Darkness of The Heart

Hack it up!

I can hear the bluebirds calling. As I listen, I can hear their song fade. The air grows cold and the sky gets dark. The cricket's music stops, and a sense of danger churns in my stomach.

I stand and sprint across the wet grass. The trees sway with the blowing wind. Fear clouds my eyes and my heart darkens.

Will this be the end? Am I too late to save myself?

My name is Ellie. I am a demon. I am a demon who comes from the water, but am able to live on land. Isn't that strange, I sound like the little mermaid! But I'm not. I'm being hunted. By who or what, I haven't got the foggiest idea. For now, I just have to keep going, and never stop, only to end up being killed by my Hunter.

"Ellie, what's the matter?," Cahri called."You seem really down."

"It's nothing.,"I whispered,"I don't feel good. That's all." I grab my things as the fourth period bells start to chime, and I walk to Miss Chanter's room. God, how I hated this class. I then, turned, grabbed my bags out of my locker and headed to my parked car. I opened the trunk, shoved my things in, and hopped in. I slowly made my way out of the school parking lot, and drove away. I went to my little hiding place down at the beach. Myrtle Beach, that is. I got my sunglasses out of my purse and walked out onto the beach. But, as I sat down on the warm sand, I heard someone call my name.

"Ellie, I found you, thank God. Where have you been?," Mares, my twin brother, asked."I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"Well, you found me. I'd been here approximately 9 seconds before you found me, Mar." I said, sighing and stretching out on the beach.

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Sun Sep 26, 2021 7:21 am

KateHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Hack it up!

I can hear the bluebirds calling. As I listen, I can hear their song fade. The air grows cold and the sky gets dark. The cricket's music stops, and a sense of danger churns in my stomach.

I stand and sprint across the wet grass. The trees sway with the blowing wind. Fear clouds my eyes and my heart darkens.

Will this be the end? Am I too late to save myself?

Ahh, well this is creating a really powerful atmosphere here to get this story started, the whole feeling of darkness and the idea of a rapidly impending doom is the only thing that's permeating this entire first part here and I'm loving that. Nothing like a properly scary sounding ending that hints at a coming doom to really get you excited for a story.

My name is Ellie. I am a demon. I am a demon who comes from the water, but am able to live on land. Isn't that strange, I sound like the little mermaid! But I'm not. I'm being hunted. By who or what, I haven't got the foggiest idea. For now, I just have to keep going, and never stop, only to end up being killed by my Hunter.

"Ellie, what's the matter?," Cahri called."You seem really down."

Well, this start just gets more mysterious and more epic by the minute. First of all, demons are always fun to work with, especially when they're the protagonists and not one of the many monsters in some large scale battle and the idea of this being some type of water demon certainly makes things interesting here....aand of course someone running away from a person hunting them down...well yeah consider me hooked by this point.

"It's nothing.,"I whispered,"I don't feel good. That's all." I grab my things as the fourth period bells start to chime, and I walk to Miss Chanter's room. God, how I hated this class. I then, turned, grabbed my bags out of my locker and headed to my parked car. I opened the trunk, shoved my things in, and hopped in. I slowly made my way out of the school parking lot, and drove away. I went to my little hiding place down at the beach. Myrtle Beach, that is. I got my sunglasses out of my purse and walked out onto the beach. But, as I sat down on the warm sand, I heard someone call my name.

"Ellie, I found you, thank God. Where have you been?," Mares, my twin brother, asked."I've been looking everywhere for you!"

"Well, you found me. I'd been here approximately 9 seconds before you found me, Mar." I said, sighing and stretching out on the beach.

Okayy...well despite all the urgency established earlier and all the sense of impending doom, the rest of the piece here flips it all on its head and now we're in some sort of much more relaxing, familiar and dare I say, boring sounding school setting there with people just having a normal day. On one hand, it takes away from the momentum being built earlier...but then on another hand, it makes for a really interesting contrast that does make you ask some questions as a reader so overall I think this does manage to work out quite well here. It certainly seems like something I'd want to read more of.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Points: 1104
Reviews: 12

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Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:35 pm

synismysyn3 wrote a review...

I really like the beginning- it works well with what your writing! Keep up the good work and it started off really good. Not so suspenseful, but it was good ! ='] I really liked it and it hoooked the reader in immediately ! Your a really good writer. Think you'd be able to look at my work ???

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Fri Apr 01, 2011 6:29 am

Yuriiko wrote a review...

Hey there Milaita!

I can hear the bluebirds calling. As I listen, I can hear their song fade. The air grows cold and the sky gets dark. The cricket's music stops, and a sense of danger churns in my stomach.

This beginning has almost reached its potential. It just feels choppy, although they're connected, you seem to focus on different things. If you'll have to describe something at first, they should play a good weight into the story.

I stand and sprint across the wet grass. The trees sway with the blowing wind. Fear clouds my eyes and my heart darkens.

Show your character's emotions. Telling to your readers that they are scared is isn't sufficient. Let us feel that she is scared, is her hands cold? face sweating? goosebumps or anything? And what is she even afraid of?

My name is Ellie. I am a demon. I am a demon who comes from the water, but am able to live on land. Isn't that strange, I sound like the little mermaid! But I'm not. I'm being hunted. By who or what, I haven't got the foggiest idea. For now, I just have to keep going, and never stop, only to end up being killed by my Hunter.

I agree with Rose here. She beat me to it already so it'd be best if you read her advice. ^^ ANd yes, things like this makes your readers get bored.

"Ellie, what's the matter?#FF0000 ">," Cahri called."You seem really down."

"It's nothing#FF0000 ">.,"I whispered,"I don't feel good. That's all." I grab my things as the fourth period bells start to chime, and I walk to Miss Chanter's room.

