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Young Writers Society



Ervandeu- Chapter 1 (Draft)

by DearValentine


On the edge of a cliff over the violent waves crashing on the Vantin's land in the world of Ervandeu, sat a lonely princess and her rebellious father. That princess's name, was Vechin WolfStar, Heir to the Throne ofXurranand her father, Minoa WolfStar,Loverof the Warrior Heart.Vechin's father was annoyed by the commitment he had to put into the government for Her Majesty, so he divorced her. The princess loved her father and their bonding of adventure and invention more than her place on the throne.

Both of them were of the most feared race on Ervandeu, though. The inherited terrible abilities.

The rest of Ervandeu banished the Vantin because they demolished the race of Kindred. Vantin were blood-thirsty, war-loving and the most technologically advanced out of all the Ervandish. They drank the crimson blood of their loved ones, celebrated instead of mourned over death and children smiled when watching war. This is why they lived, mysteriously away from the rest of Ervandeu.

"Father, I must get back or else Mother will punish me for being away from the castle walls. I'm already on punishment for being out with you fromaMoonCycle ago." Vechin stood, turning around to see her lonely prison inside the castle walls. "Goodbye, Father. Shall we see eachother soon?"

"Goodbye, dear Vechin. I am sorry for being a burden on your freedom inside of the walls," Minoalooked up at his daughter's brightly lit face in the sunset. She didn't deserve a lifein government."Next Half Moon I will be at the inventor's hut, though I don't know if the sky will be out that day. He wants to question you about the CyberWolf."

"I will attempt to go," she nodded, "I enjoyed our time today." As Vechin walked torward the castle, she glimpsed back at her father, a forlornexpression on his aging face.

Vechin began to smell the foul scent of the rotting animals thrown out of the walls. Her nose wrinkled in disgust. She grabbed a handfull of her lace dress, hating the cloth on her skin. She liked Assassin's clothing much better. The clatter of echoing soldier's feet pounding above her as she entered the dark walls, the gates closing behind her. Two wrestling boys rolled in front of her, one protesting against the other's punches. Vechin walked around them.

"Learn to move some time. On a worse day I would've kicked you out of the walls with the rest of your rotting friends." She muttered aloud.

Along the way to the castle, she bought a small cup of blood, drinking it with delight. The delicacy was warm on her tongue and dripped slowly down her throat, giving her nostrils a break from the village's disgusting scents.

When she finished, the gold bejeweled cup rolled off of her delicate fingers, splittingthe cupin half with her mind. Nobody was as vicious or intelligant is Vechin. Not even her sick mother. And as she walked on the streets, the other Vantin bowed and worshipped her, children awestruck by her intense royal atmosphere.

Vechin kicked a middle aged beggar at the side of the road to the splintering wood of an old hut.

"Get out of people's ways," She spat at the cowering man.

The princess usually was not as rude and terrible to her kingdom, but today she was upset with her mother. Her mother had attempted to lock Vechin in the dungeon, but Vechin refused and broke her mother's left index finger, the one that held her favorite ring. It was just one finger, Vechin thought to herelf, it'll grow back.

But still, she remained at the castle with her hated mother, waiting for the right time to escape with the inventor, his gorgeous son, Mutoi and Minoa. Vechin was lucky to have those people in her life that she loved.

Vechin strode unhappily into the imprisoning walls where she lived, and prepared herself for the next day there.


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Fri Oct 22, 2021 12:34 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is off to a pretty good start here as far as first chapters go. I think there are a few parts that need some touching up even at first glance but for the most part, this does sound pretty good here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

On the edge of a cliff over the violent waves crashing on the Vantin's land in the world of Ervandeu, sat a lonely princess and her rebellious father. That princess's name, was Vechin WolfStar, Heir to the Throne ofXurranand her father, Minoa WolfStar,Loverof the Warrior Heart.Vechin's father was annoyed by the commitment he had to put into the government for Her Majesty, so he divorced her. The princess loved her father and their bonding of adventure and invention more than her place on the throne.

Both of them were of the most feared race on Ervandeu, though. The inherited terrible abilities.


Okay...this is an interesting start here. I'm getting a distinct almost fairy tale like vibe here not just from the fact that we have princess and magical races being involved, but also with the distinct narrative style going on here with things being somewhat spelled out a bit. At any rate, well let's see where this is headed.

