z

Young Writers Society



Skin and Bones

by joshuapaul


A/N: This is for a literary competition. I need serious reviews and critiques as well as nitpicks. Please, please take to it with your cleavers and your sledge-hammers, but leave me with something to work with.

Skin and Bones

Her

Sitting before the mirror, she watched the way her fingers moved through her hair.

“Honey,” she called without moving her eyes, “do you need anything dry-cleaned for Saturday?”

He frowned over the rim of his glasses, then continued reading.

“No, I don’t”

With the boneless grace of a dandelion, she stood up and twisted at the waist. She studied the buttons of her upper spine, her eyes eventually coming to rest on the thing poking out from her silk night shirt. It was a strange thing to her, an anomaly and despite her efforts to will it to lower and smooth over like the perfect skin around it, it refused her. She traced a loose thread of hair behind one ear and reached back over her shoulder, tentatively pressing it with her thumb nail, squashing it and folding it.

She took the green dress hanging from the back of the bedroom door and pinned it to her chest.

He coughed into his fist, folded a business card into his book and shelved it beside the bed with his reading glasses. He laid flat and blinked a few times.

“Are you going to be up much longer?”

“No,” she said absently, “not much longer.”

The following morning she spent cleaning the apartment. After an apple and a glass of green tea for lunch, she took the lift to the basement and took the sedan out for a long drive. After visiting a few boutiques in the city, when lights were coming on and traffic was heaving slowly along, she turned in at the chemist. The pharmacist greeted her by name. She regarded him, smiled and leaned over the counter.

“Can I show you something?”

The white tuft of hair above each eye lifted and he tilted his head to the point that his chin sunk into the dewlaps.

“What is it?”

“It’s on my back,” she said, dropping her bag on the counter. With a shrug her coat fell to her elbows and she gathered her hair to one side. “Can you see it?”

“What am I looking for?”

“The bump, do you see it?”

He adjusted his glasses and frowned at her back. “I see something; it looks like a skin tag. It’s benign, by the looks of it but if you are concerned you should see—”

“No, I’m not concerned. I just want it gone.”

The pharmacist nodded, still frowning. He marched past her, stopped and studied a handful of white boxes from a shelf. He leaned back and held a box out as though he was farsighted then brought it close to his face as though he was near sighted. At last, he held it to her.

Skin tag removal, extra strength, you could try this, it’s simple enough to do at home.”

She arrived home to find him reading the newspaper on the kitchen bench. He had two open boxes of take out and she forked a load from each into her mouth then filled a glass of water and took a few measured sips.

“Is that all you are having?” he asked.

“I can’t eat anymore. Don’t you want me to be skinny for Saturday?”

He swallowed a mouthful of chow-mein before he responded. “You’re skinny enough, don’t be so ridiculous.”

“I’m not, I want to be perfect for the party.”

He eyed her as if an important decision were pending. She looked away.

“Who do you want to impress?”

“No one.”

“You want to impress no one?”

“No,” she said, leaving the room with the paper bag from the chemist.

Him

He heard a door close and sat a little longer, looking still as though an important decision were pending. The television quietly reeled news stories and the rain was beginning to tick against the glass leaving spots that warped and magnified the image of the buildings outside. He pressed his cheek to the window and could see the door open on the side of a yellow taxi. Someone stepped in, a woman or perhaps a man with long hair. He poured a few fingers of whiskey and sipped it a while. Sometime later, he went to the bedroom.

Before he entered, he could hear sobs arrested and swallowed. His eyes found a brown bag torn open, a pressurized canister and a few foam nibs with plastic handles. Absurdly lewd, for she wore only a wedge of satin, yet her eyes were frightful, her arm was chicken-winged behind her and her bones rattled.

“What in the name of god are you doing?”

One of the nibs hissed against her spine.

“Tell me, what are you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re doing nothing?” He asked, his eyes suddenly wide, incredulous.

He pulled her hand away gently. On her back, a fold of skin was changing. It was no longer skin but a chip of casting plaster marbled with red seams rising like tiny veins.

“I just want to get rid of it.”

“Rid of what?”

“The mark on my back: the skin tag.”

