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Being The New Girl

by TazmaniaGirl


Chapter 1

Sam took a step towards a building, apparently her new " School".

Here we go, she thought nervously. She pulled open the front doors, to find people opening lockers, people running up and down hallways.

Typical, she thought.

She hoisted her bag high on her shoulder, and set off to the Principles' office.

" Planner, Timetable, Map" a stern man instructed, and Sam looked down at the man's hands. She took them into her own shaking hands, and walked off quickly, not even bothering to look behind her. No way was she going to say goodbye to that creep. But, after all, he was the Principle.

She hurried down what seemed like endless hallways, and managed to find her way to her first class.

Sam sat on her bed listening to her MP3, nodding her head in time with the music. Suddenly, someone tapped her on her shoulder. She looked up, and took her earplugs out.

" Sorry, just listing to my...nevermind. Hi, I'm Sam" Sam spoke, giving the girl a " Pleased" look.

The girl smiled.

" Hi, Sam, I'm Darcy, Darcy Wells".

Sam nodded, blushing red.

" There's 3 other roommates here, Emma, Aimee, and Chelsea. They are soo kind, trust me".

Sam nodded again.

Darcy reached out to the door handle, as three flustered girls piled in.

" Shut the door, shut the door!" one of the girls demanded, and Darcy nodded. She slammed it shut, just as someone stood in front of it. To make sure they wouldn't come in, Darcy locked it too.

"Hi, I'm Sam, Sam Waltz. I'm new, and I'm your roommate".

All the girls smiled, and greeted her with, " Hi", and " It's great too see a new face".

Everyone seemed so nice.

But that's what YOU think...


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Wed Oct 27, 2021 11:24 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so this was a kind of not bad but also not particularly good start here to this story. As a first chapter it sort of works, but it needs quite a few changes here and there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Sam took a step towards a building, apparently her new " School".

Here we go, she thought nervously. She pulled open the front doors, to find people opening lockers, people running up and down hallways.

Typical, she thought.

She hoisted her bag high on her shoulder, and set off to the Principles' office.

" Planner, Timetable, Map" a stern man instructed, and Sam looked down at the man's hands. She took them into her own shaking hands, and walked off quickly, not even bothering to look behind her. No way was she going to say goodbye to that creep. But, after all, he was the Principle.


OKay....the transition there from entering the school to the principal's office is a little bit jarring, but its a good opening scene there. There's a really nice sense of slight mystery in the way some of these points are set up and I think that makes for a really interesting start here to this first chapter.

She hurried down what seemed like endless hallways, and managed to find her way to her first class.

Sam sat on her bed listening to her MP3, nodding her head in time with the music. Suddenly, someone tapped her on her shoulder. She looked up, and took her earplugs out.

" Sorry, just listing to my...nevermind. Hi, I'm Sam" Sam spoke, giving the girl a " Pleased" look.

The girl smiled.


Alright, a little bit of a rushed entrance to the character, but then it also sort of does manage to work for the situation that we are talking about here, so this is a nice little start to a conversation here. I feel like perhaps these characters are maybe supposed to be the important ones for the story.

" Hi, Sam, I'm Darcy, Darcy Wells".

Sam nodded, blushing red.

" There's 3 other roommates here, Emma, Aimee, and Chelsea. They are soo kind, trust me".

Sam nodded again.

Darcy reached out to the door handle, as three flustered girls piled in.


A little bit rushed there again, and this time with so many new characters just walking into the picture it once again comes off as a little rushed and a bit jarring to read. I feel like you need to work quite a bit on making those transitions a bit smoother, but otherwise these is a decent first chapter here.

" Shut the door, shut the door!" one of the girls demanded, and Darcy nodded. She slammed it shut, just as someone stood in front of it. To make sure they wouldn't come in, Darcy locked it too.

"Hi, I'm Sam, Sam Waltz. I'm new, and I'm your roommate".

All the girls smiled, and greeted her with, " Hi", and " It's great too see a new face".

Everyone seemed so nice.

But that's what YOU think...


Okayy...a bit of a fourth wall break there at the end? I'm a little confused as to what the YOU might be referring to and the ending is not the greatest but I do think is maybe just enough to keep a reader interested in finding out more.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is not a bad start here. I think you've done a pretty good job for the most part especially with some of those dialogue, but there is a lot of work to be done with some of those transitions and the introductions to these characters. This also suffers quite a bit from a serious lack of some descriptions to create a setting. So a few things to look into here, but its not bad. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon May 07, 2012 11:43 pm
sarahjane97 wrote a review...



Hi TazmaniaGirl! Sarah here to review. :)

Contrary to what purplellamas37 said, I don't think this is "not good, not good." Gauranteed, it isn't PERFECT, but nothing is. There's always room for improvement, and the YWS community is here to help.

So, here's what I think so far:

I like the idea. New girl. Boarding school. LOTS of room for conflict and excitement. However, just be careful to avoid the cliches like, "the rich snobby boarding school girls picking on the poor nice new girl". That's been done time and time again. Make sure to flesh out your characters as the story progresses, so it's believable.

However, the thing that needs the most improvement here is the pace. One paragraph Sam is outside her school. The next she's in the principal's office. Now she's in her dorm. The story moves so fast, it's difficult for the reader to comprehend what's going on. For example, I missed a.) who Sam is, how old she is, why she's there, etc. b.) WHY her principal is a creep and c.) that her school is a boarding school. (I thought it was just a regular school until the last paragraph). I suggest that you take the time to slow things down, provide a character background, and describe the setting. It would give the reader a chance to absorb what's going on.

Okay, now that I'm done with giving advice, here's what I like about this chapter:

1.) Good job on the dialogue. It's very easy to read and believable. I struggle a lot with dialogue flow, so congrats!
2.) Nice grammer and spelling (errors like that bug me (>.<")), so nice work!
3.) As I said before, I like the openess of this plot. There's a lot of ways you could go with this story.
4.) CLIFFHANGER!!! OMG!!! "But that's what YOU think" is about as cliffhanger-ish as you can get! I want to find out more! :D

Anyway, that's about all I can say about this first chapter. I hope that my advice and suggestions are helpful!




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Mon May 07, 2012 9:12 pm
purplellamas37 says...



... Not good, not good. Work on it.





“Hope” is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul - And sings the tune without the words - And never stops - at all -
— Emily Dickinson