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Death was bound to come

by Prey109


It was evening in the valley, the sun’s yellow glaze told us the day was not yet over. The misty rain watered the dehydrated plants and them yet another day of survival. It seemed like everyone in the valley, though, was going inside their shacks earlier than they should have. The blackness of night seemed thicker and darker, like something ancient and evil arose for its medieval grave. Me, Oda, went to get my older and somewhat wiser brother, Talinos, to go on our evening walk. We like to stroll after all of our chores where finished, to get work out of our heads before the day was done. When I finally reached the little hut where my brother worked, he came out, still putting on his wool jacket, and we started to walk towards the Midnight forest.

We were walking the well worn path and passed our shack. Never in a million years would our father come out to walk with us, but he came out of the torn shack and said to us, “Go inside now! There will be no evening walk today sons.”

I was stunned for a couple of seconds. Our dad barely got out of the house, much less talk to us outside. I felt outraged, how could he tell me what to do, when we were the ones who did all the work. This is our break from work, and he wants us to go into our shack and probably work inside the house. I wanted right there and then to just bolt out of his sight and sprint into the forest. I was about to, but my brother said that dad was right. Still raged by this, I listened to my brother and walked in the house. What I didn’t know is how short I would stay in our little shack

My brother and I both agreed that, at night, we would take our evening walk into the forest. We were getting our usually gear for the walk: a water sack, a wool jacket, and our sticks. But my brother was bringing something else, something lethal. He was bringing his steel long sword, which he made at one of his job with a blacksmith. He sharpened it so much that its finely sharp blade glistened in the moonlight. I didn’t know it at the time, but we would need that to survive the night ahead.


We were deep in the Midnight Forest, the cool air streamed across my face, the noises of the forest seemed like it was deeply voicing from this location. We heard leaves rustle on the ground about 50 yards from us. My brother took his sword out of his sheath, making a grinding then shimmering sound. He told me to stay in that exact place, and then he went to where the sound was coming from.

Standing there, all I heard was the sound of a sword grinding on something rough, then an animal eating flesh. At that very moment, my heart stopped. I ran towards where the sound was and I saw a figure in the black. It was like a wolf, with skin blacker than death itself, its red demonic eyes beamed on me, the mouth growling at the site of another meal. My brother was laying in a pool of his own blood. His insides were out swimming in the pool of blood. My senses came to life as the wolf jumped at me. I dodged the attack and slid to the sword. As the wolf was going for another leap, I ran up and stabbed the wolf in the head.

As the wolf fell over, its body lifeless and cold, a black cloud came out of his pelt and started to come straight for me. I tried to dodge it but I went into my mouth. I felt like my life was flashing before my eyes, and it was about to start over into something far greater. I fell over, now a minion to death itself.


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Fri Sep 24, 2021 12:50 am
ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey! Forever here with a review!

It seemed like everyone in the valley, though, was going inside their shacks earlier than they should have

The construction here feels a bit off. Consider changing it a bit.
When I finally reached the little hut where my brother worked, he came out, still putting on his wool jacket, and we started to walk towards the Midnight forest.

I feel it a bit odd that he wore a woolen jacket on a rainy day. Perhaps the rain had stopped by then. It was midnight after all. Also, the transition from evening to midnight is not very clearly indicated. Better seperate it into paragraphs.
My brother and I both agreed that, at night, we would take our evening walk into the forest

Well, then that was evening walk. I wonder why yoi said midnight. Better cut that word. It actually confused me a bit.
Standing there, all I heard was the sound of a sword grinding on something rough, then an animal eating flesh.

The narrator heard the animal eating flesh? That's a bit out of order. Better make the narrator see it, like a vague sight or pattern.
the mouth growling at the site of another meal.

Sight, not site

The story was a good one. First of all, I wonder what really happened to the father? Maybe he got some hints that something like that can happen to them but how did he get the hints? I really want to know the answer to this question. I do understand that the main goal was to show the oddity of the father and do some foreshadowing but you should have a reason to do things or otherwise many plot holes will be left.

Another thing which I noticed is the sword. Seems like the brother could not use the sword but the sister, i.e., the narrator succeeded at doing that. It's a bit unusual that they literally went for a walk during a night when they are very well concerned about the wild animals in the jungle(we can see this from the sword). I don't find it very practical.

Seems like the wool was occupied by some demonic power. After the wolf being killed, the power entered the body of the narrator to do its evil deeds. Overall, it had some good horror in it. You can add It to the supernatural genre though.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever





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