He drew her hair away from her damp cheeks. “If it means that much to you, I will do it.”

He scanned the sheet of instructions. A cool cloud rose around his hand and disappeared as he pressed the first nib into the can. He pinched it with the tweezers and stretched it, placing the nib at the base, the stem. Her body tightened, her ribs carved like the bones of a half-built ship.

It shrank and discoloured. He felt cold yet intimate and his hand softly trembled with it. He considered that surgeons must have had that feeling once. The power to change a body. Skin reacting, chemicals, molecules changed. The power to scar.

“You must really love me,” she began, “To do this, to see me like this, you must really love me.”

He didn’t smile or respond. He just continued to work one nib at a time, four in total. When the procedure was complete, it didn’t fall. It had grown, it was inexplicably transformed.

“It’s done. I will sterilize it and cover it. It should come off in the next forty eight hours.”

“It needs to be gone by Saturday.”

“It should be.”

Her

It began to itch the following morning. Wincing, she pressed the scab softly with her finger tips and scratched the skin around it. She rolled onto her back and thrust her pelvis up. As she read the newspaper with her breakfast of a handful of granola and a glass of water, she scratched. It continued throughout the day.

Two more nights, she was going to look perfect. Better than last year, how many of the other wives could say that? And his boss would kiss her hand and tell her how lucky he is. The girl would be there with the blue butterflies inked over her shoulder and hair straight and black as polished jet. When they met a year earlier, they shook hands. She could conjure nothing more than a closed-lip half smile and she sipped her cocktail without looking away as his boss led the girl to meet the other guests with a gentle grip on her elbow like a father and a bride.

The itch continued that evening. She rolled, scratched and picked it. She squeezed it until it hurt. She felt it growing, swelling like a boil. She found the lamp switch and when pulled her hand back over her shoulder. A crust of blood had worked its way beneath the nails.

She left bed and crept to the bathroom. Pink skin haloed the scab. A thin tear of fluid ran like sap from tree bark. She pressed a Band-Aid over it and decided to leave it, because if she did it would be gone by Saturday.

That day she left the bedroom window open. In the afternoon, a burring sound filled the apartment. She considered the refrigerator or perhaps his electric shaver was left running. Yes, that’s it. In the bathroom, the shaver was off.

It grew from a whisper to a drone when she entered the kitchen. Above the sink, a dragonfly beat itself against the window. It was no wider than the span of her hand yet when her eyes found it, fear nailed the soles of her slippers to the hardwood. She watched as it hurled itself again and again against the window.

She shuffled back a few feet then without looking away, reached back into the pantry, found the broom and began forward. She got it with the broom head in one swift joust. The buzzing stopped but the wretched thing’s wings continued to twitch. They folded together then split and beat and folded back together. She disposed of it swiftly with the vacuum cleaner.

He entered. She worked her lip with her teeth and watched him pour two fingers of whiskey then kiss her forehead as he crossed the room to the couch.

The phone rang.

“Hi Mum,” she said as she left the room. He glanced up.

“How are things, dear?”

“Good, Mum. Good,” she said lowering herself upon the bed in the spare room.

“So they are getting better?”

“Things are good.” There was a long pause before her mother spoke.

“Well you tell me if anything changes, okay?”

“Yes Mum.”

She sighed and told her mother she would call her back after the weekend. She told her she had to get ready for a party the next day. Her mother sighed too. She imagined her mother with her arms akimbo and the telephone wedged between ear and shoulder.

“Well, keep in touch; I’m sorry we couldn’t talk a little longer. But call me after the weekend, won’t you?”

“I will,” she said then they said Good-bye.

Rain started as specks then grew to teardrops while she sat. Her jaw become tight and her hands trembled in her lap. It was slightly to the left of her spine. She found it with her finger tips and winced. It began as a light scratch with her thumbnail. The pang made her eyes shine. She worked the tips, the nails of five fingers into the spot. Tomorrow, the party, him, his boss, her it didn’t matter, nothing except the itch. The itch, first and forever. It grew deeper and the itch was proportionate to the pain which grew as she picked and kneaded it.

