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Mystery Millions Prologue (pI&pII)

by Nyl


January 30 2012

The Writing Corp. New York

Jonathan Russoin his blue V-Neck shirt, black pants and brown leather shoes walked in The Writing Corp.’s event’s hall. His brown eyes roamed around the insides of that hall. The aquamarine shade of paint on the event hall’s insides looked refreshing to his eyes again. There was also a new huge sky-blue crystal chandelier at the center of that aquamarine-colored-ceiling. That old mint-green carpet on the center aisle was replaced with a fresh, blue, floral one.

It has been months since the last time that Jonathan Russo visited New York. And now, everything about New York and the Writing Corp felt a little new to him.

Jonathan was more focused on his obligations in the Philippines as the Writing Corp’s manager. He was too busy that he didn’t even have time to visit in The Writing Corp New York once in a few months.

Jonathan’s eyes caught that familiar figure of a woman who was walking towards him. She was wearing a strapless red dress that reached up to her knees. She had eyeglasses and following behind her was an American man who stands almost six-foot with grayish hair carrying a large reporter-type camera. The woman stood a little over five foot. Her American-white skin glimmered under the light inside that hall. Her short up-to-the shoulders brunette hair and pink lipstick made her look sophisticated. Jonathan could hear the ticking of her high-heeled pointed black shoes as she was moving closer to his direction.

Jonathan Russo smiled to greet that familiar face of a woman. He knew he already saw that woman somewhere on a television news channel. He just forgot what her name was. The small dimple on Jonathan’s left cheek showed as he tried to plaster that friendly smile on his face for a little while. “Hello I’m Kylle Shaw from The New York Castings. Can I have a minute with you Mister Russo?” The woman said in a calm tone. She smiled politely to Jonathan.

Jonathan knew that this woman, just like those other souls inside in this hall, was here forthis big day.

I’mreally sorry but I’m in a hurry right now.” Jonathan Russo said in an apologetic tune, smiling to her. “I’ll see you around though.” He managed to slowly walk away. Even if his body and mind were totally stressed, he tried to talk in the friendliest tone to that woman, he even think he almost sounded like fake.

Kylle Shaw was left standing there with disappointment written on her lovely face.

Jonathan’s heavy footsteps landed on the blue floral carpet on the floor as he continued to walk at the center aisle.

Jonathan knew that Jay Smith Jr. took good care of the Writing Corp.’s New York branch and the happy-go-lucky Rye Smith ran The Writing Corp in Montreal successfully,althoughthis time around, Jonathan was not sure if Junior was doing therightthing.

Jonathan’s feet stopped.

His eyes wandered inside the hall again for a few more moments. The place was filled with random faces. Faces of strangers and some old acquaintances were inside the hall. He saw cameras flashing everywhere.

His right fist clenched as he continued to walk.

The stage which was located at hall’s edge was decorated with lively lights. In front of that stage was a banner saying “The Mystery Millions.” Jonathan’s head shook.Those wordscould hook up more hoaxes to come to this event. Of course, who wouldn’t want the sweet taste and smell of crispy green papers? Who would not want to carry home a sack of dollars?

Jonathan’s head turned everywhere while his eyes seek for Junior. He caught on his sight a few familiar figures from the media.Great,he said in his mind sardonically. There were reporters and even known paparazzi. Jonathan was also aware that there were some cameras flashing at his direction. When his eyes failed to see Junior he decided to go to the backstage to find Jay Smith Jr.


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Thu Sep 16, 2021 4:48 pm
RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Nyl!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

So this was an interesting start to a story. I like how you have introduced your main character here and mostly narrated through his thoughts. It helps us to get familiarized with the character and understand his world better. However there are certain things you could work on.

It has been months since the last time that Jonathan Russo visited New York.

First of all, the tense in this story is a little problematic. The entire story seems to be set in the past tense. However, every now and then you shift to the present tense which not only disrupts the flow of the story but also confuses the reader a bit.

She was wearing a strapless red dress that reached up to her knees. She had eyeglasses and following behind her was an American man who stands almost six-foot with grayish hair carrying a large reporter-type camera. The woman stood a little over five foot. Her American-white skin glimmered under the light inside that hall. Her short up-to-the shoulders brunette hair and pink lipstick made her look sophisticated. Jonathan could hear the ticking of her high-heeled pointed black shoes as she was moving closer to his direction.

Then there is the descriptions. Do not get me wrong, descriptions are always appreciated. But I feel like you got into too much detail while describing the news reporter, especially because she does not even seem to be a significant part of the story and had more of a passing role. It was a little overwhelming to read, especially because that's the place you find a mention of her.

