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1: Marlboro Man

by 17Mysery


A Normal Friday

She pulled the hood lower on her face and moved quietly across the hallway. She descended the stairs silently and hid behind them beneath the stairwell. She had been craving the cancer stick since the minute Mr Cheever begun his lesson. What did she care about the spectrum of black body radiation? Thinking she was safe, she removed the good and retrieved a pack of Pall Mall from her pocket. She lit a stick expertly and balanced the baneful blunt between her glossed pink lips. She leaned on the wall and took a long drag. She exhaled through her mouth. A halo of bluish-grey air formed around her face and she giggled quietly. She liked the sweet burn in her lungs as she filled it with smoke and completely burned out the stick. She crushed the butt with the heel of her black leather boot and lit another one with a gold lighter.

"You're quite the smoker," a female voice said and she froze. In a fraction of a second, the cigarette and lighter had disappeared.

The female who interrupted her break had cropped purple hair and studs in both ears.

"Relax, darling, " the girl said, walking closer to Leighton. She said nothing but began walking away. As she was going, the girl caught the drawstrings of her hoodie. Leighton reacted instinctively and kicked the girl's knee, causing her to fall.

"I'm no one's darling," she hissed before calmly ascending the stairs and making her way back to the physics class. She had a pack of cherry bubblegum in her pocket and by the time she got to class, it was as if she never left. What she didn't know however was that someone else had seen her. A boy who was clad in blue denim with long black hair had seen it all. He didn't care though. Because he was more of a Marlboro man.

You can check out my other story, You Are Beautiful.


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6 Reviews


Points: 129
Reviews: 6

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Mon Aug 03, 2020 7:46 pm
DavidFoxx wrote a review...



Hi There :)

It's your first chapter, so let's begin the journey!

I was going to comment on the sentence with the stairs, but as far as I see the previous review has mentioned it too.

she removed the good and retrieved a pack of Pall Mall from her pocket.[
- I'm not sure what good is. Is it the foil or the package?

She liked the sweet burn in her lungs as she filled it with smoke and completely burned out the stick. She crushed the butt with the heel of her black leather boot and lit another one with a gold lighter


It's a bit repetitive, because of She, and I know we haven't been introduced to the character properly yest, so you don't have many synonyms, but still.
Otherwise a beautiful imagery. I felt like lighting a cig myself.

Also- because it's lungs,plural, then it would be "she filled them with smoke" (...)

What she didn't know however was that someone else had seen her. A boy who was clad in blue denim with long black hair had seen it all.


A bit repetitive, maybe try to break the sentence, or combine the two to feel smoother. It's up to you, of course.

I liked where you left off. It's a short first chapter, but it worked in this case- it very much depends on how you decide to continue.

Actually, I clicked in it because of the title- great choice, as a title is something very important and in my case, made me read your work.

I really hope my words were helpful and I didn't sound like criticizing.

I'm interested in what happens next, so I'll be waiting for the next part :)




User avatar
22 Reviews


Points: 2378
Reviews: 22

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Fri Jul 31, 2020 1:14 pm
deleted18 wrote a review...



Greetings, fellow author!

I must say I really enjoyed this short chapter. Leighton seems to be your typical badass girl, sneaking out of class to smoke, reflexively shinning people, and with the aesthetic of your average goth. She reminds me a lot of Maeve Wiley from Sex Education, I don't know why.

Anyway, as for the actual content. Some expressions were a little bit clunky, for different reasons:

She descended the stairs silently and hid behind them beneath the stairwell.


First off, the 'beneath the stairwell' part is unneeded. The 'them' clearly implies the stairs, and there is no other place behind a stairwell that you can hide in, other than right under them. Also, you would've needed a comma before 'beneath.'

She crushed the butt with the heel of her black leather boot and lit another one with a gold lighter.


This is clunky because the adjectives, as well as the mention of the 'black leather boot' feel extraneous. I understand that you wanted to include some detail in the story, but with the minimalist style from earlier you just crammed them at the end of the paragraph. Replacing the 'a gold' with 'her gold' would save part of it, but you could just say 'with her heel' and save the black leather for a little later. Maybe add an audio cue when she's going up the stairs that leads to her black leather boots.


Lastly, your sentences are almost all the same. There is no focus change, there are no dynamic parts, it's always 'Subject does this. Subject does this too. Subject also does this.' It becomes rather repetitive to read through it, and it leaves a stale rhythm in the story. Try alternating what the focal point of your sentences are, add some more simultaneity, some descriptions, throughout that don't start with 'she had.' It would really enhance the reading experience.

I hope you didn't find my review too harsh, and if you need any clarification just ask.

Cheers,
Bubbles.





In short, Mrs. Pontellier was beginning to realize her position in the universe as a human being, and to recognize her relations as an individual to the world within and about her.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening