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Chapter one Of Speechless

by Idontloveyou


Chapter 1

of

Speechless

The girl's hands were sweaty and blood started to sip out of them. "Death is a wish that can only be granted if you seek that wish." The girl held a paper that was ripped and started to stain. Her penalty of making the beautiful girl speechless, was soon to come. The girl was frightened that a demon would kill her. Would it be true? The girl looked around the empty, dark gum room. "Where is she? Its passed court time." The girl said to herself, she felt a col shiver go up her back. The school fire alarm went off. She heard the gym doors lock The girl was frightened, she knew this might be her last breath.


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Wed Sep 15, 2021 5:13 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The girl's hands were sweaty and blood started to sip out of them. "Death is a wish that can only be granted if you seek that wish." The girl held a paper that was ripped and started to stain. Her penalty of making the beautiful girl speechless, was soon to come. The girl was frightened that a demon would kill her. Would it be true? The girl looked around the empty, dark gum room. "Where is she? Its passed court time." The girl said to herself, she felt a col shiver go up her back. The school fire alarm went off. She heard the gym doors lock The girl was frightened, she knew this might be her last breath.


Well, this is looking quite interesting here, it is a tiny bit of mishmash there, not gonna lie, we do have a bit of a confusion going on here with some of these things coming along seemingly out of nowhere...if this was meant to be a bit of a prologue that would be less of an issue but in a first chapter, you really can't have things appearing out of thin air halfway through.

The opening line here is what really drew me in personally, that's such a powerful statement to make, and when you've got death being mentioned that early into a story you know that things mean business there...I also like the sense of fear being created there at the beginning and you can really feel this protagonist is very much afraid for her life...but that's where things then get a bit dodgy.

So towards the end there's a demon mentioned and then out of nowhere it seems that we're in the middle of a school somewhere and locked inside a gym room...soo...yeah, I feel like this is important to the story and it totally needs to be there, but you need to start with that, set the scene and then get to the threats, cause when you open with threats and then suddenly reveal parts of a scene later, it comes off as a bit more confusing that it needs to be there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sat Sep 24, 2011 12:33 am
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review...



Even for a prologue, this is incomplete. I feel like we just don't have enough suspense built up in this yet, like it needed to drag out a little longer - and if you intend for this to be an actual chapter, a lot longer. In any case, I think this is a pretty interesting beginning, and I'd be really interested in seeing where you take this. If you re-write this chapter/prologue or write a second one, feel free to message me and I'll be happy to review. :D
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver




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Fri Sep 23, 2011 10:59 pm
captaindomdude wrote a review...



As the person above said,there's a possibility here. I'll give you that. The most obvious thing about this is its length. This is not a chapter. This is a paragraph. Not even a very long one. This is half a paragraph. Not enough to be considered even a base amount of a story. It's just too short. You need to lengthen this. Who is this girl? What is going on? Why is she scared about a demon? What's the signifigance of the paper? Set the scene, introduce the character, before you go into action.

Second, when you write dialogue, you need to write who's speaking. I have no idea what's going on here. Is that what the paper said? Is that what the 'demon' said? Is that what the girl said? The clarity here is really bad. There's no polite way to put it. I haven't been this confused since I tried watching 'Lost'.

I'm mildly suprised to see so many errors in 11 sentences, yet you pulled it off.

The girl's hands were sweaty and blood started to sip out of them


Is that supposed to say 'Drip' ? 'Seep'? something other then sip? Because blood doesn't 'sip'. Sip is the action you use when you drink something.

Her penalty of making the beautiful girl speechless, was soon to come


Should be all one sentence, that comma is useless and misplaced.

she felt a col shiver go up her back


Should be 'Cold'.

She heard the gym doors lock The girl was frightened,


Forgot a period. Also, you've already stated the girl was frightened, you don't need to repeat it.

Again, the possiblity for a good story is here. But seriously, this is barely even a prologue.




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Fri Sep 23, 2011 10:55 pm
kr1117 wrote a review...



Hey, here to review! I haven't done this in a while, so bear with me.(:

I'm not good at catching grammar mistakes, so I'm not going to focus on that. There are a few mistakes, but if you reread it, you'll catch it.

The only problem with this is that it's so short. Through this, I was confused at what's happening. I think it would be better as a prologue, maybe. First chapters need to show you the characters life, jumpstart the plot, or give setting. I recommend that you make this longer and tell the reader more.

What I like is that it sounds different, something that is hard to do.

Keep writing! Anything I said was not to hurt ones feelings. If I did, I apologize.

-Katie





The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec