Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hack it up!
I can hear the bluebirds calling. As I listen, I can hear their song fade. The air grows cold and the sky gets dark. The cricket's music stops, and a sense of danger churns in my stomach.
I stand and sprint across the wet grass. The trees sway with the blowing wind. Fear clouds my eyes and my heart darkens.
Will this be the end? Am I too late to save myself?
Ahh, well this is creating a really powerful atmosphere here to get this story started, the whole feeling of darkness and the idea of a rapidly impending doom is the only thing that's permeating this entire first part here and I'm loving that. Nothing like a properly scary sounding ending that hints at a coming doom to really get you excited for a story.
My name is Ellie. I am a demon. I am a demon who comes from the water, but am able to live on land. Isn't that strange, I sound like the little mermaid! But I'm not. I'm being hunted. By who or what, I haven't got the foggiest idea. For now, I just have to keep going, and never stop, only to end up being killed by my Hunter.
"Ellie, what's the matter?," Cahri called."You seem really down."
Well, this start just gets more mysterious and more epic by the minute. First of all, demons are always fun to work with, especially when they're the protagonists and not one of the many monsters in some large scale battle and the idea of this being some type of water demon certainly makes things interesting here....aand of course someone running away from a person hunting them down...well yeah consider me hooked by this point.
"It's nothing.,"I whispered,"I don't feel good. That's all." I grab my things as the fourth period bells start to chime, and I walk to Miss Chanter's room. God, how I hated this class. I then, turned, grabbed my bags out of my locker and headed to my parked car. I opened the trunk, shoved my things in, and hopped in. I slowly made my way out of the school parking lot, and drove away. I went to my little hiding place down at the beach. Myrtle Beach, that is. I got my sunglasses out of my purse and walked out onto the beach. But, as I sat down on the warm sand, I heard someone call my name.
"Ellie, I found you, thank God. Where have you been?," Mares, my twin brother, asked."I've been looking everywhere for you!"
"Well, you found me. I'd been here approximately 9 seconds before you found me, Mar." I said, sighing and stretching out on the beach.
Okayy...well despite all the urgency established earlier and all the sense of impending doom, the rest of the piece here flips it all on its head and now we're in some sort of much more relaxing, familiar and dare I say, boring sounding school setting there with people just having a normal day. On one hand, it takes away from the momentum being built earlier...but then on another hand, it makes for a really interesting contrast that does make you ask some questions as a reader so overall I think this does manage to work out quite well here. It certainly seems like something I'd want to read more of.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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