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Innocent Beauty

by TheDayBeforeTomorrow


The edited version:

It was a bright, fresh morn;

I stepped outside
And took a deep breath
Of the morning air
So light and crisp
It was hardly there
When I saw Her:
An Innocent Beauty,
Pure as can be,
Dancing in the light breeze.

Her beauty rivaled Venus’,
Her chastity Diana’s;
Her simplicity
Was the embodiment
Of homely Vesta;
Looking for all the world
Created by Proserpine herself;
And she winked at me
As I stood there,
Gaping like a fool
At her Exquisiteness.  

She stole my heart
With just a smile;
I was mesmerized
And drawn forward
As by an invisible thread
To pluck her off
And carry her inside.
But alas! The world is cruel;
When it finds true beauty,
No matter how miniscule,
It is jealously destroyed
Without a second thought.

She was battered, ignored,
Crushed underfoot,
Fawned over
And then left in a corner;
Till upon her petals
Settled dust and grime;
Her scent marred
By the wreaths of odor
We are so accustomed to;
Her freshness slowly
Faded away
Till she was nothing but
A withered bloom,
The first of spring:
First to come,
First to go.

And so is the state of
Innocent Beauty
In our hurried world;
Where none stop
To marvel at a rainbow,
To gaze at the stars,
To truly treasure
The Finer Things In Life-
Which are Seen,
And Praised,
Then quickly Forgotten.

They are tossed around;
Their Beauty marred,
Their Naiveté a jest,
Till there are none left
And the world wonders
What happened to
The Innocent Beauty’s.


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170 Reviews


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Reviews: 170

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Thu Apr 24, 2014 6:14 pm
deleted5 wrote a review...



Hey there Day! Alex here for my first review in a long time!
Wow! Lots and lots of really interesting language in this poem! Pretty much every phrase seemed thought out and planned. I also love how the whole thing is actually a message about (I think) how beauty in the world is admired but then forgotten, ignored and destroyed after we have got bored of it or start taking it for granted.
The second stanza I think was very interesting device wise. You included lots of references to other stories like Venus and Proserpine (One roman the other greek right?). Usually so many doesn't work in one place but I think picking out the most defining feature from each of them really works in showing the beauty of the person.
To be honest their isn't a huge amount to improve about this! I feel like a few lines felt a bit- cut off such as:


It was a bright, fresh morn;
I stepped outside

That's just my personal opinion though. I also think "stepped" is a little bit out of place in when in a poem containing such adventurous, of lack of a better word, vocabulary. Maybe wandered, stride (I quite like this one to amplify the expectancy of the person) or danced.
Overall, very good poem!




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Reviews: 60

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Tue Jun 26, 2012 1:18 pm
HorriBliss wrote a review...



This was great, I quite like it, although I'm not one for nature poems all that much (I realise that this can also be called a 'love' poem, but to me it screamed nature!) I liked the pace, and how it changed in parts, in keeping with tone of the poem. I liked the feeling of, I don't know how to describe it more eloquently, 'once it's gone, it's gone' which is the vibe I got from this poem - which made the brevity of the "Innocent Beauty" all that more powerful!

I'll try and point out a few things mote specific now, that I liked/disliked, in order to help you:
"An Innocent Beauty,
Pure as can be,
Dancing in the light breeze."
I really liked the assonance here, as it really does capture the motion of someone ''dancing in the light breeze'', swaying to-and-fro, so I applaud you for that technique.

"Her beauty rivaled Venus’,
Her chastity Diana’s;
Her simplicity
Was the embodiment
Of homely Vesta;
Looking for all the world
Created by Proserpine herself;"
- with respect to the above section, I believe less would be more here. Comparing the Beauty to maybe one or two Goddesses, would have been ample, but it loses its power when you over-repeat it - which is the impression that I got from this phrase.

"As by an invisible thread
To pluck her off
And carry her inside."
Again, this phrase made her seem so fragile and tender, as if at any moment she could be plucked and gone forever (foreshadowing, perhaps?)


"But Alas!" - simple, but effective way of showing a change in tone. Although the word "Alas!" seemed a bit out-of-place to me. Perhaps you used it in order to try and capture the suddent change in tone and mirror it, but, even still, it still stuck out to me as out-of-place within the poem.

"The first of spring:
First to come,
First to be loved,
First to be marred,
First to go."
- yet another excellent technique in repetition. I liked the fact that you didn't overdo it, but you slowed down the pace, kept it mellow, and it's almost understatement is what gave it its power.

"The Finer Things In Life-
Which are Seen,
And Praised,
Then quickly Forgotten;"
- I feel that after "Forgotten" there should be a full-stop, a semi-colon works, but I feel the poem would benefit, as the subsequent change-in-tone would be signalled by the full-stop (if you know what I mean!)

Well, that's me done here, just thought I'd say that I loved the poem, there's nothing too major that's wrong with it, just a few nips and tucks here and there, but even then those would be down to your artistic license, and most of them don't deter from the poem itself.
By the way, my interpretation of the poem is that you are talking about a flower/flowers, and that is the "Innocent Beauty" that society has no patience for. It's also a justified interpretation in my mind as you talk about Mother Nature, and granted while she does tend to make humans, I felt it leaned more toward a flower for some reason.
Here's a list of two poems that this one reminded me of, thought it would be of help:
'Love's Deceit' - Big Rube:
here's the poem - http://wordsofapoet.com/2008/12/22/atl- ... -big-rube/
here's it being narrated by the poet - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YhzQ9ZAX8s
'The Rose that Grew from the Concrete' - Tupac Shakur:
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/the-rose ... oncrete-2/

If you have any further need to contact me about this review, don't hesitate! Also, you can contact me about those poems, too, if you like. I'd love to here your opinion on them. Take care, now :)





No person can be a great leader unless he takes genuine joy in the successes of those under him.
— W. A. Nance