Young Writers Society

Barnyard Reviews: A Review For You ("Little Mischiefs!" by Ary)

This elaborate metaphor for descent into rock bottom is astounding. There is an obvious literate reference to folklore in this triumph of the sweets over children. However, the main metaphor is to a couple who start out with lustful glimpses into a facade and colorful lights of whatever detriment this is a metaphor for (drugs/whatever), and who eventually suffer addiction, disfiguration, and disillusionment. When they are eventually discovered by some mysterious helper, they are able to shakily climb out of their hole and rejoin their families, but as changed people. They say to tell them they fell, in other words, they want to cover up their horrible deeds with a pshaw attitude.

The prose and poeticism in this piece is fine like a beautiful woman, and the description is pretty epic. Although this is an obvious metaphor for drugs and stuff, it's still pretty cute, so I like it. I especially liked the reference to the Surgeon General's cigarette warning in the beginning. All around, this was an entertaining, and deep poem.

I would recommend it to anyone struggling with addiction.

7/10

Salutations. As Aqua1213 said, I like how you took the idea and made it fun, from a kid's perspective. A few suggestions:

I'll tell you a tale
Of a young boy and me,
How we were lured into a box
By delicious sweets!

Forbidden it was,
Forbidden to be,
The sign said "Caution,
Do NOT EAT!"

But we didn't read,
We didn't care,
So we took a peek
To see inside!

When someone saw
Where we were,
They knew that we,
Were not supposed to be there.

So, when they saw our little faces,
All dirty with candy and sweets,
We burst down in tears,
Ashamed and in fear,
Fear of the consequences...

But they took us pity,
So when we were halfway,
To see our parents,
We told them "If anyone asks,
Tell them we're fine,
Tell them we fell,
And that we were just playing,
Playing with mud".

Hi Ary! I'm Spark, and I'll be reviewing you today!

Ohhh, you decided to take part in the challenge! That's awesome! and this is a great representation of what the challenge was! *high five*

Anyway, to the review.

Of a young boy and me,

But we didn't read,
We didn't care,

So we took a peek
To see inside!

We convinced ourselves
We would just try one!
Oh how naive!
But we couldn't resist!

When someone saw
Where we were,
They knew that we,
Were not supposed to be there.

So, when they saw our little faces,
All dirty with candy and sweets
We burst down in tears,
Ashamed and in fear
of the consequences...

Aw! Honestly, this is really cute! X3 It reminds me of me and my brother stealing from cookie jars when we were smaller! XD Wow, how cliche. Me, not you!

In fact, even though your theme IS cliche, you made it fun, I suppose.
I loved reading it. It was like a little kid's voice,

But we didn't read,
We didn't care,
So we took a peek
To see inside!

But we couldn't resist!

When someone saw
Where we were,
They knew that we,
Were not supposed to be there.