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Monteray

by camillesuarez1


Chapter One

Snowflakes slowly trickled down onto the window glass as I stared blankly out of it, a wool blanket draped around me. The eerie vacancy of the house sends chills me throughout my body. Where was my family? What were they doing to them? I wanted to dash out of my room and go out looking for them, but somehow, something was holding me back; was it my being a coward? I could easily get killed with their machine guns, or their tanks surrounding my house. I rubbed my eyes. What could I do, without risking my own life?

I slowly, hesitantly, threw my legs over the side of my bed and got up, reaching for my jacket draped on the back of my desk chair. One more look out the window made me uneasy, but I knew nothing was going to happen unless I actually do something. I began to pack necessary items into a sturdy backpack. I had to think ahead of the game. Was the place I was going going to be cold? Was I going to need my passport? I counted my money before stuffing my wallet securely inside. Once I had everything necessary inside, I made my move. Slinging my bag onto my back, I slowly opened my door and peeked outside. Through my living room window, I saw the street empty. With relief bubbling up inside me, I made a mad dash towards the front door, nearly tripping over a leather foot rest at the edge of a center table. I quickly recovered and ran out the door, yanking my keys out of the hook before slamming the door shut. The black metal of my Corvette was glazed over with ice and snow, preventing me from opening the door. Distressed, I ran to my garage and found a crowbar leaning against a wooden slab. Yes! I ran quickly back to my car and began stabbing the tip of the bar on the ice, chipping j off bits and pieces until nearly all of it was gone and that I was able to open the door.

I threw myself inside, shoving my key into the ignition and twisting it. The car immediately roared to life. I didn’t realize that I was shivering when I heard something clicking. What was it? It wasn’t long until I found out that it was my teeth chattering in the frigid weather. I pressed a button and then warm car began to fill the car as I pulled out of my garage and into the driveway. I didn’t know exactly where I was going to go, but I knew I had to get as far away from this house as possible, putting some distance away from me and the Battalion, people who were out looking for civilians who were of Christian and Jewish faith. It reminded me much of the Holocaust; of the extermination of 1.5 million Jews in Auschwitz. History had repeated itself once again.

Driving down the empty street gave me a sense of ease. At least I knew I wasn’t being followed. I turned on the radio so that I had some company. I anticipated that I might have have to stop for the night soon. The sky was slowly turning to a darker shade, shadows slowly lengthening.

It was around six at night when I decided to stop for the night at a motel. It was nice and decent. There was a bed with gray sheets, a mahogany nightstand, and a television resting on a dresser. On the bed, there was a tray of food already waiting for me. I plopped down onto the bed and lifted the metal dome to reveal a plate of smoked salmon, mashed potatoes, and with a side of macaroni and cheese. A pitcher of water sat on the nightstand with a cloth over the rim to keep the flies away. I kicked off my shoes and curled up in bed, placing the tray and resting it on my lap. I devoured the meal, having not really eaten for the rest of the day. I felt around for the television remote and clicked on the TV. I flipped through some channels only to stop when I saw my best friend’s face appear on the screen. Sebastian. His face was all bruised and withered; his gray eyes cloudy. His dark brown hair was matted with, what looks to be, mud and something else I couldn’t place my mind on. The reporter said that a bus was tilted over by a tank, and then army men from a distant country began to drag out survivors, Sebastian being one of them. I stared desperately on the screen to see for any signs of my family, but the screen suddenly went black. The sound of my cell phone ringing made me jump. With shaking fingers, I dug around my purse until I felt my Blackberry. I checked the screen. It was Sebastian.

“Ian, are you alright?” I demanded, my hand shaking. My eyes strayed back to the television screen, which turned back on showing the army men rounding up the survivors, tying back their wrists with wire. It was sickening, seeing all those people, wounded, and being loaded into the back of trucks like a herd of cows.

“Ian, what’s going on? Why are they putting you guys at the back of a truck?”

“Wait, how do you know they’re placing us there?”

"I’m watching it on TV.” One of the Battalions was now jabbing at a young boy with the butt of his rifle as the boy tripped onto the ground after being shoved. Part of his face was now covered in blood. The mere sight of innocent people being abused, churned my stomach, threatening that my meal will make a special appearance again.

As the procession continued, more and more people were tripped and knocked down, their beaten bodies falling on hard dirt ground. Eventually the back of the truck were now filled with blood-covered civilians. A Battalion in a dark navy suit pulled down the door and shut it securely, before smacking the metal and making his way up front cabin. The truck slowly moved forward toward a crowd that formed as the civilians were being loaded. I was right; it was the Holocaust all over again.