There were a couple of typos and lack of spaces between some words, but those can be considered harmless. Now, plot wise, I will have to say, we don't actually get to know anything. We meet the main character, we understand that he is at some kind of a social event and is looking for Jay Smith Jr. However, other than that we don't really get much information abut what this story is about. First chapters are always about world building and pulling your reader inside your story. I think if you focus a little less in describing people, and concentrate more on following the character into the actual heart of the story then your readers might get some idea.

Nevertheless, I am curios about where this is going.

Keep writing and I hope you have a great day!




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Wed Aug 08, 2012 10:07 pm
EloquentDragon says...



Hey Hei! (I love being able to say that.)

So, first off, I really want to now more about this. It spunds like an interesting, fresh story with a lot of promise.
That being said, the most obvious, glaring mistakes are in the grammar---your tenses get a little confused sometimes and some of the word choice there is a litte...unusual. (For example, "her high heels TICKED" as opposed to "clicked"....did she have a bomb in her shoe? ;) ) Don't sweat it though, grammar is easily fixed, and polishing up with the prose will come with the next drafts.
So my biggest thing with this piece would be the description. You have too much of it. (In the characters, that is, more on the setting later.) It's usually kind of...uh, cheesy to throw in every detail about a character's appearance in the first paragraph. Like you give here, is what we often refer to as a "police description." e.g. "He had blonde hair, blue eyes, wore a hawiian shirt and board shorts, and flip-flops." Not only is this dry and boring, but it screams "amateur!" Another problem you might have in a few instances is what I refer to as the "trash romance descriptions" where the author adds in heaps of adjectives and other literary devices in huge quantities of cliches. For example: "His hair was the color of a sandy beach and swept back from his brow like a tycoon. His eyes were torquise-ocean blue, the color of sapphires." (Although you don't really have that problem here.) The biggest places where over-killed description happen are with Jonathan and the reporter lady. I can wait to find out about the main character, and unless the reporter has a more crucial role, describing her could be cut to the stereotypical: "A burnette in a red tube skirt." But then, you could just give us their actions to describe their personalities, and leave the appearances until later.
Now when it comes to setting description, things are quite vague. Okay, so we know it's New York and the new carpet is some strange shade of blue, but that's about it. Give us a little bit more to firmly establish you location. What type of building is it? What street? Where is he...front lobby? What sort of Corp. is this? Black leather couches, rows of chairs...modern art and bamboo by the window? So give us a little more there.
(There's another small thing. "Corp." although fine in abreviated speech, should be "corporation" in formal or narrative writing, and most certainly not "Corp," which refers to a military division.)

So anyways, that's about it for me for now. Great job, can't wait to see what that huge cash prize and "mystery" mean---I'll keep reading, keep writing!

-ED




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Wed Aug 08, 2012 2:59 am
Tybalt wrote a review...



Hi Hei,

So, I was drawn to this piece because of the title. "Mystery Millions"... I like mystery stories, and while I realize that the use of the word 'mystery' in your title doesn't necessarily mean it is a mystery story, might I just suggest, that if you are writing mystery, pick up something by Agatha Christie, or a Sherlock Holmes book for inspiration (or if you have Netflix just search "Sherlock" or "Poirot" and you should find plenty of inspiration there as well :P)

Onto nitpicks (these are all just my interpretation of what sounds good and is grammatically correct- I'm not an expert):

He was #FF0000 ">too busy that he didn’t even have time to visit #FF0000 ">in The Writing Corp New York once in a few months.


It should be 'so busy', 'not too' busy. Also that 'in' can be moved to between "The Writing Corp" and "New York".

Her short #FF0000 ">up-to-the shoulders brunette hair


I believe that, since hair grows down (unless you have spiky hair or a mohawk..), technically, it should be written 'down to the shoulders'.

those other souls inside #FF0000 ">in this hall,


'In' can be deleted.

he even #FF0000 ">think he almost sounded #FF0000 ">like fake.


You've got a past-tense thing going on. 'Think' is a present tense verb- it should be 'thought'. And as for 'like fake', you could just delete the 'like' and it would sound fine, or change it to 'like a fake' but the way it is sounds funky.

Jonathan’s head turned everywhere while his eyes #FF0000 ">seek for Junior.


Again- this story is mostly dealing with past tenses, here we have the word 'seek', which is a present-tense verb. The past-tense for seek is 'sought'. So, you should definitely change seek to sought, but as for the 'for'... if I was you I'd just delete it, or reword it... 'his eyes sought for Junior'... I guess it makes sense, but it could sound better.

That's it for my nitpicks.

I felt kind of confused after reading this. What is Writing Corp? Who is Jonathan Russo? Why does he need to talk to Jay Smith Jr.? ... of course, this is a prologue... so I don't really expect these questions to be answered...

I guess that's it for now... I'd be glad to review the next installment!





Generally speaking, a howling wilderness does not howl: it is the imagination of the traveler that does the howling.
— Henry David Thoreau