When she met him, he was dating a girl, whose name she forgot a long time ago. He kissed her and asked her to a party at his parent’s boathouse. They got to drinking with the others. She drank wine and as she stood to leave he took her hand and lead her outside to the lakeside. They sat in the grass and he kissed her and touched her but she moved away. When she looked down and picked pine needles from her dress her long fringe tumbled over her face. He parted it like curtains and pressed his lips against hers and they fell back together.

Her stomach contracted and her head hurt. She watched outside; the rain came down in a steady mist and the clouds came down with it. When she got up, thunder hit like a concussion but she didn’t see lightening.

Him

He didn’t ask her about the call when she walked back into the lounge.

“Oh Martin, you should have seen it,” she said with her hands under the tap.

“Seen what?”

“Today a huge dragonfly came inside. It was this big, I swear. I squashed it with the broom.”

“Where is it?”

“It’s in the vacuum. Isn’t it strange? What business does a dragonfly have here?”

“Sometimes these things find themselves in the wrong places, I suppose.”

That evening, he didn’t move when she slipped into the sheets. He waited until she had settled, until the sound of her head compressing the pillow gave way to the quiet nasal draw of her breath. Then he reached out and pulled her hair back away from her face. As he moved closer and nestled her, she bunched her knees to her chest. He lifted himself on his elbow and kissed her neck.

“Are you ready for tomorrow?” he said but she didn’t answer.

She held her knees and closed her eyes. She reached back and gently pushed him away. He rolled, jerking the covers with him.

“It shouldn’t be like this,” he said before they both became still for a sleepless night.


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Points: 1355
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Wed Jun 27, 2012 7:53 pm
ahhhsmusch wrote a review...



I liked the stylistic approach you took to this story. Personally, I am a fan of characters whose names are not narrated because it adds a sense of objectivity and timelessness, and I like how you switched between the characters. I'm going to try that with a story of my own sometime soon.

Also, the image of the dragonfly unable to get through the glass window was a really strong metaphor. So simple and easy to visualize.

The problem that I have with the story is that the husband's emotions are downplayed too much for his last line to have any grand significance at the end. I like that it is his thoughts that the story ends with, but his frustration could have been built up more throughout the story, especially the frustration that he feels towards his wife that goes beyond just the skin tag, but towards their marriage as a whole. The frustration that results from loving a person that tries to correct what they think they ought to correct about themselves and being unable to change their opinion. The frustration of a lover witnessing the low, weak self-image that their loved one has placed upon themselves and the toll that it has on their psyche. Only his last line of dialogue attempts to illustrate this. The rest of the story only illustrates the husband's direct reactions towards the wife's nitpickings and low self-esteem, but doesn't seem to build anything beyond that.

Anyway, those are my two cents. As I was reading this, I was reminded of Nathaniel Hawthorne's The Birthmark, except that the conflict between the characters is reversed, and instead of the physical death of the woman, the death of the relationship is at hand.

Ahhhsmusch




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Mon Jun 25, 2012 1:08 am
Master_Yoda wrote a review...



Hey JP,

I don't suppose I will ever convince you to trade in your stylistic approach for a more story driven one. That's a pity really, because you write rhythmically strong prose, and I think you would make a great storyteller if you were willing to stoop to the level of us mortals.

I noticed your usage of the dragonfly as a mirror to the little skin imperfection that represents a great problem, when in fact the relationship between her and him seems to be deteriorating. Kind of like a human lack of perspective. It's a philosophical musing, though hardly deserving of the attention you give it. Furthermore, the vagueness in the imagery of your writing makes me doubtful that I comprehended its contents in their entirety.

I also didn't feel any emotion as I read the story. Even with your highly attentive eye as a writer, I was left just thinking, "oh". The character interactions were all mild and understated and on the whole just not very interesting. There was little conflict, especially given that I never empathized with "her" in the least. I can only assume that the namelessness and facelessness is because you want to highlight the generality of the philosophy.

You described like a poet with a million pens, but there was really no feeling in your ink. Writing about simple life with simple characters will not be able to impress, because readers want something special and unique, even with a somewhat intriguing philosophical premise.

While your way with words is wonderful, you must stop relying so heavily on it and become willing to take several risks to transcend the poetic deadlock you have maintained with your balanced and exacting writing.

