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Dear, I am Sorry.

by 26Gemini


 There are little things about you I love dear,

and there are little things that just can't be,

and I know that I said I love you,

and I'm sorry,

but my heart can't take this any longer,

or it will fail me,

some things can,

and somethings can't be.

As I held you close I knew what I wanted most,

and it wasn't to be held by you,

I'm so sorry,

It was to be loved for me and actually seen dear,

and just be me,

 There are little things about you I love dear,

and there are little things that just can't be,

and I know that I said I love you,

and I'm sorry,

but my heart can't take this any longer,

or it will fail me,

some things can,

and somethings can't be.

 There are little things about you I love dear,

and there are little things that just can't be,

and I know that I said I love you,

and I'm sorry,

but my heart can't take this any longer,

or it will fail me,

some things can,

and somethings can't be.

Dear, I'm sorry.


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Points: 400
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Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:26 am
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niichan says...



Rhyme: Rhyming can help accent key words and ideas. But if rhyme is used too heavily, there is a danger that it becomes sing-song and facile. A nursery-rhyme rather than a poem. Avoiding this whilst still creating effective, “musical” verse is one of the key skill you have to aquire.

You should not feel that a poem has to rhyme and that what they’re creating isn’t poetry if it doesn’t.The requirements of the individual poem in question are all that matter. A poem about discord or confusion, for example, might work best with little rhyme. A poem with a more harmonious theme might work best with stronger rhyming.

I couldn’t exactly tell if I can consider this a “romantic” poem, or if that’s what you had in mind while writing but I can definitely describe it as “sentimental”. Because of the rebellious nature of sentimental poetry, it is common to break away from traditional forms, but this doesn't mean the only appropriate way. When you feel passionately about your subject, it's easy to find yourself thinking about it in a wide-ranging way, making lots of comparisons and associations.Try to build your structure around just one or two, saving others for further poems.

If you use language concisely and effectively, there's no reason why your poem needs to be long ( or repeated ), but the important thing is to make it the right length for your idea. Never pad a poem with tangential material. Keeping it tightly focused will maximise its impact.

Keep on writing (▰˘◡˘▰)




26Gemini says...


It is a lyrical poem it is meant to be sing song it is a song. @niichan



26Gemini says...


Thank you for your review.



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Tue Mar 19, 2019 4:39 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there 269069! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.

I love when people write songs on here! I've been wanting to refocus on writing lyrics (and maybe doing more lyric-themed events), but it's been a while since I've written more than random snippets.

Overall, I like the core message of the song, I think the first six lines would make a great chorus because they express the message in a simple yet interesting way.

As I held you close I knew what I wanted most,

and it wasn't to be held by you,

I'm so sorry,

It was to be loved for me and actually seen dear,

and just be me,


I like this bit, but I feel like it's out of place where it currently is. Right now, it reads like it's the first verse, but it feels more like bridge material to me because it's like the speaker is having this powerful realization that "you" is not the person they want despite what they love about "you".

I think this song could be more powerful if there was a little more detail and structure. Right now, I know the speaker likes a lot of "things" (a rather vague word that's used a lot in this song) about "you", but also has small but persistent issues with the relationship. It'd be interesting to use the verses of the song to flesh these out more, like what does the speaker like about "you"? What are the problems that lead him/her to the conclusion that they have to leave? If this story was built up more, I'd feel more emotion in the chorus and bridge.

Overall, I like the idea of this song, but I'd love to see more meat on the bones here. Keep writing! :D




26Gemini says...


The speaker is not so clear on this herself, it is meant to be vague.



26Gemini says...


Thank you for your valued input.



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Mon Mar 18, 2019 6:05 pm
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Swetachowdhury0 says...



Hey, i think it is really an amazing poem. You did a great job.. And I think it best to move on when you are not connecting with the person you loved one. It hurts a lot but this is the best thing to do for both people. Keep writing.




26Gemini says...


Thank you.



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Mon Mar 18, 2019 5:33 pm
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potatoefry2001 wrote a review...



Hey there, @269609,

First I must say, WOW. I have never cried this hard after reading something someone has written. You have an incredible way with words, and I think you need to know your words move people.
I know what you mean when you say "my heart can't take this any longer, or it will fail me." I am here for you, if you ever need to talk to me. You can PM me at anytime. I feel like this piece has a lot of emotion and that is how a piece should be written.
You don't have to be fake when you write, and I love that you aren't one of those who are fake.
I can see who you really are, and that is a BEAUTIFUL thing. Great Job!!! See you around,


'Tato




26Gemini says...


Thank you, you too brought tears to my eyes. I may take you up on that PM thing sometime, the break-up was a peaceful one to everything but my heart. :) Right now I am fine.





Glad to know you are doing well. Yes... If that changes, don't hesitate to PM me.



26Gemini says...


<3 :) :D




"The bird that would soar above the level plain of tradition and prejudice must have strong wings. It is a sad spectacle to see the weaklings bruised, exhausted, fluttering back to earth."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening