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What's Wrong With Me...? Chapter 1

by TazmaniaGirl


What's Wrong With Me?

Chapter 1

" Mom, dad, please?" Ella begged.

Her father grunted, and her mother sighed.

" NO, ELLA. We've all ready filled in the Devorce sheets, and were splitting up. Stop moaning".

Ella laughed weakly.

" Did you even think to enclude me in this?"

" No, because we knew this was how you'd react" her mother snapped, and Ella growled.

Ella opened the front door.

" Mom, dad isn't the only one leaving".

" Ella get you backside back in here!" her mother screeched.

Ella walked donw the street, watching passing cars and the sun set. This was her favourite time of the evening, it was a relaxed atmosphere. Ella spotted Mandy on the other side of the road, and she waved.

" Ella?! Hi! Let me cross!".

Ella screamed a no, as a big Hummer sped round the corner, and carried on driving.

But Ella was to late. There was a massive smack, and The Hummer hit the brakes. He jumped out the car, and knelt down.

" OH crap! Did I hit someone... no..."

Ella burst into tears.

Had her best mate really just got hit.

Ella didn't even want to see. A pool of blood surrounded the wheel, and Ella screamed.

" No..no...no..."

" Calm down, please!" the man struggled to say.


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Wed Oct 27, 2021 12:01 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy....well, this started off strong and tapered off towards the end a bit, but as far as a first chapter its got that shock value that can get a reader hooked and it seems like an interesting premise that we have here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

" Mom, dad, please?" Ella begged.

Her father grunted, and her mother sighed.

" NO, ELLA. We've all ready filled in the Devorce sheets, and were splitting up. Stop moaning".

Ella laughed weakly.

" Did you even think to enclude me in this?"


Okay....something I notice right off the bat is that there are quite a few spelling errors there. Usually I don't point those out unless they make it harder to understand the story, but here there's enough mistakes that it ends up making the meaning warp a little. So take a second look there. Other than that, a powerful conversation to start off with here. It definitely is the sort that gets your attention rather quickly.

" No, because we knew this was how you'd react" her mother snapped, and Ella growled.

Ella opened the front door.

" Mom, dad isn't the only one leaving".

" Ella get you backside back in here!" her mother screeched.


Okay...this dialogue is pretty good here. Its telling us a decent bit about the personalities of these characters and just the general sort of dynamic that exists in this house. It is good to see that sort of thing at the very first chapter like this.

Ella walked donw the street, watching passing cars and the sun set. This was her favourite time of the evening, it was a relaxed atmosphere. Ella spotted Mandy on the other side of the road, and she waved.

" Ella?! Hi! Let me cross!".

Ella screamed a no, as a big Hummer sped round the corner, and carried on driving.

But Ella was to late. There was a massive smack, and The Hummer hit the brakes. He jumped out the car, and knelt down.


OKay...wow, well to have that happen to someone right after what just happened moments earlier is just another level of horrible luck, oh wow, this one wastes no time in jumping righ to the most horrible options here doesn't it. Well...this chapter here continues to be more and more interesting.

" OH crap! Did I hit someone... no..."

Ella burst into tears.

Had her best mate really just got hit.

Ella didn't even want to see. A pool of blood surrounded the wheel, and Ella screamed.

" No..no...no..."

" Calm down, please!" the man struggled to say.


This part kind of dissolves into the void a bit I think. The dialogue starts to make a little less sense, the description dries up and given the magnitude of what just happened, it feels like something is missing here and the ending is also a bit on the abrupt side of things.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is not a bad first chapter, in fact there are quite a few good parts, but especially towards the end, it needs to improved a bit before it can really do its job well. At any rate though, I think its interesting enough at least for me to want to read more of this story. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon May 14, 2012 2:23 pm
nikkikajeh says...






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Sun May 13, 2012 7:37 pm
DarkDaughter wrote a review...



Hey, I think you've got a good idea here but it needs some fine tuning.

First of all there is a few spelling and grammar mistakes, especially at the beginning. For example 'Devorce' should be 'divorce'. Also, it's extremely fast. One moment Ella is screaming at her parents, and then the next moment she is screaming at her possibly dead friend. You could explain a lot more between those two points, the scenery, the characters, why things have or are happening, and especially the story. It also ends very abruptly. I'm not sure whether it is because you only put up this extract or if it is actually your whole chapter, but you could add on what happens after the man says to calm down.

But otherwise you have a really good idea going on here and I do want to know what happens next and for me, that is important in a story - to have the intense feeling that leaves you turning the page again and again. Keep up the good work :) x




TazmaniaGirl says...


Thank you, I will try to edit and change possible points of more explaination ;)



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Sun May 13, 2012 3:04 pm
TazmaniaGirl says...



Please, tell me, or review what ever you think!





The only way of knowing a person is to love them without hope.
— Walter Benjamin