You said to leave you something to work with. You have what to work with. I suggest changing up the characters and turning them into weirdos. Even if it does draw attention away from the philosophical premise of your story, it will make it far more intriguing to read.

This is my advice.




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Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:15 pm
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Lava wrote a review...



Hi JP!

It's lovely to see something from you.

I have a weird sense of deja vu which I'm not going to prod.

I like the style. However, at certain places while reading through, I kind of got the feel of a little over-importance to style. That's probably good, but it made me stop and broke the flow which is not what you would have wanted, I assume.

The bit with the 'white tuft of hair' seemed like description for the sake of description. Nix it? Or maybe alter it if so that ot doesn't jarr too much?

"When she got up, thunder hit like a concussion but she didn’t see lightening.
"
Lightning(sp?)
Also. This sentence is very very true. I love how you wordified the feel.

"Skin reacting, chemicals, molecules changed."
This was one sentence which I didn't like. Something about its position made it seem superifcial? I'm not very articulate, but it was weird for me.

I'm a bit hemophobic, so the whole scratching made me wince. Not sure if that was intended, it maybe just me. It's... in a good way.

When you say "He entered; phone rang", I kind of got the feeling of jumping over an abyss. It felt odd. Like I went to reread if I skipped something. Kind of a lurch-feel. Maybe add a line or two in the middle? I'm not sure how much of a word-restriction you have here.


Maybe I'm a bit thick, but what is this Skin Tage you refer to? I'd love to let you know of what my head thinks of, once the jumble is cleared up.

On the whole, I really like how well blended the story and the style, albeit at a few places which can be overlooked. And, good luck. Hope this helped.

Cheers,
Lava




Lava says...


Yikeses. Sorry for the double.



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Fri Jun 22, 2012 3:15 pm
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Lava says...



Hi JP!

It's lovely to see something from you.

I have a weird sense of deja vu which I'm not going to prod.

I like the style. However, at certain places while reading through, I kind of got the feel of a little over-importance to style. That's probably good, but it made me stop and broke the flow which is not what you would have wanted, I assume.

The bit with the 'white tuft of hair' seemed like description for the sake of description. Nix it? Or maybe alter it if so that ot doesn't jarr too much?

"When she got up, thunder hit like a concussion but she didn’t see lightening.
"
Lightning(sp?)
Also. This sentence is very very true. I love how you wordified the feel.

"Skin reacting, chemicals, molecules changed."
This was one sentence which I didn't like. Something about its position made it seem superifcial? I'm not very articulate, but it was weird for me.

I'm a bit hemophobic, so the whole scratching made me wince. Not sure if that was intended, it maybe just me. It's... in a good way.

When you say "He entered; phone rang", I kind of got the feeling of jumping over an abyss. It felt odd. Like I went to reread if I skipped something. Kind of a lurch-feel. Maybe add a line or two in the middle? I'm not sure how much of a word-restriction you have here.


Maybe I'm a bit thick, but what is this Skin Tage you refer to? I'd love to let you know of what my head thinks of, once the jumble is cleared up.

On the whole, I really like how well blended the story and the style, albeit at a few places which can be overlooked. And, good luck. Hope this helped.

Cheers,
Lava




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Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:47 am
Butterfly18 wrote a review...



I read a piece a while ago from you with the same problem, a 'skin tag' she wants removed, but it's a bit different, and was titled 'Skin Tag' if I remember correctly.

I think this seems a bit more developed than the piece I remember, but a little more subtlety in my opinion would make this better.

Just my thoughts. :)




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Wed Jun 20, 2012 1:51 pm
Kit says...



"Peeling" from 'The Fat Man in History' by Peter Carey, "The Feather Pillow" by Horatio Quiroga, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, the opening of 'The Body Artist', by Don Delillo. If these are not already your influences, they really should be. The Body Artist starts with this breakfast scene, slipping between the two perspectives through the ownership of different things, the radio is his, but the weather reports are hers. It uses minute observations, following their train of thought. Later, Delillo's style was dubbed 'hysterical realism', and it became omphaloskeptic, or for the cheap seats, he got lost up his own ass. Why is this important to you? Well, you are in no way colon deep, and I certainly don't follow lilymoore's 'wordiness' thing, the style is stronger than the substance, but it is in itself a substance, has weight and meaning. But if you favour style, it is the risk you take, and particularly when you are communicating to a set audience, such as a competition panel. I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark, and say the panel won't be entirely comprised of writers, and even if they are they may appreciate some clarity. With this word limit you have no room to fudge around, everything has to serve the story.

