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Single Bullet Chapter 1

by AlixMalone


Chapter One

We all knew that Marco was going to be put to death. Most of us knew anyway. With the only exception being Marco himself, everybody else was curious to see what sort of demise he would meet.

Astrix saw Marco being guillotined: seeing him forced under the sharp blade, and then watching as Marco's head was sliced clean off of his body.

Cleo predicted that he would be drowned. She could imagine him being held underwater; struggling for air, but no one would let him out until he was dead.

Shawn believed that Marco would watch each of us die some horrible death before facing his own. Apparently, watching the deaths of people close to you makes your own more painful. This is very true, especially if you know that it's entirely your fault.

My own idea wasn't nearly as dramatic as the rest. All they would use would be a single bullet. I mean, that's all they need to kill somebody. If they wanted him dead, the quicker the better.

"Will the accused come forward?"

Marco stepped forward, silently trembling in fear.

The judge took one silent look at Marco's messy hair and filthy clothes before making his decision.

"Marco Lebowitz, proven murder of Prince Evan shall be put to death by manner of shooting. The viewing shall take place at sunset today."

The judge left the courtroom, leaving Marco looking shaken.

The guards were willing enough to let us see Marco five minutes before his death. As they shooed us away, I realized something: these people solved a murder by committing another murder. Isn't that being hypocritical of themselves?

Bang.


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Sun Sep 26, 2021 6:41 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

We all knew that Marco was going to be put to death. Most of us knew anyway. With the only exception being Marco himself, everybody else was curious to see what sort of demise he would meet.

Astrix saw Marco being guillotined: seeing him forced under the sharp blade, and then watching as Marco's head was sliced clean off of his body.

Cleo predicted that he would be drowned. She could imagine him being held underwater; struggling for air, but no one would let him out until he was dead.

Shawn believed that Marco would watch each of us die some horrible death before facing his own. Apparently, watching the deaths of people close to you makes your own more painful. This is very true, especially if you know that it's entirely your fault.


Well isn't this a very cheerful note to get a story started on...ahh nothing like some nice speculation about the possibility of someone's death, especially one of the speculations involve the deaths of the people doing the speculating. If nothing else, consider me very much hooked here with this particular start, we can't really judge much of anything without context, but all the talk of death does make for an exciting start.

My own idea wasn't nearly as dramatic as the rest. All they would use would be a single bullet. I mean, that's all they need to kill somebody. If they wanted him dead, the quicker the better.

"Will the accused come forward?"

Marco stepped forward, silently trembling in fear.

The judge took one silent look at Marco's messy hair and filthy clothes before making his decision.


Well...it looks like the theory that everyone put forward earlier is going to be true for certain, and while we can't yet see the actual method of execution being mentioned here, from that look you can say his death is certain. The context is yet to be established but I get the feeling that maybe Marco here is not meant to be a good person...maybe.

"Marco Lebowitz, proven murder of Prince Evan shall be put to death by manner of shooting. The viewing shall take place at sunset today."

The judge left the courtroom, leaving Marco looking shaken.

The guards were willing enough to let us see Marco five minutes before his death. As they shooed us away, I realized something: these people solved a murder by committing another murder. Isn't that being hypocritical of themselves?

Bang.


Well, that's a powerful start there, the first chapter ending with a literal execution happening...and well, it appears that this man did do something that's worthy of the punishment that was handed out although it is a bit tough to say if maybe the Prince that got murdered was meant to be good or bad and in that case where Marco's actions in good intention or not. All of this certainly does make you think and that line about being hypocritical is especially entertaining there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue May 03, 2011 4:25 am
psudiname wrote a review...



