the suggestions and also the praises. I'll surely take everything you said into account when I'm rewriting/editing this work.

Thank you for taking your time and reading my work!

Cheers,
Amaya



SkyVibes says...


you're very welcome! I'm glad I was able to provide what you were hoping for!
I would love to reread this when you rewrite and edit this! Feel free to tag me in the update!




Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
— Michael McClary