Waking up with severe OCD/ Schizophrenia
(I am a true sufferer of mental illness. Things described in this story are not false. They are an actual combination of some symptoms I experience. WARNING: triggers of death threats, poisons, toxins, burning, self mutilation, hallucinations, suicide, hospitals, rape)
7:24am-I wake up on the floor. Two blankets on the ground. Two is a safe number. One blanket and one pillow. One plus one is two. Four is safe. It’s not safe to sleep in the bed. Is my family dead? Is my family dead? “You will die today unless you listen to me, poison them.”
7:27am-Is it safe for me to breathe? The air is toxic. It has been poisoned. “It’s poisoned, you are disgusting. Breathing air will just cause you to infect others.”
7:30am-There is sun coming through the window. The glass will shatter any second. Make sure you don’t sleep too close to it. It has to stay open or else someone will hurt you. The sun will burn you. The light will melt you.
7:32am-Count your fingers. 1-2-3-4-5. 1-2-3-4-5. NO NO NO NO. Five is not a safe number. “CUT OFF YOUR THUMB OR I WILL KILL YOU”. He is there in the corner. Bang your head 32 times. Again. Again. MORE. “You are cursed. Anything you touch will be infected.”
7:34am-The germs. On my hands. My hands. So many. Wipe them off. Wipe them off. It needs to be equal. “MORE”. There is screaming. My skin is burning. My heart races and I begin to panic.
7:37am-They are coming for me. I need to hide. They are trying to take away my magic powers. They will use them for evil. I need to cut myself to taste my blood. If it is different that means I am infected. I can feel them watching me. They put a camera in my earlobe a few weeks ago, but I cut it off. Okay. Stand up. Stand up. Will the ground fall? Hit the ground ten times. Do it again. One more time. DID I DOUBLE LOCK THE DOOR LAST NIGHT? One more time. Four is safe.
7:40am-try to get out of be-“I AM GOING TO KILL YOU. Go get a knife right now and stab yourself. They are coming for you. They are going to rape you. You need to do something. He is not safe. You are going to be locked in a small room. A small dark room. You are too short to reach the lights.” Mommy, what did I do? Why won’t you hug me? Go. Go Go. Go to the kitchen. I go, but the kitchen is empty. Dad has already hidden all of the knives. I slit my wrists and tried to sew them back together. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Days.
7:44- I cannot eat today. They are coming.
7:47-he is standing there. She is there too. All of them are there. I need to die die die die. They can’t take me back to the hospital again. Not another four months in the psych ward.