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The Master Mind: Chapter 1

by UnicornNerd


Chapter 1

Cassandra walked down the empty hallway, the musty smell of high school students barely lingered. Her foot steps echoed hollowly, emphasizing the barren space. She held her books to her chest. Even though it had been 12 days, Cassandra still wasn't used to it. Gone. Everyone. Just her. Not another soul left accept for her. Poof! Just like that. Poof. What a funny word. Poof! She had no idea how it happened. But it did.

Every day Cassandra went to the school library. Oh sure, the first couple of days she did what any normal kid would do. She'd waken up at ten, (Which she still did. No use in waking up early when she had the whole day.) dragged herself out of bed, and made a waffle or two. Then she had watched a couple movies, got bored, and played her little brother's video games. On the second day she went to Hollister, and Abercombie and took all the clothes she wanted. Then she thought about it, smacked herself in the head, and drove off to the "Rich Mans Plaza." It was basically Prada, Tiffany, ect. She was on her way home when she felt bad that she had shop lifted and returned ALL of it. After that, she had gotten pretty bored. So she came to school. The library became her second home. It was the one place she didn't feel lonely. She forced herself to work for a few hours, then she would settle down with a good book.

This was the whole reason she would come. The wonderful works of art would whisk her away to a magical far off place or small suburb. The vivid descriptions leaping from the page right in front of of her eyes. But the best part, by far, were the people. The lonely girls, the sporty guys. The practical accountants and the gruff sailors. The crafty spies, the rioting cities. It was like she wasn't alone anymore.

Cassandra made it down to the library doors. They stood tall and firm, yet old and cracked. Cassandra pushed the heavy doors open and breathed in the rich smell of dusty old books and crisp new books sharing the secrets they hold inside with each other. Each one had their own space on the shelf. Cassandra always made sure everything was in it's place, just in case she wanted to find something in that book again. She smiled and looked around wondering which book she would devour today. She thought about reading them all. Then reading them again. It's not like she didn't have time. Then something caught her eye. She turned to it and her blood ran cold.

There was a book on the table.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a note: I KNOW this chapter is short. I did that on purpose. Please give me feedback! I want to know what to fix :D Especially Tenses! I mix them up sometimes when I'm writing, so feel free to point them out!


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Sun Sep 26, 2021 5:46 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Soo..as far as first chapters go, I think this one was done quite well, it was certainly a pretty enjoyable read here...and you bring across a very interesting premise here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Cassandra walked down the empty hallway, the musty smell of high school students barely lingered. Her foot steps echoed hollowly, emphasizing the barren space. She held her books to her chest. Even though it had been 12 days, Cassandra still wasn't used to it. Gone. Everyone. Just her. Not another soul left accept for her. Poof! Just like that. Poof. What a funny word. Poof! She had no idea how it happened. But it did.


Well...that's an interesting start...it looks like Cassandra here is walking through an empty high school and for some reason it sounds like they all vanished in one magical POOF of some sort, which well, definitely sounds quite mysterious here...and her thoughts there almost borderline sounds like she's gone slightly mad at the situation there.

Every day Cassandra went to the school library. Oh sure, the first couple of days she did what any normal kid would do. She'd waken up at ten, (Which she still did. No use in waking up early when she had the whole day.) dragged herself out of bed, and made a waffle or two. Then she had watched a couple movies, got bored, and played her little brother's video games. On the second day she went to Hollister, and Abercombie and took all the clothes she wanted. Then she thought about it, smacked herself in the head, and drove off to the "Rich Mans Plaza." It was basically Prada, Tiffany, ect. She was on her way home when she felt bad that she had shop lifted and returned ALL of it. After that, she had gotten pretty bored. So she came to school. The library became her second home. It was the one place she didn't feel lonely. She forced herself to work for a few hours, then she would settle down with a good book.


Well...that does sounds like someone that ended up stranded all alone in a world, with literally no one, and twelves days is a reasonable amount of time for someone to still have ample resources that won't have gone bad. I like how you show that she just went a bit crazy in the first couple of days, felt bad about the whole thing and then just ended up finding a comforting space for her work at there.

