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E - Everyone Language Violence

Is there anything I can do?

by AilahEvelynMae


*** Just a note! I found this story on my computer. I remember writing this a few years ago... I was probably 12 or 13. It's not really a complete story. I'm just posting it so you can see my development over the last few years.*** -Ellie Mae

Is it possible that my soul is not actually inside of me? Is that screaming feeling my soul begging or am I just crazy?

Sometimes, I try not to go to this but, sometimes I wonder why am I here, what is the point of life? is my whole life is just pain and sorrow?

I lay awake, unable to pierce sleep. My arm burns from the feeling of the stairs, stair after stair after stair. They just sat there, they knew I was hurt, they knew I needed someone, someone to tell me I was going to be okay. From the ground I looked into their cruel eyes, staring me down like I was prey. Hope, I sat there, motionless, please I thought, just this one time can you help me. like I was trying to send them a message, a message of why is everything my fault?

Suddenly I snapped out of it, out of a glimpse of sleep. They were at it again.

“You terrible man! I did not marry you to work! Who do you think I am, I will not work as your slave”

! Oh shut up woman I am in charge here and you will do what I say!”

“ Oh look who is so tough, if you are so tough why don’t you get a real job!”

My muscles tighten as I hear a scream. My mothers scream.

“I said shut up woman!”

And with that I hear the front door slam closed. focus I say to myself. The feeling of emptiness returns, is my soul begging to leave?

My mother cries, I hear her sobbing and sobbing. I lay thinking to my self, is this my fault. All I hear is, this is your fault, or shut up! Should is go downstairs? Should I see what has happened? I decide I should, I need to do what I can.

I slowly step down the steps, step after step after step. Finally I enter the kitchen. My mother is sitting at the kitchen table with her head down, sobbing her eyes out.

“Mom” I say,” is there anything I can do to help?”

No answer. I decide to take a few steps closer. I slowly put my hand on her back to see what she will do.

“I’m really sorry for what happened to you. Please mommy what can I do to help you? What did he do to you?”

She looks up to me, our eyes meet. For a second I think she is going to give me a hug but then her eyes change, they change back to that dark, evil, and terrifying eyes.

“This is all your fault, everything is your fault, I hate you, never come into my sight again.”

Just like that she stops and slaps me, hard and firmly against the face.

“Go!” she barks.

Just like that my heart shatters, I feel shocked. It takes a minute to understand what happened. Back in my room I bury my face into my pillow, tears come. Why does she hate me so much, what did I do to her

The next morning my mother has a black eye. She didn’t even give me breakfast, straight out the door, straight to school. As I walk I feel my senses come back to me. I calm myself, inhale, out, in , out. I see all of the cars drive by, parents driving their children to school. Laughing and talking about what they are going to do on the weekend. 


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Tue Aug 10, 2021 5:22 pm
Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your work has been in the green room for a bit, so I thought I'd give it a review to bump it out!

This was a very poignant and emotional piece. I like the length of it; it was just a snippet, but it was a really moving one. It really makes you wonder what other trauma this narrator has sustained and if this is commonplace in their household. I think the narrator's internal reactions and physical reactions both spoke of abuse, and that characterization was really key in making this the great story it was.

One thing I liked about this was how you characterized the people in this story. It was interesting to see how since the mother of the family was abused, she in turn projected it on her child. I think it showed how that originally, people try to be good, but can turn bad due to external circumstances. I like the way you detailed how there was a shift in the mother's eyes to something more sinister because her husband had been abusing her. It's very heavy subject matter, but I think you handled it well and portrayed it realistically.

One thing I noticed was that there seemed to be a lot of run-on sentences in your draft. I know they can sometimes be used to convey frantic actions or panic/moments with high emotions, but I feel like when used in abundance, they can clog up the draft and make it seem unprofessional. I recommend putting periods after complete thoughts, and also reading up on other types of punctuation to use as well. Semicolons are really useful for two separate sentences that are still on the same topic, and with the correct usage, your work could be really elevated by them, I think.

I also think if you were to do more with this story, expanding it might be good. It didn't really have a plotline to it, and only kept my interest because it was short. It might be good to establish certain things (like who is the narrator, how old are they, is the abuse a regular occurrence, how is their relationship with their mom normally, etc.) and also maybe show some of their other life that isn't at home. You tossed the readers right in, and it might be good to include some exposition. You know, just if you decide to expand it.

Overall: nice work! I think you crafted a nice snippet of a story, and with a bit more polishing, it could be even better! I hope to read more of your work soon. Until next time!




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Sat Jul 31, 2021 1:35 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi AilahEvelynMae,

Mailice here with a short story! :D

It's nice that you share with us a short story you wrote a few years ago. Surely there are some differences and improvements in your writing style over the years. So I'll focus here more on some points that I noticed while reading.

I see where you are going with the story and I also like the way you try to describe and present it. I think it gives the reader in this short story the approach to understand what is behind the words and what message is actually trying to be said.

I also find, however, that a lot happens between the lines and some things are not addressed at all, so that some questions remain unanswered even after you have finished reading. Based on the text, the reader notices that the father is a very violent (unemployed) man who often threatens and beats the mother. you show domestic violence here from the eyes of a child and also depict the situation of him going to his mother afterwards and being beaten by him.

That is exactly where I think you need to expand. The reader doesn't know if this has happened a few times before or if it's the first time. You only briefly mention that it is always the child's fault, but you don't create the necessary opportunity to build empathy with the child. Why is this time so special? Why should the reader find out here? Aren't there other moments that were just as special?

In order not to answer such questions directly, it would be good if you, for example, expand a little on some of the statements that fall in the story (it's my fault). For example, what does the child's room look like? Does it have toys? Has he eaten? If you describe that it's neglected, for example, you can think more about what's been going on in the family and how the story unfolds. At the moment it has remained quite superficial.

Other points I found while reading:

is my whole life is just pain and sorrow?

The “I” is lower case.

I lay awake, unable to pierce sleep. My arm burns from the feeling of the stairs, stair after stair after stair.

I would change the stair after stair with steps after steps. Later on you use this term again, and I think that would fit better to get there a repetition.

! Oh shut up woman I

Strange use of an exclamation mark as quotation marks. :D

tough why don’t you get a real job!”

A question mark is needed at the end.

My mothers scream.

The “s” is too much her. Or do you wanted to write “My mother´s scream.”?

focus I say to myself.

I would highlight the focus (and write it with capital letter) to italic to see that this is indeed a thought of the child.

Why does she hate me so much, what did I do to her

A question mark at the end is needed.

In general, I thought it was a very sad story and I think you can certainly expand on it so that people can make a great comparison of where you've improved over the years.

Have fun writing!

Mailice




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Thu Dec 24, 2020 10:14 pm
AilahEvelynMae says...



Sorry commented by mistake!





Seeing is believing, but feeling is the truth.
— Thomas Fuller