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Smash Ville.

by TazmaniaGirl


Chapter 1

Miranda shot up, her face pouring with sweat, her hair wet also. She wiped her face with her small, delicate hands, and glanced over to the clock on her bed-side table.

12:10am.

She sighed, and crept out of bed.

Everything had changed since her mom died. Her dad left her two months back, and ever since, Miranda had been trying to cope by herself.

She had to admit, it wasn't easy.Making dinner for one person was tricky, and she hated being alone.

Suddenly, he heard a tap at the door, and un-kind words. Had someone been knocking for a while? Maybe that was what woke her.

She hooked the latch, and opened the door slowly.

A dark figure, someone she couldn't make out, was standing right in front of her.

" Miranda? Honey, let me in".

Her father?

No...

" Please, let me in. It's been a long flight from LA.."

" No dad. I'm not letting you in. You deserted me, I'm deserting you".

It was a good thing she'd put the latch on, as her father tried to barge in. She slammed the door in his face, and double checked she'd locked the door.

No way IN hell was her father being let in.

He was a nasty piece of work, and she wasn't letting him ANYWHERE near the house. Well, inside the house.

" MIRANDA!"

" No!" she screeched, and kicked the door.

He wasn't going to leave.

" I'll call the cops!"

" Oh no you bloody won't!"

" Oh, I will!".

Silence.

Miranda struggled back up the stairs, and into her warm bed. Her dad culd keep banging, but she wasn't giving in. He'd done this in the past, and she was sick of it.


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Tue Oct 26, 2021 10:55 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: So this was a pretty solid first chapter. For the most part it managed to catch my interesting and then keep it pretty well. The ending also looks rather good there, it has enough to make someone want to keep reading.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Miranda shot up, her face pouring with sweat, her hair wet also. She wiped her face with her small, delicate hands, and glanced over to the clock on her bed-side table.

12:10am.

She sighed, and crept out of bed.

Everything had changed since her mom died. Her dad left her two months back, and ever since, Miranda had been trying to cope by herself.

She had to admit, it wasn't easy.Making dinner for one person was tricky, and she hated being alone.


Okay...a little heavy on the exposition there to start with, but it does somehow manage to maintain the flow since you start right out of the gate with the exposition, so while the start is a teensy bit on the nose, it certainly does catch your attention and for the most, it does manage to be a pretty great start here.

Suddenly, he heard a tap at the door, and un-kind words. Had someone been knocking for a while? Maybe that was what woke her.

She hooked the latch, and opened the door slowly.

A dark figure, someone she couldn't make out, was standing right in front of her.

" Miranda? Honey, let me in".

Her father?

No...

" Please, let me in. It's been a long flight from LA.."

" No dad. I'm not letting you in. You deserted me, I'm deserting you".


Okay...so we have ourselves a bit of a confrontation of sorts. It looks like some serious tension is certainly building up there if some of the words exchanged are meant to mean anything. Well, this is certainly getting off to quite the start right here...and that's great to see.

It was a good thing she'd put the latch on, as her father tried to barge in. She slammed the door in his face, and double checked she'd locked the door.

No way IN hell was her father being let in.

He was a nasty piece of work, and she wasn't letting him ANYWHERE near the house. Well, inside the house.

" MIRANDA!"

" No!" she screeched, and kicked the door.

He wasn't going to leave.


That definitely escalated even quicker than I anticipated and well it certainly makes for a really interesting moment there as things just continuously manage to get worse with little snippets of backstory getting tossed out afterwards. That sort of thing works a lot better than the start which had a little too much information.

" I'll call the cops!"

" Oh no you bloody won't!"

" Oh, I will!".

Silence.

Miranda struggled back up the stairs, and into her warm bed. Her dad culd keep banging, but she wasn't giving in. He'd done this in the past, and she was sick of it.


Okayy...well you can see the police calling thing is a somewhat empty threat there and the tone of voice used does suggest how this is something that happens rather often and this person happens to be quite sick of it.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this makes for a good start I think. It does have a couple of minor issues scattered about, but other than that, this is pretty good, its interesting enough that I'd probably read more :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat May 12, 2012 7:17 pm
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guineapiggirl wrote a review...



"Miranda shot up, her face pouring with sweat, her hair wet also. She wiped her face with her small, delicate hands, and glanced over to the clock on her bed-side table.
12:10am."

Brilliant start. Only bad thing- it makes it sound like she's woken from a dream. Say in the next line, what had woken her up? or something of the sort. And then you could say something like 'She heard another knock on the door/The door-bell rang again. That was what had woken her.'
D'you think?
It's just that later on I was like 'oh, someone wants to see her.
And then the other bit that could have done with work was;
"Had he just asked to be invited in?
No... he wouldn't be...
Was he a... Vampire?"

I don't get how she worked that out. I was like- what??? He's a vampire? You could have said that he looked paler then when she'd last seen him, that there was a strange glint in his eye... Something of the sort.
And, I take it vampires is the main plot of the story? Perhaps we shouldn't go straight into this and instead have something like an introduction to her life (how difficult it is, how she's hiding the fact that she's alone at school in case social services get involved or something) and then in the second chapter have this stuff?
Anyway, I like your writing style loads and I thought your dialogue was really gripping. I enjoyed reading it, I think you basically need to just take it slower and re-read it as if you don't know what's going on and think 'does this make sense? Can the reader follow what's happening?'
Other then that, bravo.




TazmaniaGirl says...


I'll edit, I was in a rush :)



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Points: 926
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Sat May 12, 2012 2:26 pm
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sarah2014grad says...



Are you looking for a review? I can give you one if you would like...




sarebear says...


I think people are always looking for reviews, Sarah!



TazmaniaGirl says...


Yeah, I want a review. I was in a rush and I forgot to add and change little things. Thank you! :)




But if he hadn't said that, Bear Thompson wouldn't have been himself.
— CaptainJack