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Claire

by neko


Leaning against the wall and breathing the crisp mid-winter air, I breathe deeply and blank out. The buzzing of random conversation filled my ears and mind as students milled around me. I’m able to catch random snippets of sentences as teenagers stand around in the car park gossiping.

“So then I...i got the job…no way! ...omigosh you wouldn’t....hahaha! …what’s first period class today? ...” I am listening but not listening at the same time. I rub my temples and groan. I hate the noise of public places. I stick my earphones in and turn up the volume of my cherry red i pod and close my eyes. House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance screams into my brain. There. Much better. I am just tapping my foot to the beat when a packet of corn chips flies into my head. My eyes snap open and I see my best friend and partner in crime, Ren. I pull out my earphones.

“Music loud enough, sunshine?” I grin and pick up the chips. She flops against the wall next to me.

“Man I’m fuckin’ tired” she groans. She reaches into her coat pocket and pulls out a packet of curly fries. She loves those things. I mean, it is literally all she eats. She stuffs a handful in her mouth and chews furiously. A group of girls walking past stare rudely. I guess you can’t blame them. She isn’t your typical year 10 student. Her ink black hair is cut into a messy crop; sticking out at all angles except for a long hair wrap threaded with red wool and a tiny little silver skull hanging down behind her left ear, which is pierced in every possible bloody place. Her right ear, on the other hand has a silver bar running vertically through it and several little studs in fluorescent colours. She has a crimson stud in her nose and a thick silver spike in her right eye brow. She is wearing the school shirt (a button up white blouse. She has sewn a little chibi zombie over the school emblem) with black skinny jeans and a black leather jacket.

“Freak” one of the girls mutters. Carrie Jones. Ren and Carrie have been enemies since preschool.

“Drop dead bitch” Ren growls through her mouthful. I laugh and ruffle her black hair. She is at least two feet shorter than me, which is pretty short considering I’m just above five foot. She steps on my foot with her converse clad one and mock glares at me, causing me to laugh more.

“You psycho. You’re ruining my rep.” I say. She scoffs.

“What rep, Claire? Dude, I AM your frigging rep.” I am laughing at this when I am suddenly pulled into a giant bear hug and fighting for breath. After a few seconds I hear Rens’ voice, slightly muffled by the immense form now hugging me.

“Uuuh, Rickie, I believed you have killed her.” I am immediately released. I fake gasp and double over. Ren pats me on the back. I look up and grin. Rickie my other best friend in the whooole wide world (yeah, I know I sound like a little kid but I am a very immature person) is grinning right back. We call him spawn of Satan sometimes. He has red-brown eyes, spiky blond hair and a toothy grin. He has three piercings in each ear (yes my friends have fetishes with piercings) and a dragon tattooed down his neck and back. His white school shirt is unbuttoned and under it he wears a dark purple tee shirt that says ‘no music no life’. His electric guitar is strapped to his back and a studded cuff adorns his wrist.

“G’day Claire-face. Rennie.” I don’t even try to work that one out. Rickie has appointed himself the nickname creator or something like that. The fact that the names he comes up with never make sense makes it all the funnier.


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Sun Oct 17, 2021 7:59 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: OKay...so as far as first part goes, this is a solid looking piece here. It has a few problems on first glance, there are some area that require a bit of ironing out but for the most part, this is looking quite good here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Leaning against the wall and breathing the crisp mid-winter air, I breathe deeply and blank out. The buzzing of random conversation filled my ears and mind as students milled around me. I’m able to catch random snippets of sentences as teenagers stand around in the car park gossiping.

“So then I...i got the job…no way! ...omigosh you wouldn’t....hahaha! …what’s first period class today? ...” I am listening but not listening at the same time. I rub my temples and groan. I hate the noise of public places. I stick my earphones in and turn up the volume of my cherry red i pod and close my eyes. House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance screams into my brain. There. Much better. I am just tapping my foot to the beat when a packet of corn chips flies into my head. My eyes snap open and I see my best friend and partner in crime, Ren. I pull out my earphones.


Okay....well, this is an interesting start here. I think it works quite well here. We immediately get a general sense of the surroundings and a nice little sneak peak at the sort of personality of this person and their general outlook on a few things, so that's always a big plus. All in all, a fairly neutral start, but a pretty interesting neutral start here. :D

“Music loud enough, sunshine?” I grin and pick up the chips. She flops against the wall next to me.

