Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

So, why am I running away? Well, my mom is dead and my dad’s a drunk. Anyway, my dad hit me several times and tried to kill me. Literally! Is that reason enough? Yes, I think so.

My name is Dee and, from now on, I don’t have a last name, Dee no last name. I’m fourteen and a half. I’m tough, smart, cunning, and most of all lethal. I know I sound like a wimp because I’m running away but I’m not. Running away is the right decision. My dad will kill me if I don’t. I have ebony skin and small but very hard muscles. Before my mom died my nickname from her was little African priestess. Man, do I miss her.

While pulling myself together, I stumble upstairs and cramp my stuff into my bags. I haul them over my shoulders and sprint down to the garage. I shove my dad’s cameo colored 9mm in the back of my pants and cover it with my large Dallas Cowboys shirt. Backtracking to the kitchen I load up all the food I can and snatch the keys to my mom’s old Mercedes Benz. How grateful am I that my mom taught me how to drive. Very.

I chuck everything in the trunk and hop in the front seat. As I rev up the engine and ease out of the carport I see the light to my dad’s room flicker on. Uh oh, pedal to the metal I peel out the driveway and onto the road.

I slow down somewhere around Fort worth. Which is about sixty miles away from my house. Or should I call it my dad’s house? Either one sounds good to me. While I ride up and down the streets I turn on the radio and flip through the stations and stop at one playing my favorite song, my life by Lil Wayne and The Game. Sure, it’s an old song but I love it.

After stopping at a local gas station’s lot, I count how much money I have to see how long I can go without getting a frigging job. Yes, I said frigging. I have, at the least, 6,000 dollars so I guess I’m ok for about three months.

I pull out the lot listening to Chris brown singing look at me now.

Hi!
I thought this was a great story, but I think you need to work on your grammar. It kept nagging me, "Incorrect use of grammar!!!!"

My name is Dee and, from now on, I don’t have a last name, Dee no last name. I’m fourteen and a half. I’m tough, smart, cunning, and most of all lethal. I know I sound like a wimp because I’m running away but I’m not, running away is the right decision. My dad will kill me if I don’t. I have ebony skin and small but very hard muscles. Before my mom died my nickname from her was little African priestess. Man, do I miss her. A single tear falls down my cheek.

Hello,

It's nice to meet you. As requested, I'll try to review as honestly as possible.

I agree with a lot of what's been said. Mainly, the first sentence is almost a slap in the face. BAM! Right into the action. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. I can see why you liked to start with the running away. It certainly served to hook the reader, but it can similarly seem to "force" the reader into the story. That's not what you want to do. You want to open the door and "tantalize" the reader into stepping inside. Here's an alternative fix. You can try to switch the first two paragraphs around, or combine the two.

Begin with, "My name is Dee and from now on, I don't have a last name. Dee no last name."
If you start with this sentence, not only are you serving the same purpose (hooking the reader), but it adds a bit of intrigue to the story (We're left to question why does she not have a last name?) and this way the action doesn't catch anyone off guard. If I want to know why she has no last name, I read on. That's what you want to do to your readers. You want to hook them and slowly reel them in. You don't want to slap them in the face, because they get so caught off guard, they'll just leave, right?

I’m tough, smart, cunning, and most of all lethal.

How grateful I am that my mom taught me how to drive. Very.

I have to see how long I can go without getting a frigging job. Yes, I said frigging

"I have ebony skin and small but very hard muscles, before my mom died my nickname from her was the beautiful African priestess."

A semicolon might be better in place of a comma.

"How lucky am I that before my rich mom died she taught me how to drive it and put it in my name for when I got older and she died? Very."

This sounds like a typical teen attitude, which you captured well. However, maybe split up the first sentence to make it easier to follow. This character doesn't sound very loving. I'm guessing she's the tough type. Am I right? However, a little love towards her mother would not go amiss.

The names of songs should be capitalized and underlined/italicized.

And, when you say "I’m tough, smart, cunning, and most of all lethal," it sounds a little abrupt. It also seems like she's trying to sound all tough and boastful when she's a little unsure inside. Do you want this effect?

Overall, despite being a little too abrupt and sudden, this is a pretty good beginning.

Hiya,
I like the idea. I like the way your story started with a *bang*. It seems like an interesting idea.

Anyway, my dad hit me several times and tried to literally kill me.

Anyway, my dad hit me several times and tried to kill me. Literally.

I have ebony skin and small but very hard muscles, before my mom died my nickname from her was the beautiful African priestess.

How lucky am I that before my rich mom died she taught me how to drive it and put it in my name for when I got older and she died? Very.

Hi there.
Wow. This first chapter got right into it, didn't it? I like the straight-forward action. It works in that we're introduced to the main straight-away and you get right into the plot. However, I would have liked a little bit more back story. I get what you're trying to do; the main character is under duress and probably doesn't have time to explain how her mom died and how her dad tried to kill her, but her answer to the question, "So, why am I running away?" feels extremely abrupt as if you're trying to force us into the action.

Now, Dee describes herself as "tough, smart, cunning, and most of all lethal." If she's trying to pump herself up for what she's about to do, this is nice. It shows that she's scared and out-of-sorts. I didn't rule this out, but I feel like you meant for her to be actually describing aspects of her character. If so, then you're telling us who she is instead of showing. I don't think this line is necessary because we can see through her actions how tough, smart, cunning, and lethal she is (what kind of girl runs away with her dad's gun in the seat of her pants? A lethal one). Keep it if you meant for it to show how scared she rightfully is.

There's not much I can gather from the whole story from just the introductory chapter, but something that really caught me up was the Mercedes.

How lucky am I that before my rich mom died she taught me how to drive it and put it in my name for when I got older and she died? Very.