I had lost the interest to sleep after everything that I have seen. The frightened expressions on both child and adult will forever be embedded in my mind forever. I have never seen such terror in my life. I stayed on the phone with Ian for the rest of the night, each speaking in hushed voices, wary of being overheard. I was curled under my blanket with my phone pressed against my ear. Ian’s voice was quiet with a slight tremor. He had told me that they were now headed towards a safe house somewhere outside New York. I had so much more to ask of him, but he quickly had to hang up, saying that the Battalions were walking around confiscating valuables.I sat there on the warm bed, holding my phone now turned off due to a shortage of battery. There were two things I was sure about: one, Sebastian and my family were in great danger; and two, I was the only one who could save them.


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Fri Oct 22, 2021 12:59 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: At first glance this seems like a pretty nice first chapter here. I found it to be pretty interesting at any rate, and I think there's quite a lot of potential with what you already have going here, but there were a couple of problems that I did spot.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Snowflakes slowly trickled down onto the window glass as I stared blankly out of it, a wool blanket draped around me. The eerie vacancy of the house sends chills me throughout my body. Where was my family? What were they doing to them? I wanted to dash out of my room and go out looking for them, but somehow, something was holding me back; was it my being a coward? I could easily get killed with their machine guns, or their tanks surrounding my house. I rubbed my eyes. What could I do, without risking my own life?


Wow, well this starts off on quite the adventurous note right there. Its a bit hard to tell what is going on cause there are a few things being rattled out without too much context but I do think you manage to say enough here that we do find ourselves knowing that something bad is happening and this person is hesitating to go out and help.

I slowly, hesitantly, threw my legs over the side of my bed and got up, reaching for my jacket draped on the back of my desk chair. One more look out the window made me uneasy, but I knew nothing was going to happen unless I actually do something. I began to pack necessary items into a sturdy backpack. I had to think ahead of the game. Was the place I was going going to be cold? Was I going to need my passport? I counted my money before stuffing my wallet securely inside. Once I had everything necessary inside, I made my move. Slinging my bag onto my back, I slowly opened my door and peeked outside. Through my living room window, I saw the street empty. With relief bubbling up inside me, I made a mad dash towards the front door, nearly tripping over a leather foot rest at the edge of a center table. I quickly recovered and ran out the door, yanking my keys out of the hook before slamming the door shut. The black metal of my Corvette was glazed over with ice and snow, preventing me from opening the door. Distressed, I ran to my garage and found a crowbar leaning against a wooden slab. Yes! I ran quickly back to my car and began stabbing the tip of the bar on the ice, chipping j off bits and pieces until nearly all of it was gone and that I was able to open the door.


Okay, this looks to be a bit of a panicked get away sort of situation that we have here and it appears that this person is simply just trying to run away from the situation rather than potentially risking their life to be involved with whatever is going on outside. It definitely puts an interesting spin on both whatever is happening there and the kind of person this is. Considering some of those items this person appears to want to get pretty far away and I think you convey a very nice sense of desperation in this piece here.

I threw myself inside, shoving my key into the ignition and twisting it. The car immediately roared to life. I didn’t realize that I was shivering when I heard something clicking. What was it? It wasn’t long until I found out that it was my teeth chattering in the frigid weather. I pressed a button and then warm car began to fill the car as I pulled out of my garage and into the driveway. I didn’t know exactly where I was going to go, but I knew I had to get as far away from this house as possible, putting some distance away from me and the Battalion, people who were out looking for civilians who were of Christian and Jewish faith. It reminded me much of the Holocaust; of the extermination of 1.5 million Jews in Auschwitz. History had repeated itself once again.


Okay...that's a very interesting detail to drop there. Connecting it like that does give you a bit of a sense of what sort of horrors might be going on around this person as they're trying to run off which does give a bit of justification for these actions here...and you can certainly see this person is running away for a very good reason. Well, let's see, I think you captured this urgency and desperation well here so far.

Driving down the empty street gave me a sense of ease. At least I knew I wasn’t being followed. I turned on the radio so that I had some company. I anticipated that I might have have to stop for the night soon. The sky was slowly turning to a darker shade, shadows slowly lengthening.


Okay this is giving away to a little bit of a lull I see. Its almost a little too fast I have to say because one moment there is a lot of danger and now it pretty quickly turns into a situation where things are lot calmer. Considering this is a first chapter though, I suspect this is maybe only a false sense of security.