The rest of Ervandeu banished the Vantin because they demolished the race of Kindred. Vantin were blood-thirsty, war-loving and the most technologically advanced out of all the Ervandish. They drank the crimson blood of their loved ones, celebrated instead of mourned over death and children smiled when watching war. This is why they lived, mysteriously away from the rest of Ervandeu.


So this is definitely continuing with the general fairy tale vibe here as we describe this species from a very much omniscient narrator perspective, and well, this is a pretty cool sounding race here if a little bit more on the harsh side of things there.

"Father, I must get back or else Mother will punish me for being away from the castle walls. I'm already on punishment for being out with you fromaMoonCycle ago." Vechin stood, turning around to see her lonely prison inside the castle walls. "Goodbye, Father. Shall we see eachother soon?"

"Goodbye, dear Vechin. I am sorry for being a burden on your freedom inside of the walls," Minoalooked up at his daughter's brightly lit face in the sunset. She didn't deserve a lifein government."Next Half Moon I will be at the inventor's hut, though I don't know if the sky will be out that day. He wants to question you about the CyberWolf."


This is a pretty interesting little conversation there. I like how we have ourselves some dialogue packed with a lot of things that the two speaking clearly understand, but as readers we can't really figure out what is happening. It all makes for a pretty intriguing moment there cause you do wonder what all of this could be about. I am a bit worried this is going towards the too vague section though...it can end up being a bit of an issue there too, over explaining is an issue but not explaining enough is also not good here. You need to find a better balance here.

"I will attempt to go," she nodded, "I enjoyed our time today." As Vechin walked torward the castle, she glimpsed back at her father, a forlornexpression on his aging face.

Vechin began to smell the foul scent of the rotting animals thrown out of the walls. Her nose wrinkled in disgust. She grabbed a handfull of her lace dress, hating the cloth on her skin. She liked Assassin's clothing much better. The clatter of echoing soldier's feet pounding above her as she entered the dark walls, the gates closing behind her. Two wrestling boys rolled in front of her, one protesting against the other's punches. Vechin walked around them.

"Learn to move some time. On a worse day I would've kicked you out of the walls with the rest of your rotting friends." She muttered aloud.


Okay...well this part is moving a bit better here. I feel like here we're getting the little hints of information that we need to understand this a bit better than what we saw earlier and well the more we learn, the more intriguing this gets so that is a good sign.

Along the way to the castle, she bought a small cup of blood, drinking it with delight. The delicacy was warm on her tongue and dripped slowly down her throat, giving her nostrils a break from the village's disgusting scents.

When she finished, the gold bejeweled cup rolled off of her delicate fingers, splittingthe cupin half with her mind. Nobody was as vicious or intelligant is Vechin. Not even her sick mother. And as she walked on the streets, the other Vantin bowed and worshipped her, children awestruck by her intense royal atmosphere.


Well, that was quite the moment. I did not see that coming at all, but well that is the sort of topic that immediately manages to catch your attention as a reader cause to have a description of drinking blood is one thing, but seeing this action described so casually is pretty powerful here.

Vechin kicked a middle aged beggar at the side of the road to the splintering wood of an old hut.

"Get out of people's ways," She spat at the cowering man.

The princess usually was not as rude and terrible to her kingdom, but today she was upset with her mother. Her mother had attempted to lock Vechin in the dungeon, but Vechin refused and broke her mother's left index finger, the one that held her favorite ring. It was just one finger, Vechin thought to herelf, it'll grow back.


Okay...its interesting that the narrator has to point that out there. I think that isn't perhaps the best way to go about revealing that information. That borders on a bit too much "telling" as they saw. It would be a bit better to try and show this perhaps with the man acting shocked.

But still, she remained at the castle with her hated mother, waiting for the right time to escape with the inventor, his gorgeous son, Mutoi and Minoa. Vechin was lucky to have those people in her life that she loved.

Vechin strode unhappily into the imprisoning walls where she lived, and prepared herself for the next day there.


Well this makes for a pretty neat little ending here I think. You do manage to end on a pretty intriguing note and a promise for more which are all good things for a first chapter.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is off to a decent start I would say. All in all, I think I find this first chapter interesting enough that I would want to read more on this piece here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables