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Bury me, Bury me (prologue) --thriller/horror

by Sahbrene


Branches brushed against air, their remaining leaves dancing in smooth, delicate incisions. There they were, a range of different colors, yet… they created a song as one. I wondered why people couldn’t be so. It was rare to find a group of people that had barely anything in common, getting along so easily. As these leaves so effortlessly did.

I pried my eyes off them, despite their transfixing spell. Golden hazel eyes picking a self-assured it.

I ran my fingers through familiar obsidian locks.

There it was.

He smirked boyishly as he summed an obviously younger looking girl passing by. I’d say she was about fourteen or fifteen. The sad part? He appeared as though he were in college. With a local Mosscreek community college hoodie. He snickered something to his friends while nudging his square chin towards her direction.

In actuality, it wasn’t sad. It was sickening. It hit me like a spear to the heart… and during that second, inner demons flashed before me.

I slide on rectangular framed sunglasses… of which I figured were Versace by the symbol on either side. Beginning what I called a trial, I looked at him with such conviction that if my eyes weren’t concealed by frames, he’d feel as helpless as a child in a crowded market place. Or a fish surrounded by a swarm of great whites. Or more accurately, a tiger being wickedly watched by a lion twice the viciousness it could ever possess. Driven to no return.

This is it. This is it.

THIS IS IT.


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Mon Sep 20, 2021 7:54 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Branches brushed against air, their remaining leaves dancing in smooth, delicate incisions. There they were, a range of different colors, yet… they created a song as one. I wondered why people couldn’t be so. It was rare to find a group of people that had barely anything in common, getting along so easily. As these leaves so effortlessly did.

I pried my eyes off them, despite their transfixing spell. Golden hazel eyes picking a self-assured it.

I ran my fingers through familiar obsidian locks.


OKay, very interesting start there, it is a little tough to see exactly what is being described or who because I feel like as the readers we are missing a tiny bit of context which isn't a massive issue, but I feel like you need to try and be just a teensy bit clearer about what exactly is going on in this piece right here...so yeah that's what I have to say about this opening.

There it was.
He smirked boyishly as he summed an obviously younger looking girl passing by. I’d say she was about fourteen or fifteen. The sad part? He appeared as though he were in college. With a local Mosscreek community college hoodie. He snickered something to his friends while nudging his square chin towards her direction.

In actuality, it wasn’t sad. It was sickening. It hit me like a spear to the heart… and during that second, inner demons flashed before me.


Now I'm starting to see some kind of glimpse of this being some sort of romantic situation with someone pining after this boy and getting hurt at seeing said person interact with others. The start gives off some kind of fantasy vibe, but this is definitely the opposite, so well, I must confess to being slightly lost with where this is going, but it is still interesting here.

I slide on rectangular framed sunglasses… of which I figured were Versace by the symbol on either side. Beginning what I called a trial, I looked at him with such conviction that if my eyes weren’t concealed by frames, he’d feel as helpless as a child in a crowded market place. Or a fish surrounded by a swarm of great whites. Or more accurately, a tiger being wickedly watched by a lion twice the viciousness it could ever possess. Driven to no return.

This is it. This is it.
THIS IS IT.


OKay now the last part of things makes me think of someone about to head into some kind of confrontation or assassination. I'm jus not sure with this piece right here. It appears to be trying to tell you many things and yet at the same time kind of doesn't tell you much. It does intrigue but...I think you need a bit clearer about what this story is meant to be here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Mon Jul 18, 2011 3:04 pm
Cailey wrote a review...



I really found this interesting. It definitely drew me in. :) You didn't give very much information, like Joshua Paul said you didn't reallly say anything about "it". However, I loved that! It made me want to keep reading, and I'm dying to find out more. You did a good job at building the suspense and adding a creepy feeling. The only thing that got me was

I ran my fingers through familiar obsidian locks.
Is it his own hair, or is someone else with him? And you described the leaves and branches extremely well, but that's all you said about the setting. It's fine, as long as you say something more in the next chapter. I'm really curious about where the character is. Anyway, I liked it and would read more.




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Tue Jul 12, 2011 12:39 am
Sahbrene says...



Thank you! It is actually just the opening to the story, not chapter one.
I had been hoping for it to be vague as possible, for the effect of drawing the reader in.
But I guess that didn't work? Anyways, I really appreciate your intake. I'll certainly take what you said into consideration.




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Tue Jul 12, 2011 12:28 am
joshuapaul wrote a review...



Hmm this is pretty good. I adore the beginning; I read it half a dozen times. I couldn't find any glaring issues with GPS and the story, despite its brevity thus far, seems to already be decisively heading somewhere. The only issue I take with this piece is the emphasis you place on helpless the 'jerk' character would be, all the predatory analogies. I mean unless you are trying to give the narrator a little more depth as into say he's a little obsessive over his powers than perhaps leave it as is otherwise I would suggest find one simile that displays his dominance and attitude simply.

There is also something almost epic about it. But, it doesn't seem to have the effect you may have been after (unless ofcourse I have got this wrong and you just want it to be 'epic'). I mean it doesn't really add tempo at the close of the chapter, and it does little to draw the reader in, because at this stage in your novel it still really quite vague. Perhaps I'm off the mark here, but if you want to create suspense surrounding this enigma, you may want to provide a little insight into what it is. Not much just a sniff to amplify this effect.

The length was a little annoying - but this is a personal gripe some people like really short chapters, for me if its under 1000 words it ain't a chapter. Right now to be honest nothing happens. You set the scene so eloquently and use wonderful imagery but I would suggest perhaps add a bit more action. That is, ofcourse, if you wish to make it a little longer otherwise leave it. It's great as is!

Hope this helps,
great work
JP





If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven - and very, very few persons.
— James Thurber