I would eliminate the 'Him/Her'. There isn't an obvious change in tone, pace or perspective, just tone, and that stands on it own. Also it makes me think of towels too much.

Sitting before the mirror, she watched the way her fingers moved through her hair.


One note: "moved" isn't weak in this context because it quickly establishes her and [/i] her body[/i] as two unique and separate entities. By having her watch them move I am removing the connection, the control she has over them -- Her body and her unhappiness with it is central to the plot. I think alarm bells go off when a simple verb is used but in this case I think it fits.


Before I read your comment here, that was exactly the impression I got from the opening line, that dreamlike dissociation. Subtle, and not at all Evil Dead 2. Congratulations, the voices in your head did good.

“Honey,” she called without moving her eyes, “do you need anything dry-cleaned for Saturday?”
He frowned over the rim of his glasses, then continued reading.
“No, I don’t”


I am glad that you decided to have naturalistic dialogue. It gives the story space and verisimilitude.

With the boneless grace of a dandelion, she stood up and twisted at the waist. She studied the buttons of her upper spine, her eyes eventually coming to rest on the thing poking out from her silk night shirt.


First sentence I love, the second I really do not. 'Buttons of her upper spine' is somehow awkward and not a clear image, less is more, I think, likewise 'the thing poking out from her silk night shirt', from the first to the second sentence there is too much of a difference in tone, it is jarring, and this is where it feels more colon-bound, and less knife of genius to the back of the skull. The rest of the story really creeps up on you, go slow on this one, have faith, give it space, we will follow you.


It was a strange thing to her, an anomaly and despite her efforts to will it to lower and smooth over like the perfect skin around it, it refused her. She traced a loose thread of hair behind one ear and reached back over her shoulder, tentatively pressing it with her thumb nail, squashing it and folding it.


Likewise, I think you can stay outside with this, describe her physically picking at it and less about how disturbed at first, then work into it. Probably could be achieved by swapping those two sentences actually. Keep a tight grip on the pulse, have a sense of sentence length and how you want the audience to feel, actively control the pace to support the changes in mood. Also it is a good way to pimp your mad tight writing skills, as they say at Oxford.


He coughed into his fist, folded a business card into his book and shelved it beside the bed with his reading glasses. He laid flat and blinked a few times.


I don't get a strong sense of him as a character, but then I don't think I'm supposed to. He is the Man by the Name of Ziegler, only he learned not to put stuff in his mouth.

After an apple and a glass of green tea for lunch, she took the lift to the basement and took the sedan out for a long drive. After visiting a few boutiques in the city, when lights were coming on and traffic was heaving slowly along, she turned in at the chemist.


Meh. Large meh. Justify it, I am all ears.

The white tuft of hair above each eye lifted and he tilted his head to the point that his chin sunk into the dewlaps.


This description, while slightly objectify-y, rocks my respective socks off.

This review is to be continued, and I am sorry for that, but I am a woman, a woman with needs, and one of those needs is Luciano Berio.




Kit says...


I would eliminate the 'Him/Her'. There isn't an obvious change in tone, pace or perspective, just tone, and that stands on it own. Also it makes me think of towels too much.


Just focus, I meant, sorry, I am quite, quite sleep deprived.



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Wed Jun 20, 2012 12:47 am
lilymoore says...



Hey there, Joshua. Well, since this seems pretty important to you, I’ll cut all the chit chat and just get straight to the review.

Anyways, here are some nitpicks.

She sat on the carpet before the full mirror with her cheek propped on her knee watching the way her fingers moved through her hair.


The opening sentence or line of a piece has to be able to hook and grab a reader pretty quickly. But this line ended up leaving me a bit muddled more than anything else. It’s very wordy and it has a pretty high number of female pronouns (5 total) that make it a bit hard to understand.