Oh my. You have an issue when it comes to punctuation. You see the highlighted commas? Delete it. And I'm a bit confused as to who is speaking since your punctuations are scattered all over the place. I don't want to sound rude here but you need a guide. So here it is, by Demeter. ^___^

~I'm going to list here your writing problems that needs fixing:

1. Show don't tell

I have actually explained this before. Enough said.

2. Introduce your Character

You might be confused about this, but I'm not talking about fourth part or paragraph. Introduce them well in a way, that you don't write infodumps. You let your readers who they are, not spoonfeeding them much about your character. Her/His importance, and what role is she/he playing?

3. Punctuations

I have given you a helpful link, so please give the dentist a visit. :wink:

I'll give a note to remember. When you're using a speech tag such as "he said" or "she whispered", always end the dialogue by a comma not a period. So it'll turn out like this:

"It's nothing,"I whispered,"I don't feel good. That's all."

or

"She needs a rest," he said.

~ There are also some things that you need to be aware of and that is your pacing. Everything happens fast that it's hard for me to keep up. So you should probably work on that. And also, I see your story as one-dimensional. No depth at all and too sudden to end. There has no enough conflict and a climax to motivate your readers very well. I suggest that you need to work it out. Here's a link that might help you.

When all's said and done, I think this has potential to become even better than what you have offered us right here. Just proofread or read this one out a loud and you'll notice some parts that needs smoothening out. Let me know if you have any questions.

Keep writing,
Yuri

Points: 1439
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Fri Apr 01, 2011 2:04 am

Roseamanelle wrote a review...

Hello, Mila. Rosea here, munching on some pop tarts while reviewing your work. :3

First off...

I can hear the bluebirds calling. As I listen, I can hear their song fade. The air grows cold and the sky gets dark. The cricket's music stops, and a sense of danger churns in my stomach.

Mm, good beginning. Although I think the first sentence is a bit weak in calling the attention of the reader, I guess it's a rather nice start. I think the 'as I listen' part is better off omitted, and maybe a bit more detail on the background and setting - just a little bit more - would give your audience a better idea of the mood you are trying to portray in this particular story.

I stand and sprint across the wet grass. The trees sway with the blowing wind. Fear clouds my eyes and my heart darkens.

The last two sentences are cliche. Maybe a find a new way of painting this into the picture?

Will this be the end? Am I too late to save myself?

Cliche again, I'm sorry to say. These lines have been overused in a lot of literary pieces that I have read. A lot of authors that I know, though, found gripping ways to turn the idea of these statements into some really suspenseful plotlines. Try reading Carlos Ruiz Zafon's "The Angel's Game". It's a good example of what I'm talking about in the previous sentence.

My name is Ellie. I am a demon. I am a demon who comes from the water, but am able to live on land. Isn't that strange, I sound like the little mermaid! But I'm not. I'm being hunted. By who or what, I haven't got the foggiest idea. For now, I just have to keep going, and never stop, only to end up being killed by my Hunter.

This is one of the worst mistakes an author can make when writing a story: dropping cold facts onto a reader's head in chunky paragraphs before they even get the chance to savor where the story is going. You know... give the readers some things to think about! Instead of throwing clumps of details at us in one go, chop the meat up into bite-sized pieces and feed it to us little by little in each chapter. It would work better, and it would keep your readers hooked to your story longer.

"Ellie, what's the matter?," Cahri called."You seem really down."

Who is Cahri?

"It's nothing,"I whispered,"I don't feel good. That's all." I grab my things as the fourth period bells start to chime, and I walk to Miss Chanter's room. God, how I hated this class. I then, turned, grabbed my bags out of my locker and headed to my parked car. I opened the trunk, shoved my things in, and hopped in. I slowly made my way out of the school parking lot, and drove away. I went to my little hiding place down at the beach. Myrtle Beach, that is. I got my sunglasses out of my purse and walked out onto the beach. But, as I sat down on the warm sand, I heard someone call my name.

Tense. Use only one consistent tense. If present, then it's all present. If past, then it's all past. Switching from one tense to another ruins the cadence of the piece and it can distraught the readers. Also, you can omit some of the actions done here. You're being too detailed about what the main character is doing, which makes it seem a bit... robotic, you know. At least, to me. It clunks on like a piece of wood rolling down the stairs. I hope I'm making myself clear... if not, blame it on the caffeine.

"Ellie, I found you, thank God. Where have you been?" Mares, my twin brother, asked. "I've been looking everywhere for you!"
"Well, you found me. I'd been here approximately 9 seconds before you found me, Mar." I said, sighing and stretching out on the beach.

Aha. Punctuation. I deleted the comma after the question mark, but in the original piece you can still see that. Watch out for those things. Even though it's just a tiny bit of text, it can still ruin the overall impact of your work.

Also, you've been throwing in character after character without really giving us an idea about who they are. I mentioned this before. Even though you said that he was her twin brother, what is he in the story? What does he look like? Even the main character is not so clearly introduced. Even if you say that she's fleeing from something, there's no character development at all. No skeleton, no skin, no flesh... nothing. Not even personality. There is a vague idea, but it's not much to make your character unique, or to make a reader care. For now, they're just cardboard cutouts placed inside a still plotless story. That's how it seems to me. Also, using numbers as numbers is another no-no. Use words for the numbers instead.

Over all, and again, I'm sorry to say, that this piece doesn't look like it's been well thought over. The plot has no clear direction yet, and I hope you're willing to improve on that. Don't rush yourself into writing. Relax, take a deep breath, think about it... and see where the lightning of genius will strike you next. You're just beginning to write, after all. And beginnings are always the hardest.

Funny how I can say so much about such a short piece, isn't it?

Well, then. I hope you're now well provisioned with everything you need to work on. Have a nice one!

~

Young Writers Society

Darkness of The Heart

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