Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy


FEATHERS OF FIRE The Secret

by Devochka303


Under a full moon on top of a steep cliff overlooking the small town of Selio sat a young girl. Her hair was the color of bight orange sun rays, dipped in red molten lava. Her eyes the color of gold, and her clothes seamed to be made of one piece of silky ash wrapped gently around her, held tight by a fiery belt made of feathers. Her golden eyes darted the landscape sweeping from one house to another with a hopeful glare.

Behind her out of the forest walks out a young boy with similar feature: Red-Orange hair, golden eyes and an ash grey cloth with a belt made of fiery rope instead of strand of feathers. Fearing to interfere with the silence he whispers into the wind.

"Dawn, has she come?" His eyes glitter with hope as he looks at the girl. Twisting her head sideways Dawn shakes her head.

"No Flame, not yet."

"Will she ever come?" His voice prods with annoyance.

"Don't Fret young one she will be here soon."

"But it's a Red Moon soon. She has to be here by then."

"Flame she will," Whispers Dawn, her voice smooth as music.

"What if she doesn't come?" His eyes shine with fear and pain. Glancing away Dawn snaps her fingers, making a little flicker of fire glow from her fingers. Shaping the fire into a ball she tosses it from one hand to the other deep in thought, making the flame flicker and dance as it flies through the air.

After what seems like an eternity Dawn blows the fire off her hand, instantly turning it into a speak of ash, gently gliding to the ground.

"If she does not come I will make her." Putting her finger against his lip she continues. "Ripple decided to come early.Just because she was early does not mean that the next one will be late." Changing the subject she whispers. "This will be five years since Ripple came. Do you think she's ready?"

"I believe so." Flame answers.

"Then I will Quest her soon."

Slightly bowing his head Flame retreats into the forest. Looking down at the small town one last time Dawn releases a small sigh before fallowing Flame into the forest. Vanishing silently into the night.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
2875 Reviews


Points: 301545
Reviews: 2875

Donate
Fri Dec 03, 2021 2:02 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: I loved the way that you handled this piece here. You've done a really good job with subtly establishing this world and these characters while creating just about enough mystery to interest readers without making it too vague.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Under a full moon on top of a steep cliff overlooking the small town of Selio sat a young girl. Her hair was the color of bight orange sun rays, dipped in red molten lava. Her eyes the color of gold, and her clothes seamed to be made of one piece of silky ash wrapped gently around her, held tight by a fiery belt made of feathers. Her golden eyes darted the landscape sweeping from one house to another with a hopeful glare.

Behind her out of the forest walks out a young boy with similar feature: Red-Orange hair, golden eyes and an ash grey cloth with a belt made of fiery rope instead of strand of feathers. Fearing to interfere with the silence he whispers into the wind.


Okayy...interesting start here...a little more like a gentle establishing shot almost there with some description and then panning to the characters here and what they look like. Its borderline a little too much description but I think balanced just about well enough here to be interesting.

"Dawn, has she come?" His eyes glitter with hope as he looks at the girl. Twisting her head sideways Dawn shakes her head.

"No Flame, not yet."

"Will she ever come?" His voice prods with annoyance.

"Don't Fret young one she will be here soon."

"But it's a Red Moon soon. She has to be here by then."

"Flame she will," Whispers Dawn, her voice smooth as music.


Okayy...well that's an interesting little conversation there. I love how you don't give away too much to really keep things interesting and make this dialogue sound that much more natural, you can sense the emotions here and that's enough to get some context but you don't spell it out too much and I like that.

"What if she doesn't come?" His eyes shine with fear and pain. Glancing away Dawn snaps her fingers, making a little flicker of fire glow from her fingers. Shaping the fire into a ball she tosses it from one hand to the other deep in thought, making the flame flicker and dance as it flies through the air.

After what seems like an eternity Dawn blows the fire off her hand, instantly turning it into a speak of ash, gently gliding to the ground.

"If she does not come I will make her." Putting her finger against his lip she continues. "Ripple decided to come early.Just because she was early does not mean that the next one will be late." Changing the subject she whispers. "This will be five years since Ripple came. Do you think she's ready?"


Okayy...well that's a lovely quiet display of power. Ahh, I really love it when magic and powers like this are introduced in this much more subtle fashion with the focus here falling more on this character and something they seem to be rather keen on. Its a good combination here to make a pretty intriguing opening scenes.

"I believe so." Flame answers.

"Then I will Quest her soon."

Slightly bowing his head Flame retreats into the forest. Looking down at the small town one last time Dawn releases a small sigh before fallowing Flame into the forest. Vanishing silently into the night.


And we have ourselves a nice and rather mysterious ending here...I really liked this one as well...just the feeling of a promise almost and a declaration of things to come before the characters just fade into the night.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I liked this start. It was a very clean opening piece with just about all the thing you expect from one of those and without any unnecessary baggage being added. All in all, a solid looking start that's certainly interesting enough that I find myself wanting to know more. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
136 Reviews


Points: 2952
Reviews: 136

Donate
Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:52 pm
Leahweird wrote a review...



This is a really cool piece. I hope it's the startof something. I love how you used colour to set the tone.

Under a full moon on top of a steep cliff overlooking the small town of Selio sat a young girl.

I think it should be "

Her eyes the color of gold, and her clothes seamed to be made of one piece of silky ash wrapped gently around her, held tight by a fiery belt made of feathers.

You make it clear that here eyes are gold with the next sentence. Also, I think "seamed" should be "seemed", and the word "made" is superfluous

Behind her out of the forest walks out a young boy with similar feature: Red-Orange hair, golden eyes and an ash grey cloth with a belt made of fiery rope instead of strand of feathers.

Your missing an s in features (just a typo), but I think this should be split into seperate ideas. Like so:
"A young boy with similar feature walks out of the forest behind her. He shared the red orange hair and golden eyes. His ash grey clothing was tied with a belt made of fiery rope instead of a strand of feathers."
That's just one way of doing it though. I don't want to interfere with your style.

If there are errors after this, I didn't catch them. I might have been too drawn in by that point though. Cheers!





For in everything it is no easy task to find the middle ... anyone can get angry—that is easy—or give or spend money; but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy; wherefore goodness is both rare and laudable and noble.
— Aristotle