“Man I’m fuckin’ tired” she groans. She reaches into her coat pocket and pulls out a packet of curly fries. She loves those things. I mean, it is literally all she eats. She stuffs a handful in her mouth and chews furiously. A group of girls walking past stare rudely. I guess you can’t blame them. She isn’t your typical year 10 student. Her ink black hair is cut into a messy crop; sticking out at all angles except for a long hair wrap threaded with red wool and a tiny little silver skull hanging down behind her left ear, which is pierced in every possible bloody place. Her right ear, on the other hand has a silver bar running vertically through it and several little studs in fluorescent colours. She has a crimson stud in her nose and a thick silver spike in her right eye brow. She is wearing the school shirt (a button up white blouse. She has sewn a little chibi zombie over the school emblem) with black skinny jeans and a black leather jacket.


Hmm...well I'm not sure where that one might be going. It appears perhaps these two are friends or siblings or something along those lines. It is a bit hard to tell. The little description there is quite nice, definitely paints quite a picture although I feel like it went on for slightly too long and broke the flow a bit there. You should perhaps look into reducing the description a bit more or that conversation doesn't go along all that well there.

“Freak” one of the girls mutters. Carrie Jones. Ren and Carrie have been enemies since preschool.

“Drop dead bitch” Ren growls through her mouthful. I laugh and ruffle her black hair. She is at least two feet shorter than me, which is pretty short considering I’m just above five foot. She steps on my foot with her converse clad one and mock glares at me, causing me to laugh more.

“You psycho. You’re ruining my rep.” I say. She scoffs.


Okay....this is an odd move there. For one I think maybe we learn a bit about the relationship between these two here and also....its an odd place to suddenly have a curse being dished out there...and then we have a wholesome moment, it just is a bit confusing cause while I get the scene you're trying to convey, it takes a bit too much effort to figure out what's happening. Its not as clear as it needs to be.

“What rep, Claire? Dude, I AM your frigging rep.” I am laughing at this when I am suddenly pulled into a giant bear hug and fighting for breath. After a few seconds I hear Rens’ voice, slightly muffled by the immense form now hugging me.

“Uuuh, Rickie, I believed you have killed her.” I am immediately released. I fake gasp and double over. Ren pats me on the back. I look up and grin. Rickie my other best friend in the whooole wide world (yeah, I know I sound like a little kid but I am a very immature person) is grinning right back. We call him spawn of Satan sometimes. He has red-brown eyes, spiky blond hair and a toothy grin. He has three piercings in each ear (yes my friends have fetishes with piercings) and a dragon tattooed down his neck and back. His white school shirt is unbuttoned and under it he wears a dark purple tee shirt that says ‘no music no life’. His electric guitar is strapped to his back and a studded cuff adorns his wrist.

“G’day Claire-face. Rennie.” I don’t even try to work that one out. Rickie has appointed himself the nickname creator or something like that. The fact that the names he comes up with never make sense makes it all the funnier.


Hmm....well this one also dips into that perilous describing too much ditch..you've gotta watch out for the bat. The banter sandwiched on either side of it was actually pretty good to see there, but with this giant description in the middle it broke the flow again. So...yeah, this is a decent starting point here, but there are a few issues.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is a good start, there's quite a bit of potential here, but you do need to do some work in a few places to iron things out here. Anyway that's all I've gotta say for now. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Feb 19, 2014 11:54 am
ThatGuitarGuy says...



I really like it :) your a really good writer, i have no idea why you say your not :P




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Sat Aug 17, 2013 6:36 pm
Sonder wrote a review...



Hello, neko! Griffin, here for a short review!

First off, I really liked the feel of this. I liked the descriptions of the friends and the way the main character sounds. Not many stories have good characters that I like. Congrats.
Sorry, but I gotta do some nitpicks.

“So then I...i got the job…no way! ...omigosh you wouldn’t....hahaha! …what’s first period class today? ...”

This line confused me. There are quite a few grammatical errors but what confused me was who was talking. Instead of writing what people were actually saying, maybe just describe how "wisps of conversation washed over her", or something like that. Just a suggestion, though.

She is at least two feet shorter than me, which is pretty short considering I’m just above five foot.

Did you mean to say two FEET? That is really, really short, like three feet tall short. That is shorter than my little brother!

Rickie my other best friend in the whooole wide world (yeah, I know I sound like a little kid but I am a very immature person) is grinning right back. We call him spawn of Satan sometimes. He has red-brown eyes, spiky blond hair and a toothy grin. He has three piercings in each ear (yes my friends have fetishes with piercings) and a dragon tattooed down his neck and back.

I liked the description, but the parentheses took away from the story. Find a way to incorporate them into actual sentences, and I feel that it will sound better.
Also, quite a few of the dialogue sentences didn't have punctuation ending them. Just so you know.
I loved how realistic your characters were. I would love it if you wrote more! The end felt really sudden, with no warning or finality. If you kept on writing, it would be fine, but if this is the end, you may want to fix that.

Great job. Keep on writing and being awesome!

~GC




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Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:40 am
AliKat says...



PLEASE, PLEASE write more!! I really like this one! Tell me when you update, yeah?





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