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Immortalis

by ShadowPrincess16


Prologue

Rayanne Blakefield

Immortal Isles, Midnight Isle

July 7, 1652

  

“I do not fear death.”

   Her voice was little more than a whisper but he heard every word. She did not fear death, she had said, as though that should somehow relieve his pain. Who cared if she feared it when it was happening already? Rayanne was dying, the life draining from her eyes even now. He looked down into her vivid green eyes and saw her watching him, reading the expressions on his face the way she had always done. It did not matter anymore. She could feel his pain as if it were her own. He saw his pain reflected in her eyes and could no longer be angry. Tears came then as his rage faded and was replaced by a grief so deep it seemed to shatter his very soul. They coursed down his face even as she reached a weak hand towards his face to wipe them away.

“No tears. Please…please do not cry.” She begged, her own eyes brimming with tears.

“I can’t help it Rayanne. You’re dying.”

“It is not forever. I will return, love. I will come back to you. You know I will.”

“300 years in the future you will return to me. Until then I will be incomplete, a shadow of myself.”

“It will be hard for me as well but we must do it.”

   His throat closed, locking his reply in his throat. Holding her close to him, he buried his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled her scent. She began to sob then, her grief taking control as she prepared herself to leave him. Their bodies shook, tears washing tracks down their faces. After a few moments, Rayanne pulled back and looked at him, her green eyes echoing the love that filled his heart. She kissed him quickly but deeply before speaking.

“I love you Colt.”

“As I love you Rayanne.” He whispered back, his voice breaking.

   They stared at each other for a few more seconds before she laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes. He felt her heart stop as the last of her lifeblood drained. Tears coursed down his cheeks as he clutched her body close to him. He could not move, though he knew he needed to take her body back to the castle, prepare it for the funeral. She had taken his soul with her, the very core of his life was gone, and without it, he was nothing more than a shadow of the man she had loved. For 360 years, he would walk through life with only the knowledge that she would return someday…


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Fri Oct 15, 2021 12:06 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayyy...so we have ourselves a pretty solid looking prologue here. I think you've done a pretty good job of bringing across this pretty emotional moment that has a promise of quite some things to come here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

“I do not fear death.”

Her voice was little more than a whisper but he heard every word. She did not fear death, she had said, as though that should somehow relieve his pain. Who cared if she feared it when it was happening already? Rayanne was dying, the life draining from her eyes even now. He looked down into her vivid green eyes and saw her watching him, reading the expressions on his face the way she had always done. It did not matter anymore. She could feel his pain as if it were her own. He saw his pain reflected in her eyes and could no longer be angry. Tears came then as his rage faded and was replaced by a grief so deep it seemed to shatter his very soul. They coursed down his face even as she reached a weak hand towards his face to wipe them away.


OOoh, well this is a rather powerful start. We have a person dying for a reason that we're not told, but there's enough context here to tell us that whatever the reason is its not the most normal one with just how much crying is going on here. Its a very sad moment with someone this person trying to comfort the other person despite the situation they are in. I can safely so you tug on a few heartstrings with that opening despite the fact that these are two characters we know pretty much nothing about.

“No tears. Please…please do not cry.” She begged, her own eyes brimming with tears.

“I can’t help it Rayanne. You’re dying.”

“It is not forever. I will return, love. I will come back to you. You know I will.”

“300 years in the future you will return to me. Until then I will be incomplete, a shadow of myself.”


Oooh, this is very interesting. I love to see that. At first, there is simply the whole death situation, but then we move into this whole immortal situation and potentially coming back from death and it is all rather exciting here. I'm loving this start to this prologue.

“It will be hard for me as well but we must do it.”

His throat closed, locking his reply in his throat. Holding her close to him, he buried his face in the crook of her neck and inhaled her scent. She began to sob then, her grief taking control as she prepared herself to leave him. Their bodies shook, tears washing tracks down their faces. After a few moments, Rayanne pulled back and looked at him, her green eyes echoing the love that filled his heart. She kissed him quickly but deeply before speaking.


Hmm, well this is a rather tender moment here and I think you do a pretty good job of capturing it. Its a nice little bit of emotion coming to the surface as we have someone that needs to make a bit of a sacrifice for a future where things are perhaps better. Its a pretty powerful choice of scene here.

“I love you Colt.”

“As I love you Rayanne.” He whispered back, his voice breaking.

They stared at each other for a few more seconds before she laid her head on his chest and closed her eyes. He felt her heart stop as the last of her lifeblood drained. Tears coursed down his cheeks as he clutched her body close to him. He could not move, though he knew he needed to take her body back to the castle, prepare it for the funeral. She had taken his soul with her, the very core of his life was gone, and without it, he was nothing more than a shadow of the man she had loved. For 360 years, he would walk through life with only the knowledge that she would return someday…


Well, this is a powerful ending here. It has a strangely haunting quality to the whole thing which puts a very interesting spin on this whole situation and I think it altogether makes for a very interesting start here. It sort of captures the broad spectrum of this situation very well here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is a pretty neat little prologue. Its a very simple but powerful scene that you've chosen here and I think it gets its point across very well. Its also definitely interesting enough that I find myself wanting to read more here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:40 pm
starrgazer wrote a review...



Some parts of this really did touch me and that's saying something for a romance fanatic. Not sure how to quote yet, but my favourite parts are:

"Tears came then as his rage faded and was replaced by a grief so deep it seemed to shatter his very soul." Love the "shatter his very soul" bit, it really described just how painful it was for him.

"He felt her heart stop as the last of her lifeblood drained." Perfect word choice

The last few sentences were also very moving, though borderline mushy and cliche. Maybe don't reference to his soul as many times so it won't clash and when you do mention it, it'll give a bigger impact.

This sounds like a really interesting story. I was hooked throughout the whole thing so my interest never wavered. I'll get to reading and reviewing the next few chapters asap.






Thanks! I'm working on chapter 3 right now. I'm really enjoying writing it. <3




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