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The Sleepless Tale

by Vettan


I did not sleep for five days or rather hundred and fifty hours and fifteen minutes give or take fifteen seconds. I cannot say that I have reached my limit yet, in terms of sleep deprivation. So far it has been rather unadventurous; there was that accident with the cheese. It rather prudently stated that it did not want to be ground. Which, of course, I had to explain, goes against the very nature of cheese. Instead of listening to reason, however, the block of cheese attempted a daring escape. I, for once, could not stand for such rudeness and ill manner. The process was painful. More so to the cheese than me I reckon. Next was the issue with eggs.

Now, I have no problem with eggs hatching but, according to my principals, they either have to be fully hatched or not hatched at all. In my case it was neither. I have a high regard for both farming and science but the unholy union of the two should not yield legged eggs. Especially when that said legs can be used for transportation. The ability of the egg to run across the kitchen floor on its little legs was, certainly, far inferior to mine, but the issue was farther complicated by the fact that it could hop. The chicken-egg, for that is what I chose to call it, ran wildly across the room hitting every imaginable obstruction on its path. The chicken-egg being blind, or at least it appeared so since only the legs have hatched, has put a serious obstacle in my breakfast menu. If the egg shell was to crack I will, most likely, have to consume cereal and I found that the squeaks of the numerous flakes have a deleterious effect on my appetite.

By some mysterious force acting against all manner of improbability, the chicken-egg has managed, though the method of trial and error which is still widely used and accepted in scientific community, to, through combination of hopping and running, carry its round form to the basement stairs. Personally I do not mind basements, unless there happened to be melons. Despite being rather fragile, such as the case with watermelons, they have a rather nasty habit of being hot-tempered, to the point where immediate explosion of their feelings is unavoidable; and so is the cleaning of their emotional outbursts afterwards. Of course the chicken-egg, beings blissful of such knowledge, carelessly leapt into the descending darkness just beyond the door.


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Wed Sep 15, 2021 7:28 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

I did not sleep for five days or rather hundred and fifty hours and fifteen minutes give or take fifteen seconds. I cannot say that I have reached my limit yet, in terms of sleep deprivation. So far it has been rather unadventurous; there was that accident with the cheese. It rather prudently stated that it did not want to be ground. Which, of course, I had to explain, goes against the very nature of cheese. Instead of listening to reason, however, the block of cheese attempted a daring escape. I, for once, could not stand for such rudeness and ill manner. The process was painful. More so to the cheese than me I reckon. Next was the issue with eggs.


Hmm...well, this is certainly a hilarious state..you can see this is someone that's experiencing some sort of hallucinations here as a result of being sleep deprived and this definitely makes for a pretty fun start...ahh the comedy created there by the cheese is amazingly done, I think its just the way that you've made this protagonist make things sound ever so serious despite the ridiculousness of what's going on.

Now, I have no problem with eggs hatching but, according to my principals, they either have to be fully hatched or not hatched at all. In my case it was neither. I have a high regard for both farming and science but the unholy union of the two should not yield legged eggs. Especially when that said legs can be used for transportation. The ability of the egg to run across the kitchen floor on its little legs was, certainly, far inferior to mine, but the issue was farther complicated by the fact that it could hop. The chicken-egg, for that is what I chose to call it, ran wildly across the room hitting every imaginable obstruction on its path. The chicken-egg being blind, or at least it appeared so since only the legs have hatched, has put a serious obstacle in my breakfast menu. If the egg shell was to crack I will, most likely, have to consume cereal and I found that the squeaks of the numerous flakes have a deleterious effect on my appetite.


Hmm, well the sleepiness moves onto another crazy idea I see, this time is the great escape of the chickens inside the egg. Well, this certainly continues to be properly hilarious here. I love the idea of a chicken egg just growing legs and running around the room in a crazed pattern...ahh the imagination that this person has here is quite fun.

