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India- Short Excerpt

by SpeedyPencil


Please bear in mind its the first draft, aka the dogs breakfast draft, but I'd just like some cc on it please!

I landed with a thump. There on the ground I groaned still wrapped in the warm blanket. Sometimes I wonder why I bother waking up. I scrambled for my clothes and chucked them on hastily before I trudged downstairs, the duvet trailing behind me.

My mum was humming to herself, chopping away at some sort of vegetable before she saw me.

''Goodmorning, sweetheart! I've got your shoes in the laundry, just washed''

I answered in a grunt, passing by her slowly as she flicked her hair about and brushed the dust off the bench. Mum was going to freak when she saw my room, still, I guess it wouldn't matter soon anyway.

I chuck the duvet on the dryer, knowing that I'd probably have another talk about 'a clean house is a healthy house'. What a joke. In most houses you'd get grounded for going out after curfew, throwing rocks at Mrs Thomsons window, but here you get grounded for leaving a sock on the couch. Dad, says mums just going through a phase, yeah right, a 20 year phase. I chucked my shoes on, checking around me before sliding a knife in the sole.

''Breakfast!'' Sang mum, as she placed a bowl of curry on the table. Oh yeah, and in this house the menu consists of two things, rice and curry. It's not mum though, its dad, he says that its tradition, personally I think it’s because mum hasn't bothered to learn anything else.

I sip the steaming warm cup of coffee, warming my hand on the hot mug. That's the best thing in our house. Mum has this kind of shifty coffee maker from India, makes a brilliant cuppa though.

I stare down at the monstorous bowl of muck. Is that bubbles? I make myself choke it down with a big swig of coffee.

''Oh India, look what you've done darling!'' exclaims my mum as she scrubs at my t-shirt viciously.

''Mum- really, it's fine-''

''No, no India I am not having you go to school like that, do you know what the mothers will think? It's one of the most reformed girls boarding schools in London!''

I choke at her words. I remember the day when I got accepted, when she held on to her excitement till we left the ground and burst with happiness, squeezing me to death. I shake the thought out of my head.

I sigh as she's finally satisfied the tiny dot is gone.

''Look, mum I'll be.. I'll be late for school''

''Have a good day Indie!''

I hated it when she called me that. Suddenly that pinch of guilt was gone, murdered by a cloud of anger. The reasons were coming back.

I give a tiny forced smile to my mum but she'd already gone off. I whip my head around for signs of people, the frosty air and smog are my only company.

 

Then I break into a run.


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Mon Oct 25, 2021 11:37 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okayy...so this is a pretty simple piece here. Not much happens with a very simple scene, but you certainly manage to create quite an impact with just that rather simple scene. There's a lovely hidden sense of tension and mystery throughout and it ends on a neat little cliffhanger.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I landed with a thump. There on the ground I groaned still wrapped in the warm blanket. Sometimes I wonder why I bother waking up. I scrambled for my clothes and chucked them on hastily before I trudged downstairs, the duvet trailing behind me.

My mum was humming to herself, chopping away at some sort of vegetable before she saw me.

''Goodmorning, sweetheart! I've got your shoes in the laundry, just washed''

I answered in a grunt, passing by her slowly as she flicked her hair about and brushed the dust off the bench. Mum was going to freak when she saw my room, still, I guess it wouldn't matter soon anyway.


Okay....that's an interesting start there. On the surface it seems like a normal kid just waking up and going about their day without anything too out of the unusual but some of the lines there seem to suggest that there is just a little something more happening in the air here, and there's just that slight air of mystery floating which certainly makes for a great start here.

I chuck the duvet on the dryer, knowing that I'd probably have another talk about 'a clean house is a healthy house'. What a joke. In most houses you'd get grounded for going out after curfew, throwing rocks at Mrs Thomsons window, but here you get grounded for leaving a sock on the couch. Dad, says mums just going through a phase, yeah right, a 20 year phase. I chucked my shoes on, checking around me before sliding a knife in the sole.

''Breakfast!'' Sang mum, as she placed a bowl of curry on the table. Oh yeah, and in this house the menu consists of two things, rice and curry. It's not mum though, its dad, he says that its tradition, personally I think it’s because mum hasn't bothered to learn anything else.


OKay...well the tensions certainly increase right away there, that little sense of mystery or unease appears to be with this slightly odd tension in this house where the mother appears to have applied some pretty strict rules for them and it appears none of the people in the house appreciate that.

I sip the steaming warm cup of coffee, warming my hand on the hot mug. That's the best thing in our house. Mum has this kind of shifty coffee maker from India, makes a brilliant cuppa though.

I stare down at the monstorous bowl of muck. Is that bubbles? I make myself choke it down with a big swig of coffee.

''Oh India, look what you've done darling!'' exclaims my mum as she scrubs at my t-shirt viciously.

''Mum- really, it's fine-''


Okay...a bit of an odd combination there, on one hand, a very normal reaction there to the whole coffee thing. That just sort of makes things almost seem like a normal happy family for a second then there's a slightly odd reaction to the coffee and the whole Indian coffee making thing and a person named India I think it just all creates a slight bit of confusion there which makes things a touch harder to follow.

''No, no India I am not having you go to school like that, do you know what the mothers will think? It's one of the most reformed girls boarding schools in London!''

I choke at her words. I remember the day when I got accepted, when she held on to her excitement till we left the ground and burst with happiness, squeezing me to death. I shake the thought out of my head.

I sigh as she's finally satisfied the tiny dot is gone.

''Look, mum I'll be.. I'll be late for school''

''Have a good day Indie!''


Okay...well, there we go, the interaction that was starting to brew in the background comes fully to the forefront somewhat although it doesn't appear to be a full explosion of emotion just quite yet. At any rate, this makes for a very interesting start there.

I hated it when she called me that. Suddenly that pinch of guilt was gone, murdered by a cloud of anger. The reasons were coming back.

I give a tiny forced smile to my mum but she'd already gone off. I whip my head around for signs of people, the frosty air and smog are my only company.



Then I break into a run.


Oooh slight bit of a cliffhanger there to end on...I think that combines with that slight sense of mystery at the beginning where again there was a sense of this person wanting to perhaps run away from home and then this bit of running seems to confirmation of that actually happening here. Its a very intriguing ending at any rate.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this had just about everything that you could want from a situation like this and on the whole it certainly manages to be interesting enough that I find myself wanting to read on here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry





All we can do is our best, and hope that it was enough.
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