Young Writers Society

Hi PixieStix,

Mailice here with a short review!

This was, as the name suggests, a short story. It had a real thread from beginning to end and I think you can definitely expand on that and make it a short novella. You already have a background.

Let's start. I liked the simplistic story and that the elements were taken from a fairy tale. It gave the whole text (and the title) the feeling of opening an old book of fairy tales and losing myself in it.

For the little time we spent together with Fernengala (and I really like this name!) , you can already see a virtue in her personality. I like that it's easy to see, which adds to the reading flow, especially for younger generations.

her name is Fernengala, she is from the city of Harenmen in the dark continent, her parents got killed early in te late 1800's for being wizards.

Yep, spell check, and grammar check. But otherwise, a nice read. I haven't had this warm, fuzzy feeling in awhile. Uh, I dunno. Good job.

Great Job!
I like how you made it work together in such a great flow!!!!!!
But you need to spell check aLOT. Remember to Capitalize the first letter of ur sentence. Plus, I didn't get how you said, "A note was connected to it." I don't get that.... Maybe you should've said a note was attached to it or somethin' like that.

Thanks to whoever gave me a star!!! And again thanks!

~pixie2~

Hey Pixie! So you've got some great ideas floating around here, but what you really need is some work on the execution of those ideas.

Here are my main suggestions:

1) Spell check!
This is just basic professionalism and good writing habits. For instance - "themselfs" and "physco" instead of "themselves" and "psycho" are errors that are easily fixed by a dictionary or just a basic word processor. Good spelling goes a long way, and bad spelling quickly kills your credibility.

2) Details, details, details
So she got a letter and met the prince and they got married because her hair looked nice? Not very interesting. Tell me how it all happened! Make it interesting by showing me all the cool places she went and the conversations she had. It's like I was reading it secondhand from somebody who heard it from someone else but wasn't really that interested in what happened.

3) Be a grammar freak
This has a lot to do with number 1. You used some messy, incomplete sentences, and a lot of your thoughts didn't flow together. Try to clean up your prose so that you start with neat, clean English, and you can get fancy from there. Simple, correct prose goes a long, long way.

So that's all I've got for now! Best of luck to you.

thanks!!! Anyway, I did re-read the story but.....ok. I guess I did not re-read it enough.

~Pixie~

Liv,laugh,glow

Hello

Pixie2 wrote:She would transform herself into a little girl but the magic would wear off and she would get caught. #FF0000 ">Her name is Fernengala, she is from the city of Harenmen in the dark continent, her parents got killed early in t#FF0000 ">he late 1800's for being wizards. Fernengala is 21 years old. She is a Lilac Fairy. The rarest Fairy of all. So that#FF0000 ">'s why she lives in the clouds so physco peasants will not try to drain her power and keep it for themselfs#FF0000 ">themselves. If her power gets drained then she will die.

Most people call her Fern for short. One day Fern was walking through the town.Everyone stared at her. She stopped walking when she came to a Basil and Parsley desk. "Hello, May I please buy half a pound of Parsley and basil." She asked to the man at the desk. "And who might you be? Beautiful?" He asked back. "No sir, I am Fern. Now may I please have a half a pouned #FF0000 ">pound of Parsley and Basil?" She said madley #FF0000 ">madly. "Of coarse #FF0000 ">course."#FF0000 ">He #FF0000 ">said. "That would be twenty dollars." He held out his hand. "Yes sir" She said in response. And smacked 20 dollars in his hand.

She walked away with the parsley and basil. She walked up the mountain and saw that her cloud was floating away. She flew up to it. When she landed the cloud stayed in place. She cut up the parsley first and put it in her stew then she cut the basil. There was a note connected to it.

Dear, Fernengala


I have been thinking about the last few days you have been here and I wanted to know if you wanted to come to my palace and eat dinner tonight. #FF0000 ">Meet me in front of the palace at 10:30 Pm. Hope you can make it!


Sincerely, Prince Reanolds.

That night Fern met prince Reanolds in front of his castle. #FF0000 ">She wore her most beautiful dress and curled her hair. She hid her wings in her dress.
They thankfully got married and she never got treated the same again by any of the peasants.


#FF0000 ">The end!

please leave comments!!


~Pixie~
Liv, laugh,glow