I found this to be very intriguing, and definately want to read more. You have a great hook, using very few words, and that by itself is impressive. Imagry is by far your strong point, and the imagry at the beginning was especially vivid. Please keep this up, as I see a lot of novels that have something good in the first chapter, but lose it in subsequent chapters. The imagery you use is very helpful to the reader, and I found myself interested throughout the whole chapter which is rare. It was fairly short, so I have no negetive comments, but don't expect reviews of other chapters (because you can be sure I will check them out) to be quite so tame. As novels progress, they become harder to pull off, but I'm confident from what I just read that it will at least be interesting, whether or not it is quite as good as this chapter was.

by the way, was the last word of the chapter an intentional play on words? Bang as in the sound a gun makes, and also Bang as an expression? In any case, the sentence before it was a great choice, because that question has been asked many times by people debating the death penalty, and you did well to make it seem like an afterthought, but still seem relevant. Good luck on the other chapters,
your friend,
---Psudiname




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Tue May 03, 2011 4:11 am
LookUpThere wrote a review...



Excellent job. Short and sweet and powerful. I have a few suggestions for you:

First of all the title needs a little bit of work. I get that it's a play on something in the book and I commend you that that something wasn't only figured out later in the book, it was brought out earlier. But the title is a little bit misleading. Single Bullet does sound like a murder story, which yours is. But not the type of murder story yours seems to be. It's more typical and opens with a police man saving some underdressed random nurse person from an exploding truck, see?

It's also kind of bland. You take a risk with using that for the title in that it's not very captivating. A good criteria on titles is: they should draw emotion, they should make us think (be intriguing) and at the same time be fairly clear as to the nature of the story.

Now, I was going to ramble on before I read this chapter but now that I can't. The title links in too well and it becomes clear so quickly. Instead I recommend you spice up your description. Before Marco did the unthinkable is way too vague because most fiction stories involve something unspeakable. And you talk about this Marco as if we know him well. Remember, you're the author, so sneaking in glaring plot holes onto the novel cover or title makes you giggle, but annoys/confuses the rest of us.

Your plotline is really good, and this chapter is really powerful. So rather use your plot description like the opening line of your novel. For example:

SIngle Bullet - Chapter 1
I put my bet they'd sentence Marco with a single bullet... bang

It's long, but you get the point. It's intriguing. It's compliments the title. And if you keep this opening paragraph short, then it's awesomesauce.

Secondly, I was wondering about this opening paragraph/chapter.

What do you want from it. Very few people understand what a prologue is... this is perhaps the best prologue I've read on this site... and probably in my history of very few books. And so? Do you want this to extend into a proper full length chapter?

If so then you need to include a little more scenery. I love how you used the judge and his little bit of dialogue to explain that it's a court-case, intentional or not. And I'm glad you didn't do what almost all other authors do and describe the obscure colours you only find in the minds of people that think in terms of RGB percentage. They go on and on about the scenery and I end up skipping the whole paragraph until the action. So as to place in setting, congrats. But as to time, you failed a little bit. I have no clue when this is which kind of drives me on to read. I'm not expecting you to put it into this chapter, just making you aware.

You would need to make it longer, obviously, and therefore have more dialogue and more things happening.

Personally, I'd love it if you kept this short. You could even chop it up a little bit. This could be the piece on the back of your book. And honestly, when you get to chapter eight, you could always leave a link at the top referring to this chapter just to readers an idea what it's about.

Sorry for the terrible block review, but the story was good. If this was a carrot, bright orange, I'd only recommend you chop it up... it's almost perfect.

Write On,
TheNewHero




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Thu Mar 24, 2011 9:15 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx wrote a review...



We all knew that Marco was going to be put to death. Most of us knew anyway. With the only exception being Marco himself, everybody else was curious to see what sort of demise he would meet.

Astrix saw imagined #0080BF ">(I thought you meant she literally watched him being decapitated) Marco being guillotined: seeing him forced under the sharp blade, and then watching as Marco's head was sliced clean off of his body.

Cleo predicted that he would be drowned. She could imagine him being held underwater; struggling for air, but no one would let him out until he was dead.

Shawn believed that Marco would watch each of us die some horrible death before facing his own. Apparently, watching the deaths of people close to you makes your own more painful. This is very true, especially if you know that it's entirely your fault.

