Young Writers Society

Hey, Delirium Nervosa here to leave a review.

I really enjoyed what you have written so far and eagerly await the next installment.

This piece is written really well, but I do have a few small grammatical suggests that I thought I would pass along.

"It was written that his nine year old daughter phoned the police to report her father lying just outside the front gate in a pool of his own blood."

You could add some commas to break up the sentence, it makes it more impactful as the reader pauses between each big piece of information. Like this:
"It was written, that his nine year old daughter phoned the police to report her father lying just outside the front gate, in a pool of his own blood."

In this sentence;
"This story will be on the news and papers for about another day or two, then slowly fading away into another mere name and place."

You change tense throughout the sentence and is limits the rhythm a little. You could write it as:
'This story will be on the news and in the papers for about another day or two, then slowly fade away into another insignificant event, another to be placed in the archives, the mere hive of lost memories."

Hopefully this helps a little, and if not, that's all good. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

-Delirium Nervosa

Hey!! Forever here with a tiny review!

Daughter of a victim doesn't really seem to be a bad name. It's quite good and I can't remember having heard that name earlier. If you want suggestion, you can change the word "victim" and make it more clearer. That can also give a hint of what was the actual cause behind the murder. Titles are helpful when it comes to indirect hints to the plot.

Now, to the story. Having read the lighter version, it seemed to me that the first part of this one is just the continuation of the lighter version. However, as I continued, it slowly felt the other way. In the lighter one, you went from past to present abd in this, you went from past-past perfect and then present. Okay, both stories had their own characteristic traits which I quite liked. I do think that both of these can be combined to make a single one and that will have more details for the readers to explore.

Now to mystery solving. This one, unlike the previous one gave a good hint of what actually happened to the man. It seems like he was not at all a gang member and also, the police has some hand behind this murder. Like how did the police arrive immediately and also it was written that the person was shot before they arrived. As that followed some untruths, I think that too is an untrue and the police intentionally killed him for some reason and also provided the media with wrong details.

Just a quick thing, in the third last paragraph, replace that she with the daughter and provide a bit more detail about her(which can easily be done if you combine the two) as the title says mainly of her and I assume you wanted to make her the main character here. I am a bit confused about the last line but it's veryy interesting. If I am not wrong, this I is the girl and she wrote the whole story herself talking about her sadness and revealing some truths. Overall, it was quite a good story and also gave us an insight from the victim's POV(by victim, I mean the daughter, she is a victim of her father's death) I enjoyed reading it.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever

Okay. Honestly? I actually kind of like this. It's darker, and very true. You got onto the other side of the scenario; where we usually hear about the case, or the police, we never hear about the dead, the convicted. Much less the family.
I like that you went back into the girl's memories of her father, and her childhood, but kept it in the more present sense as well. And the last line was just brilliant. I can't wait to read more of your stuff again.