Another thing, “moved” seems like a very weak verb. It’s not anything serious but I think you could definitely find a more expressive verb.

She traced a loose thread of hair behind one ear and reached back over her shoulder, tentatively pressing it with her thumb nail, squashing it and folding it.


When I read this sentence, it definitely sounded at first like the hair was what she was squashing and not the skin tag. It’s worded rather clumsily and could use some cleaning up.

The white tuft of hair above each eye lifted and he tilted his head to the point that his chin sunk into the dewlaps.


I just wanted to say that I love that italicized bit. It’s definitely a very different way to describe someone’s eyebrows, that’s for sure.

He leaned back and held a box out as though he was farsighted then brought it close to his face as though he was near sided and at last held it out to her.


This is again very wordy. You’ve over described the situation and goes from feeling creative to analytical. Leave a little to the reader imagination.

She arrived home to find him reading the newspaper at the bench.


“at” would sound better as “on” here.

A brown bag tore open, a pressurized canister and a few foam nibs with plastic handles.


This isn’t actually a sentence, just a list. Try making sure that a sentence has both a subject and a verb. It seemed a bit clumsy when I read it because it seemed rather incomplete.

The itch came back that evening. She rolled and let the covers… turned and glared over her shoulder. It sat between the blades, where the skin tag had been.


This entire paragraph is super repetitive and I don’t know how I feel about it. On the one hand, it’s really different and I can definitely see what you were trying to do there. But on the other hand, it is definitely different which makes it stand out.


Overall:

The biggest thing overall that I saw about your piece is the face that you definitely over described the situations. A lot of the situations here could have been cut down dramatically in wordiness. With that much description, it’s really hard to remember so many facts. It can make a the piece seem bogged down with words.

Take some time to go through and highlight all of the descriptives in the piece in something like Microsoft Word. Then, when you’ve highlighted all of them, zoom out and take a look at the whole piece. Then go back through and remove like, a third of the highlighted descriptives. Doing something like this will help lighten the piece and help it breathe I guess if that makes sense.


Otherwise, I like the way you produced tension between the couple. The flashback that talked about the two when they were younger was a nice change of pace and the tone shifted for just a nice, tight moment that I really enjoyed.

Anyways, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave me a message on my wall.




joshuapaul says...


Thanks lily moore.

One note: "moved" isn't weak in this context because it quickly establishes her and [/i] her body[/i] as two unique and separate entities. By having her watch them move I am removing the connection, the control she has over them -- Her body and her unhappiness with it is central to the plot. I think alarm bells go off when a simple verb is used but in this case I think it fits.

Everything is was very helpful and thank you again.



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Tue Jun 19, 2012 10:42 pm
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HorriBliss wrote a review...



First off, I really enjoyed this piece, absolutely great what you've done here! The contrast between the two characters is apparent, and the tone is very much aloof, as in 'the damage is done, here if the aftermath'. It felt very much like a relationship that had been torn apart - if you've ever seen the movie 'Blue Valentine' that's the best comparison I can make. However, there were slight slip-ups here and there, but nothing to detract majorly away from the story.
Since this is the longest review I've done on the site so far I'll just do two sections: 'likes and dislikes' to speed things up!

Dislikes
"She stood with the boneless grace of a dandelion" - this line I really didn't understand the image you were going for, if you meant swaying, sort of, half-dancing, infront of the mirror, then I can kinda see the image, but not really if I'm honest. To me I got the impression of her arching her back and studying herself in the mirror, but to me it felt quite forced, which is never a good thing to see - sorry.
"She studied the buttons of her upper spine," - I'm pretty sure that you meant "on her upper spine", unless of course, you were referring to those spinal discs in which case I'd still change this line as it confused me slightly and detracted from the story.