It was around six at night when I decided to stop for the night at a motel. It was nice and decent. There was a bed with gray sheets, a mahogany nightstand, and a television resting on a dresser. On the bed, there was a tray of food already waiting for me. I plopped down onto the bed and lifted the metal dome to reveal a plate of smoked salmon, mashed potatoes, and with a side of macaroni and cheese. A pitcher of water sat on the nightstand with a cloth over the rim to keep the flies away. I kicked off my shoes and curled up in bed, placing the tray and resting it on my lap. I devoured the meal, having not really eaten for the rest of the day. I felt around for the television remote and clicked on the TV. I flipped through some channels only to stop when I saw my best friend’s face appear on the screen. Sebastian. His face was all bruised and withered; his gray eyes cloudy. His dark brown hair was matted with, what looks to be, mud and something else I couldn’t place my mind on. The reporter said that a bus was tilted over by a tank, and then army men from a distant country began to drag out survivors, Sebastian being one of them. I stared desperately on the screen to see for any signs of my family, but the screen suddenly went black. The sound of my cell phone ringing made me jump. With shaking fingers, I dug around my purse until I felt my Blackberry. I checked the screen. It was Sebastian.


Hmm...this little description of the room there is pretty nice, but I feel like it clumps together with the TV description there to make a bit too big of a paragraph. I think this would flow better if those two seperate moments were put into two separate paragraphs here cause at the moment it comes off a bit clunky. At any rate, I already like where this is headed here with this person getting a call from one of the people that they ran away from.

“Ian, are you alright?” I demanded, my hand shaking. My eyes strayed back to the television screen, which turned back on showing the army men rounding up the survivors, tying back their wrists with wire. It was sickening, seeing all those people, wounded, and being loaded into the back of trucks like a herd of cows.

“Ian, what’s going on? Why are they putting you guys at the back of a truck?”

“Wait, how do you know they’re placing us there?”


The slight bit of irony there of her watching it from the TV like that is this person is being carted off in that horrible fashion makes for a nice little bit of extra tension to this scene but I do have to wander if people who treated these kids so horribly would allow them to make a phone call like this.

"I’m watching it on TV.” One of the Battalions was now jabbing at a young boy with the butt of his rifle as the boy tripped onto the ground after being shoved. Part of his face was now covered in blood. The mere sight of innocent people being abused, churned my stomach, threatening that my meal will make a special appearance again.

As the procession continued, more and more people were tripped and knocked down, their beaten bodies falling on hard dirt ground. Eventually the back of the truck were now filled with blood-covered civilians. A Battalion in a dark navy suit pulled down the door and shut it securely, before smacking the metal and making his way up front cabin. The truck slowly moved forward toward a crowd that formed as the civilians were being loaded. I was right; it was the Holocaust all over again.


Okay....well that was definitely the sort of thing that can make you lose the contents of your stomach and I think you do a great job of showing this cruel image here. The one issue I do have is what happened to the phone call. It just gets interrupted by the description and you don't seem to return to it all. Did Sebastian have no reply and hang up? Was the phone snatched away?

I had lost the interest to sleep after everything that I have seen. The frightened expressions on both child and adult will forever be embedded in my mind forever. I have never seen such terror in my life. I stayed on the phone with Ian for the rest of the night, each speaking in hushed voices, wary of being overheard. I was curled under my blanket with my phone pressed against my ear. Ian’s voice was quiet with a slight tremor. He had told me that they were now headed towards a safe house somewhere outside New York. I had so much more to ask of him, but he quickly had to hang up, saying that the Battalions were walking around confiscating valuables.I sat there on the warm bed, holding my phone now turned off due to a shortage of battery. There were two things I was sure about: one, Sebastian and my family were in great danger; and two, I was the only one who could save them.


Okay....so we end on a nice little ultimatum of sorts with a mission for our protagonist. It definitely makes for a good ending for a first chapter, but I find that its a little fast there and this phone conversation seems a bit unrealistic as well. I don't believe they would be careless enough to have some talk for that long and relay every bit of information. Just making this phone conversation seem a little more difficult and spreading out these revelations a bit would be better I think. At this point we're told a lot of information and there's not nearly enough time inbetween these bits of information to process them.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this piece here is off to a pretty good start. There are definitely a few parts that need a bit of polishing up but for the most part, this is doing pretty well here I think and its interesting that I find myself perhaps wanting to read more of this story here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Mar 28, 2012 2:46 pm
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dafreak wrote a review...



great suspense at the end. im guessing this takes place somwere in the future? please add more ill be looking for it





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