This was the whole reason she would come. The wonderful works of art would whisk her away to a magical far off place or small suburb. The vivid descriptions leaping from the page right in front of of her eyes. But the best part, by far, were the people. The lonely girls, the sporty guys. The practical accountants and the gruff sailors. The crafty spies, the rioting cities. It was like she wasn't alone anymore.


Having a good book can certainly do something to take away the loneliness...this is all quite neat to see here...but the one thing I'm currently a bit concerned about is the lack of any sort of sadness here, it seems like she's kind of just chilling here..and not necessarily feeling any emotions about the people that went missing. Surely, she had someone to miss, parents, friends...relatives, teachers...something...

Cassandra made it down to the library doors. They stood tall and firm, yet old and cracked. Cassandra pushed the heavy doors open and breathed in the rich smell of dusty old books and crisp new books sharing the secrets they hold inside with each other. Each one had their own space on the shelf. Cassandra always made sure everything was in it's place, just in case she wanted to find something in that book again. She smiled and looked around wondering which book she would devour today. She thought about reading them all. Then reading them again. It's not like she didn't have time. Then something caught her eye. She turned to it and her blood ran cold.


There was a book on the table.


Oooh, well I love this ending here..its a nice little setup to slowly describe the library and what is essentially her daily routine in this world before you then quickly call attention to the one weird thing that's manages to shock here quite a bit there. It definitely makes for a lovely little cliffhanger to end on here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, this is a pretty solid looking start here...I think this is good enough to at least make me want to turn those pages and see what happens next...the one major issue I'd bring up is the lack of any emotion regarding the missing people.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Jun 14, 2011 5:00 pm
Silverdragon150 wrote a review...



I like this. It pulls at my imagination, and it makes me want to read more. You described the situation well and even put some of your own voice (or your character's). I like how you described the library, how you showed us the library and told about the books. You have definitely intrigued me with this short chapter, and I want to see why the book is out of place, or I'm assuming it is, since the sentence sounds so dramatic. Please, keep writing!




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Tue Apr 26, 2011 5:54 pm
freewritersavvy says...



I concur with what others have already said and would like to add...I am curious to see what happens next! :)

~FW~




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Tue Apr 26, 2011 3:32 pm
kjr5horses wrote a review...



This was a nice piece, I quite enjoyed it. However as others have stated your some of your sentences are short, choppy, and hard to read. You show a lot more than you tell, which you need to do more of! Don't tell us everything, you need more emotion, maybe even have some of her thoughts in there somewhere instead of telling us what she did everyday. Also this is more like a prologue than a chapter its just too short, chapters need to be at least 3-18 pages long or more!

Overall, it was a good piece and I want to see where it goes but it needs some more work.

Keep Writing!

KJR




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Wed Mar 23, 2011 11:07 am
UnicornNerd says...



Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate them. The first chapter in my book is alittle boring, I know but it'll make more sense later. As for the sentences and formats, I didn't know you could double space. And I used to write run ons alot when I was little so I was trying to shorten them. I'll totally look over them and try to make them longer




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Wed Mar 23, 2011 9:14 am
Jenthura wrote a review...



Hi, UnicornNerd! Let me see what I can do about your story...
Hmm, this isn't really a chapter if you purposefully made it short. You could consider making it a prologue.
Also, most of your sentences are short and choppy. Having them like that can really make it hard to read. You should consider merging or even cutting a few.
I saw no spelling or grammar errors in the first glance-over, but you can search it again if you like: I often miss mistakes like that. :P
Overall, you're doing well; your description is all right, your suspense built up nicely and the final thought is chilling. I'm not sure why she should be so scared of a book, but you'll answer that in your next chapter, I suppose.
Also, you've got all your paragraphgs in heavy blocks of text. Next time you submit a story, be sure to put it in 'story' format. that way, it will be double-spaced and easier to read.





You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan