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Daughter of a Victim (Doom and Gloom Version)

by CeruleanBlaze


GLOOM AND DOOM VERSION

(A/N: I made two versions of this, the sappy version (this one) and a more light hearted take on this. I've got this iead, but not sure what to do with it and where to start :P Any comments and critics are welcomed!

Oh, and any suggestions for names? Daught of a Victim seems so cliche XD)

It made the front page of the newspapers the next morning. Thick black letters were sprawled all over the page and in the center stood the picture of the sad yellow house.

People read on to absorb all the juicy details of the murder, whether they be relevant or not. It was written that his nine year old daughter phoned the police to report her father lying just outside the front gate in a pool of his own blood. It was written that he was dead before the police arrived and it was a targeted kill. From their perspectives, he was just one less potential criminal to be cautious of.

They never get the details right.

This story will be on the news and papers for about another day or two, then slowly fading away into another mere name and place. Eventually, the murder will be lumped into a group with all the other killings that happened and sooner or later, something else will happen to some other poor family and this one would be forgotten.

And if it ever was, all people will remember was the death of a gang member.

Usually no one wonders what happened of the family, if for a second they thought there was a family. Gangs are suppose to be stoic and dark, the members fearful and heartless. Gang members are suppose to be covered in tattoos and smoke yet it was the media that brought light to the girl that he was part of one.

Well, he had a son who was just recovering from a major surgery and a wife who loves art and literature. He had a daughter who was getting ready for bed when she heard the unfamiliar rings of gunshots just outside her window. They lived in a beautiful neighbourhood with a lovely yellow house and a vivid green garden surrounding it.

Imagine how just a few small bullets can tear it all away from them.

Now she lives off of the fading, bittersweet memories of her childhood. She's caught in between two roads; one promising the eventual freedom of these memories and the other telling her to scribble down as much as she can before the girl wakes up one day and forgets the small yet painfully important details, like which way he parted his hair.

Though it's better to forgive and forget, the thoughts are just bursting at the seams.

And now my fingers are flying on the keyboard, unwilling to stop.


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33 Reviews


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Reviews: 33

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Tue Sep 28, 2021 9:13 am
DeliriumNervosa wrote a review...



Hey, Delirium Nervosa here to leave a review.

I really enjoyed what you have written so far and eagerly await the next installment.

This piece is written really well, but I do have a few small grammatical suggests that I thought I would pass along.

"It was written that his nine year old daughter phoned the police to report her father lying just outside the front gate in a pool of his own blood."

You could add some commas to break up the sentence, it makes it more impactful as the reader pauses between each big piece of information. Like this:
"It was written, that his nine year old daughter phoned the police to report her father lying just outside the front gate, in a pool of his own blood."

In this sentence;
"This story will be on the news and papers for about another day or two, then slowly fading away into another mere name and place."

You change tense throughout the sentence and is limits the rhythm a little. You could write it as:
'This story will be on the news and in the papers for about another day or two, then slowly fade away into another insignificant event, another to be placed in the archives, the mere hive of lost memories."

Hopefully this helps a little, and if not, that's all good. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

-Delirium Nervosa




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Tue Sep 28, 2021 8:39 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey!! Forever here with a tiny review!

Daughter of a victim doesn't really seem to be a bad name. It's quite good and I can't remember having heard that name earlier. If you want suggestion, you can change the word "victim" and make it more clearer. That can also give a hint of what was the actual cause behind the murder. Titles are helpful when it comes to indirect hints to the plot.

Now, to the story. Having read the lighter version, it seemed to me that the first part of this one is just the continuation of the lighter version. However, as I continued, it slowly felt the other way. In the lighter one, you went from past to present abd in this, you went from past-past perfect and then present. Okay, both stories had their own characteristic traits which I quite liked. I do think that both of these can be combined to make a single one and that will have more details for the readers to explore.

Now to mystery solving. This one, unlike the previous one gave a good hint of what actually happened to the man. It seems like he was not at all a gang member and also, the police has some hand behind this murder. Like how did the police arrive immediately and also it was written that the person was shot before they arrived. As that followed some untruths, I think that too is an untrue and the police intentionally killed him for some reason and also provided the media with wrong details.

Just a quick thing, in the third last paragraph, replace that she with the daughter and provide a bit more detail about her(which can easily be done if you combine the two) as the title says mainly of her and I assume you wanted to make her the main character here. I am a bit confused about the last line but it's veryy interesting. If I am not wrong, this I is the girl and she wrote the whole story herself talking about her sadness and revealing some truths. Overall, it was quite a good story and also gave us an insight from the victim's POV(by victim, I mean the daughter, she is a victim of her father's death) I enjoyed reading it.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




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Tue Apr 03, 2012 2:44 am
xxFleetingEternity wrote a review...



Okay. Honestly? I actually kind of like this. It's darker, and very true. You got onto the other side of the scenario; where we usually hear about the case, or the police, we never hear about the dead, the convicted. Much less the family.
I like that you went back into the girl's memories of her father, and her childhood, but kept it in the more present sense as well. And the last line was just brilliant. I can't wait to read more of your stuff again.





The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.
— Amelia Earhart