My own idea wasn't nearly as dramatic as the rest. All they would use would be a single bullet. I mean, that's all they need to kill somebody. If they wanted him dead, the quicker the better.



"Will the accused come forward?"

Marco stepped forward, silently trembling in fear.

The judge took one silent look at Marco's messy hair and filthy clothes before making his decision.

"Marco Lebowitz, proven murder#FF0000 ">er of Prince Evan shall be put to death by manner of shooting. The viewing shall take place at sunset today."

The judge left the courtroom, leaving Marco looking shaken.



The guards were willing enough to let us see Marco five minutes before his death. As they shooed us away, I realized something: these people solved a murder by committing another murder. Isn't that being hypocritical of themselves?

Bang.


I really liked this. Especially what you said in the beginning about how it really only takes a bullet to kill a man. It’s the kind of statement that makes you think.
Since this was so short, I don’t have much else to add except that a little more detail wouldn’t hurt. You said Marco had filthy clothes, but maybe you could expand on that. Instead of saying his hair was messy, tell us how it looked like it could’ve have been ridden with lice. Say how you could smell him from a mile away, doubting he had bathed in weeks. Small details like this will cause us to pity the poor man even more, which is what you intended, I think.
I’m really excited to read more of this!
~blacksheep




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Mon Mar 21, 2011 12:43 am
Rascalover wrote a review...



Hello and Welcome :)

I see you haven't reviewed anything quite yet, and I just whated to encourage you to do so. I'm happy to be one of the first to review your work. Now on to the review, first I will be a bit nit-picky about grammar and detail then I will give an overall view of what i like about your piece(chapter):

We all knew that Marco was going to be put to death. Most of us knew anyway. With the only exception being Marco himself, everybody else was curious to see what sort of demise he would meet.

This beginning is quite redundant, and boring. It doesn't hook the reader. Maybe try telling us first off that he didn't think he was going to die but everyone else did. Making it only one sentence instead of three.

Astrix saw Marco being guillotined: seeing him forced under the sharp blade, and then watching as Marco's head was sliced clean off of his body.

I would love to see lots of description here. What did his neck look like after? What sound did it make when his head hit the floor? Don't just tell us that his head was chopped off give us some description as to what happened, and if Astrix saw him being guillotined then how come there are still rumors and predictions about how he will die?

Cleo predicted that he would be drowned. She could imagine him being held underwater; struggling for air, but no one would let him out until he was dead.

Once more, show some description. Does his eyes bulgde out of his head? Does he turn blue? Do his eyes roll in the back of his head? As a reader we do have an imagination so you shouldn't tell us everything, but we need at least a little hint as to what it looks like to help us put it together in our heads. So far you have only told us what is happening, so I want to show you the difference between showing and telling (description):
Showing (What you need to do): The stomach acid swirled in her stomach, slowly traveling up her esphogus. When a force of it's own it pushed it's way through her mouth and down the toilet.
Telling (What you are doing): She vomited.
Which one is more fun to read? Which one interest you the most?

Apparently, watching the deaths of people close to you makes your own more painful. This is very true, especially if you know that it's entirely your fault.

I may be wrong, but it feels like you switch point of views to second person from third person. Be very careful to not do this.

I mean, that's all they need to kill somebody. If they wanted him dead, the quicker the better.

In this sentence you switch from past tense to present tense, also be very watch of this.

It can confuse your readers greatly if you are jumping point of views and tenses. Re-reading your own work is a great way to determine if you have done this, espcially out loud. This was pretty interesting, and I would love to read more, but there are two things I don't like about the ending. One, was the main character right, or did she just fantasize about what happened to him? Two, I don't think the bang should be placed at the very end i think it should be placed right after:

If they wanted him dead, the quicker the better


But that's just my personally opinion. PM me or write on my wall when the next chapter is up.

Have a good day,
Tiffany





When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides