Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Overall, we've got ourselves a pretty cool piece here. You capture the feelings of this little girl quite well I think, and you really bring to life the thoughts and emotions she has as this happens, and you end up really feeling for her.
Anyway let's get right to it,
The sun bled through the cracks of the boards that covered the windows and striped the clothing of the child that sat hunched in the middle of the room. A small motionless creature lay on the wooden floor boards, covered in dust and grime, beside the child who drew in the dust that covered the floor.
The girl's blonde hair hung limply infront of her face as she rested her head on knees, hugging them with one arm to her chest. Her eyes gleamed with the wetness of tears that threatened to fall but she refused to cry when they were so close.
A squeal of wood underfoot had her frozen in place. She counted backwards from ten but there was no sound other than the small breaths she took of the putrid air. Her small hand reached out and snatched the lump on the ground and hugged it to her chest as she scrambled back - away from the door.
The handle was worked, turning first left then right before completing it's turn. With a heavy shove the intruder pushed the door open, giving a grunt at the effort.
Okayy...well this is quite the description here. From that alone, you're managing to get the eyes of us the audience on this pretty strongly here. This is certainly a rather powerful situation you have here with the whole baby and girl descriptors that suggest that something is clearly very wrong here.
The figure squatted down, and she watched warily as it reached into a cloak and drew out a silver flask. She licked her lips and watched, hugging the thing to her chest tighter as fear began to wash over her.
"There's no need to fear, child." the coaxing voice of a man murmured to her but she knew better than to trust a man.
She knew that men were trouble, that's what her mother had told her. That men only wanted sex or money - if they didn't get it willingly then they took it by force. The little girl's eyes glared at his hand, a brave feat on her part considering she was paralized with terror that the man would take her - force her to give him something she didn't have.
"Hmph." the man grunted as he rose to his feet, but he tossed the flask to her and it clanged loudly against the wooden planks. She jumped, staring at the flask as though it were a live snake looking to bite her.
"We're not here to hurt you, Annabelle." the man told her calmly, as he reached out and grabbed the door's handle.
She turned from the flask and looked up at the man, "Where's my mother?" she asked him as she held the bear out in one hand. "She said not to trust strangers!" she told him, her eyes wide.
Hmm...well this is clearly not going anywhere good, that much is evident. We can see that this girl is stuck in a situation she is finding very distressing and that she has been separated from her mother somehow as well. Every subtle detail here seems to scream out that something is horrible wrong and this man is responsible for it all, and I am loving the way this opening captures us in that manner.
The man looked down, "Did she give you that bear?" he asked her, as he looked at the once-white grime covered thing.
Annabelle nodded furiously, "She told me - keep him safe and he'll keep you safe too." she said as she looked down at the bear and smiled at it, giving it a tight hug.
His mouth turned down in a frown. "They told me you wouldn't remember anything..." he grumbled to himself before reaching down and easily plucking the stuffed bear from her embrace.
"No!" she wailed, her eyes burning with tears. She reached up and worked her hands in the air trying to get the bear back from the greedy man's hands. Her lip quivered as she tried desperately not to cry infront of the man who wanted to take the only memory of her mother from her.
"I'm just taking it for a little while, Annabelle. Just to get a wash and clean it's fur." he told her, but Annabelle knew he was lying. She knew that he was taking away her teddy bear to throw it away.
Her mother was right, men were mean creatures that stole everything - even her memories. She stared at the man even as tears rolled down her face, "I hope you're happy everytime you hurt someone." she told him, "Because I know I wouldn't be."
Well this is most definitely headed for a rather dark place here judging by the direction that we are headed in and its just ahhh...as a reader you do end up feeling for this poor girl quite a bit here. Now that we've learnt she's lost he memories to a large extent as well, it's about as clear as can be that something truly horrible is about to happen.
The man stared at her for a long time and she willed him away, hugging her knees as she cried against her knees. She heard the door squeal it's protest as the man closed it slowly and she hoped he was happy because the only thing that had prevented her from losing hope had been her teddy bear.
She looked over at the flask that rested by her legs and she kicked it away - she wouldn't take the gift of a man who had destroyed her means of hope. She wouldn't accept the niceness of someone whom had taken her mother from her.
Hmm, well this ends on quite a note here. We've just had that once concept nailed home throughout the course of this piece here, and I think it works out really well in the end there to make it quite clear where this is headed and end on a nice sort of cliffhanger as well.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think you've done a really neat job of bringing all this together in this piece here. You've built up this character and the situation surrounding here very well and its all more than interesting enough to make you want to read on and find out more.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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