Young Writers Society

Greetings @AilahEvelynMae,

Today is no longer yesterday night, so you must have turned in your paper by now. That's why I'm not really here to give you any more suggestions, but rather to tell you why I actually read your paper.

I have to say that you wrote about a really sensitive topic, but I'm glad that you did. Because a lot of people still don't realize how much factors such as racial discrimination, bullying, abuse and trauma can contributing to child suicide. It started much earlier, but I think it's more than enough to hear about such a tragic event even in 1965 and it keeps happening like the event in 2022.

People need to be aware of the impact that factors such as bullying and harassment can have on a person. It's not always easy to talk about these issues, but we need to hear about them so that we can learn from our mistakes and avoid repeating them.

It seems like you did enough research to be able to talk about a huge social problem in just a few words. It is written very formally and yet interesting. The article creates a sense of awareness of the problem, and you have written it so precisely that it immediately conveys a message to the reader.

You are a talented writer in your own way. Keep on doing what you do!

Me,

Rose

Okay, down below I've put in some suggestions/tips… Whatever they are. Hopefully, I'm not too late, also.. This actually helps.





The Conflict Theory explains that the

*The Conflict Theory explains the

structure of society is constructed by

*structure of society includes/contains
sources of inequality.

sources of inequality that provide some

*These (sources) provide certain groups with gain, at the expense of other groups.

Alternatively: The Conflict Theory explains the structure of society includes/contains
sources of inequality, providing some groups with gain at the expense of others.



Concerning child suicide, most of the
recorded conflict is racial, or other forms of bullying.


*Concerning child suicide, most recorded conflicts are racial or various forms of bullying.


Jamari Terrell Williams was a 10-year-old from Montgomery, Alabama, who died from suicide. *who committed suicide.


“He wanted to know if I loved him because his classmates would say he was dark-skinned.” (Frisbie, 2022)

The bullying that children receive is one factor that contributes to suicide.

*Bullying that children suffer/face leads them to suicidal ideations.
Alternatively: can lead them to suicidal ideations.


Racial discrimination and bullying from school peers, as well as abuse,

*Racial discrimination, bullying and abuse
contributed to the death of Ashawnty Davis, a ten-year-old from Colorado.


After being bullied relentlessly online and at school, she confronted her bully. This incident was recorded and posted on social media. This brought even more hate from her peers, leading to loneliness, which was too much for her to handle.

**After cyberbullying and harassment at school became unbearable(for her), she confronted her bully. The incident was recorded and posted on social media, gaining her more hate from her peers.
This led her to unbearable loneliness.



Alright, so I've done some 'editing'
(I loathe that word) .. Keep in mind I'm not a native English, so I might've just suggested a lot of useless or stupid things..

Hey there! I am not very good at reviewing on mobile, but that’s all I have available to me right now, and you said this is due tonight, so I’m gonna give it a go and try to be as helpful as I can.

As far as the punctuation goes, what is considered “correct” is actually different in different countries. I’m not quite sure what country you’re from, but I’m American and it’s the only grammar rules I actually know, so I’m going to go off that and warn you that if you are not also American, take my advice with a grain of salt.

That being said, you vary your punctuation a lor, and should probably find one and stick with it for continuity. And, again, if you’re American — then the correct way to quote things is “quote” (citation).

So this one is correct:

"My daughter came home two weeks later and hanged herself in the closet" (Michels, 2017).

“disappointedly unsuccessful in their social interactions become socially confused and frustrated leading to increased risk of suicide”. (Narrol, 1965)