By some mysterious force acting against all manner of improbability, the chicken-egg has managed, though the method of trial and error which is still widely used and accepted in scientific community, to, through combination of hopping and running, carry its round form to the basement stairs. Personally I do not mind basements, unless there happened to be melons. Despite being rather fragile, such as the case with watermelons, they have a rather nasty habit of being hot-tempered, to the point where immediate explosion of their feelings is unavoidable; and so is the cleaning of their emotional outbursts afterwards. Of course the chicken-egg, beings blissful of such knowledge, carelessly leapt into the descending darkness just beyond the door.


Alright, the ending there got a tiny bit extra rambly, you can clearly see this is someone very much sleep deprived and slowly descending almost into madness...but hmm, I will say besides the hilarious happenings here, this is kind of rather going nowhere. If this is meant to be the start to a novel, there should be something to make you want to come back and read more but at the moment, all we have is a fun stand alone short that gives you a good laugh, but that's it. Soo..rethink this one a teensy bit here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Sep 26, 2011 6:32 pm
carbonCore wrote a review...



Hi Vet.



Well, as I said before, I liked this. But I liked it mainly for what Jabber liked it -- the tone and the voice. I re-read this a few times and I still don't know whether you had anything to say with this piece. The rambly tone of it all is cute for one paragraph, but by the next paragraph my eyes start glazing over, and by the third, I am completely lost. Who's doing what? Why do I care? So many questions. I have not a single clue.

Aside from the lack of direction making this piece very annoying to read, I did like your diction here and the general spirit of it. Really feels like someone with sleep deprivation rambling on about anything that stumbles into their line of sight, and this guy seems to be seeing things we aren't supposed to see. Still: I suggest you figure out what you want to say with your work and then say it, rather than torture us with labyrinths of prose which ultimately lead to nowhere.

So I guess that lack of direction is my greatest criticism. I honestly don't see how you can keep up this voice for a novel; I honestly don't know what that novel would be about; I honestly just barely made it through the three paragraphs you have. So polish it up a bit, make things clearer, and give your words a goal. Then it'll be a quality piece.

Your eggshell,
cC




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Sun Sep 25, 2011 3:01 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hey, Vettan!

I like what you have here, even if it's kinda rambly. XD I think that's the point though, so you definitely nailed that. You say this is a first chapter to your project, so I'm interested to see where the next parts come in.

Since it's so short, I don't have much to comment on. I think the voice is brilliant. I can already tell what kind of character this guy is just by the way he speaks and how random his topic of conversation is, and it certainly feels like he's actually talking to the reader. I love it.

As a first chapter, I'm a bit concerned it won't live up to the rest. Of course, I can't just it right now. The chapter doesn't have much of a point except for sleepy rambliness, and if that's the point, it's nailed! I haven't depicted any plot except for the strangeness of that legged-egg bit. It sort of sounds sci-fi-ish actually, which is exciting. But anyway, as a stand alone, yeah. There's not much to it plot-wise, so something to look out for when you continue.

Otherwise, I'm very pleased with what you did with the character. Very awesome.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




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Sun Sep 25, 2011 2:04 am
maxlovesfang15 says...



This is good! I find it quite humerous. I can imagine an egg with legs only running around my house! But to tell you the truth I really don't get what this story is about
But it was good!




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Sat Sep 24, 2011 2:16 pm
EvensLily wrote a review...



I really enjoyed this, it was really funny. Personification with cheese and eggs, I thought it was brilliant. I didn't have a clue what you were going to be writing about when I clicked on the link and it surprised me that it was humorous. Really clever.
Love,
Evenslily x




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Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:05 am
briggsy1996 wrote a review...



Hi there,
so... I'm kind of at a loss for words but I think what I am getting at is that this story is very... clever. I wasn't sure what kind of story I was reading at first, but I was smiling by the end. I remember once I couldn't sleep for days and my entire world went a little loopy- you have described in a very humorous way the kind of thing I might've been thinking.
No nitpicks, just one typo:

to, through combination of hopping and running,


Overall it was enjoyable to read; the ending was my favourite. It was cool how you wrote as though the cheese and egg had personalities- it was really what made this a good start to a story.
Keep Writing,
-Briggsy





You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind