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Little Mischiefs!

by Ary


Challenge Corner #1 "We're Fine"
This is my work for the challenge. Enjoy! :)
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I'll tell you a tale
Of a young boy and me,
How we were lured into a box
By delicious sweets!

Forbidden it was,
Forbidden to be,
The sign said "Caution,
Do NOT EAT!"

But we didn't read,
We didn't care,
So we took a peek
To see inside!

We convinced ourselves
We would just try one!
Oh how naive!
But we couldn't resist!

When someone saw
Where we were,
They knew that we,
Were not supposed to be there.

So, when they saw our little faces,
All dirty with candy and sweets,
We burst down in tears,
Ashamed and in fear,
Fear of the consequences...

But they took us pity,
So when we were halfway,
To see our parents,
We told them "If anyone asks,
Tell them we're fine,
Tell them we fell,
And that we were just playing,
Playing with mud".


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23 Reviews


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Mon Jul 15, 2013 3:53 am
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CowLogic wrote a review...



Barnyard Reviews: A Review For You ("Little Mischiefs!" by Ary)

This elaborate metaphor for descent into rock bottom is astounding. There is an obvious literate reference to folklore in this triumph of the sweets over children. However, the main metaphor is to a couple who start out with lustful glimpses into a facade and colorful lights of whatever detriment this is a metaphor for (drugs/whatever), and who eventually suffer addiction, disfiguration, and disillusionment. When they are eventually discovered by some mysterious helper, they are able to shakily climb out of their hole and rejoin their families, but as changed people. They say to tell them they fell, in other words, they want to cover up their horrible deeds with a pshaw attitude.

The prose and poeticism in this piece is fine like a beautiful woman, and the description is pretty epic. Although this is an obvious metaphor for drugs and stuff, it's still pretty cute, so I like it. I especially liked the reference to the Surgeon General's cigarette warning in the beginning. All around, this was an entertaining, and deep poem.

I would recommend it to anyone struggling with addiction.

7/10




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:55 am
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Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



Salutations. As Aqua1213 said, I like how you took the idea and made it fun, from a kid's perspective. A few suggestions:

I'll tell you a tale
Of a young boy and me,
How we were lured into a box
By delicious sweets!


I don't really think you need this, or at least not worded this way. Tell the story, as opposed to saying that you will. Show, don't tell.

Forbidden it was,
Forbidden to be,
The sign said "Caution,
Do NOT EAT!"


"Forbidden to be" doesn't really make sense, and it seems kind of unnecessary.

But we didn't read,
We didn't care,
So we took a peek
To see inside!


Isn't there a difference between not reading it and not caring, though? Did they know they weren't supposed to eat it, or did they not, because they couldn't read?

When someone saw
Where we were,
They knew that we,
Were not supposed to be there.


The last line here seems a bit...awkward. It's a lot longer than the others, and seems kind of...bland, perhaps? It's already been established that they're not supposed to be there, so I think you should re-word it.

So, when they saw our little faces,
All dirty with candy and sweets,
We burst down in tears,
Ashamed and in fear,
Fear of the consequences...

But they took us pity,
So when we were halfway,
To see our parents,
We told them "If anyone asks,
Tell them we're fine,
Tell them we fell,
And that we were just playing,
Playing with mud".


Before this, the poem has had a nice structure and rhythm, so it's a bit surprising when it goes to a stanza of five lines and then of eight. Also, I think some of the repeated words here are unnecessary, such as "playing" and "fear".

Besides that, good job with developing the prompt into this! Good luck with any future poems!




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:51 am
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LadySpark wrote a review...



Hi Ary! I'm Spark, and I'll be reviewing you today! :D

Ohhh, you decided to take part in the challenge! That's awesome! :D and this is a great representation of what the challenge was! *high five*

Anyway, to the review.


Of a young boy and me,

I'd switch it around to where it says Of a young boy and I, Proper grammar and all that.

But we didn't read,
We didn't care,

How did they know what it said if they didn't read it?

So we took a peek
To see inside!
[/quote]
I would change this to something like [b]"So we dared to take a peek, to see inside!" It's a lot more exciting that way.

We convinced ourselves
We would just try one!
Oh how naive!
But we couldn't resist!

That is a lot of exclamation points.

When someone saw
Where we were,
They knew that we,
Were not supposed to be there.

This stanza sure is a mouthful!
When someone saw,
we'd entered the forbidden box,
they knew we weren't supposed to be there!

Change up the words, dear. A lot of the same words causes your reader to get really discombobulated.

So, when they saw our little faces,
All dirty with candy and sweets
We burst down in tears,
Ashamed and in fear
of the consequences...

Edited.

Lol, this poem reminded me of Hansel and Gretel.

Anyway, I thought the ending was pure genius! Though, I'm not sure if I like that you instantly get to the point in this poem. Half of me thinks that's just the style of the poem, but another part of me thinks it takes away a bit of the mystery. Maybe you should consider switching it up, and trying to write is a mystically as possible. Only hint at what you mean until the very end. It's fun to do, and you might like that version better than the original!

I thoroughly enjoyed this poem! :D I hope this review helped, and if you have any questions, let me know!




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Sun Feb 24, 2013 12:41 am
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Nook wrote a review...



Aw! Honestly, this is really cute! X3 It reminds me of me and my brother stealing from cookie jars when we were smaller! XD Wow, how cliche. Me, not you!

In fact, even though your theme IS cliche, you made it fun, I suppose.
I loved reading it. It was like a little kid's voice,

But we didn't read,
We didn't care,
So we took a peek
To see inside!


But we couldn't resist!


These were the epitome of "kiddy talk" in your poem. XD Awesome, really.

But I have ONE problem with this. :/

When someone saw
Where we were,
They knew that we,
Were not supposed to be there.


This line seemed a bit awkward. It just stuck out. Like one moment, they were munching on sweets and the other, random people came in? But that's just my opinion. ^^"

Anyways, lovely poem! Keep at it!





The strongest people are not those who show their true strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.
— Unknown