"She visited a few boutiques, and then, when lights were coming on and traffic was a heaving puffing beast that crept just one block at a time, she visited the chemist that was open late where she was greeted by name. She regarded the pharmacist, leaned over the counter and spoke." - this is probably down to personal preference but I felt the first sentence stretched far too long, my recommendation is to shorten it down, from her travelling and then the chemist itself, again this is probably just down to personal preference. With regard to the second sentence, I didn't think the use of "regarded" was the best word to use. I'm pretty sure you were trying to capture a, sort of, callous tone, but to me, personally, maybe a word like 'noted' or 'acknowledged' would fit the sentence better - again that's probably personal preference.

"The television quietly reeled news stories and the rain was beginning to tick against the glass leaving spots that warped and magnified the image of the buildings outside and when Martin pressed his cheek to the window and he could see the door open on the side of a yellow taxi and someone step in, it could be a woman or a man with long hair." - gah! There's too damn much going on in here for just one sentence, to the point that it gets hard-to-follow! I think after "... image of the buildings outside" there should be a full-stop and then: "Martin pressed his cheek..." However, there also seems to be some issue with the sentence afterward: "it could be a woman or a man with long hair", I think 'could' should be changed to 'possibly' or 'perhaps', and after woman there should be a comma.

"She scratched as she sat at the couch watching TV and when she drove to the gym, in the afternoon, she rolled from one shoulder to the over pushing her back into the seat." - just a grammar point, it should read: "she rolled from one shoulder to the other, pushing back into the seat."

"Two more sleeps," - if she is married, I assume she is not ten, so the use of this word baffled me; perhaps "Two more nights"? I suppose it could stay, but to me it just seemed a very juvenile way to describe a night's sleep (maybe I'm just a snob :'))

"When they met a year earlier, they shook hands with cocked wrists like old woman." - grammar point: "they shook hands with cocked wrists like old women" PLURAL not singular.

"“Hi Mum,” she said as she left the rom. He glanced up." - should be "room", not "rom"

"“I will,” she said without commitment then they said Good-bye and hung up." - again, probably just personal preference here, but I think you should switch 'commitment' for something else, it's just, I don't picture anyone saying "I will" with commitment. Maybe 'conviction' or 'going through the motions' would be more suited, but commitment just had me wondering.

"He didn’t move when she slipped into the sheets. He waited a while until she had settled, until the burring sound of her head sinking into the pillow gave way to their breathing." - I think sentence structure needs to be addressed here, "until the sound of her burrying her head, sinking intot he pillow gave way..." Also, the misspelling of "burrying".

Likes

"The white tuft of hair above each eye lifted and he tilted his head to the point that his chin sunk into the dewlaps." - I enjoyed this a lot more than I had any right too! I learned a new word in 'dewlaps' and noticed it had the double effect of dehumanising the chemist, which to me, seems a perfect trait in the mind of the (seemingly) egotistic protaganist.

"He leaned back and held a box out as though he was farsighted then brought it close to his face as though he was near sighted and at last, held it out to her." - I loved this simile and it's great to really capture the movement of the chemist, so well done!

"A thin tear of fluid ran like sap from tree bark." - yuck! A disgusting image, but effective, very effective to capture the thick fluid and also the 'bark-like' skin.

I know the 'negative' outweighs the 'positive' in this review but that is in no way reflective of the phenomenal piece you have here. Again, I find it excells in many ways, with just a few minor mishaps preventing it from showing its true strength. The impression I got of the man is power-hungry and greedy, and of the woman is self-centered but oh-so concerned with how others view her - very Daisy Buchanan, in fact. The third person narration worked a treat, remaining objective and truly catching the apparent apathetic sentiment.

[Sorry if I seemed harsh in this review, I really didn't mean to, and good luck for the competition, let me know how you get on!]




joshuapaul says...


Thanks a lot, very thorough. And please don't apologise, you weren't harsh at all.

I will just make a couple of clarifications.
-'She stood with the boneless grace of a dandelion' refers to how she stands from a seated position. So perhaps it would be more comprehensible if I changed it to "She stood [b]up[/i] with the boneless...""

- burring is onomatopoeia, it describes the sound that you hear when a pillow is compressed. But in truth, it probably is the wrong word.

Other than that, a very sound review. Thank you again.




If you can't get out of your comfort zone, you'll never find what you're looking for. Don't make things quick and easy to feel better short term. Make a change and then you'll feel better longer term.
— Frinderman